What makes you “normal”?

One of my best friends asked me “What is normal?” the other day when I said that I wasn’t “normal”.  I told him that being normal was weird, because what is normal? WHAT IS NORMAL?

I’m not normal, I don’t think I ever have been.  For a brief moment in my life I wanted to be… seriously, it’s hilarious.  I wanted to be a cheerleader and “popular” and date the cutest guy in school.  But I was far from it.  I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast, I couldn’t dress, I was super awkward, but I was me.

I was the girl who begged my mom to go to a school dance and when I finally got to go to one, everyone had someone to dance with except me…  no one would touch me with a ten foot pole.  Totally scarring as a pre-teen, totally glad I didn’t dance with any of those gross guys now.

But, look at me now.  My past made me strong.  And my own mind kept my strength up.

My mother asked me today why I look so unhappy all the time lately… I was playing some game on my phone… I told her, I had a “sadness”.  She asked me, “What right do YOU have to have a sadness inside you?”  I didn’t answer her.  I don’t need to.  I don’t need to answer to anyone why I have this sadness in me… It’s been in me since I can remember.  I have a sadness but also a light; Which is why I still live on, strong, with hope and optimism.

There’s a sadness that has always been there, but I blame no one for it but myself for letting it linger.  I want no pity, no worry, no “special care” for it.  I know what’s wrong with me, that’s why I’m okay with who I am and why I can handle myself and take care of myself.

I am a stronger woman because of this.  And just because I have sadness that overcomes and consumes within me doesn’t mean I don’t have happiness that keeps me continuing on in life.

ps. I look cute today.

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Yay to 5 Seconds of Summer tank top, Harry Styles necklace and Liam Payne makeup.  I just tried the eyeshadows and lipgloss but it was fun.  Someone needs to teach me how to do makeup because I’m lazy AF about it and I know nothing about contouring.  Amanda,  you makeup guru, help me!

Discovering myself…

It’s hard to always stand up for yourself, let alone even know who you are as a person.  I’ve been going through a darkness, and at times I feel like I’m spiraling down that I can’t get out of it.  Deeper and deeper into the madness.  And not in the awesome Alice in Wonderland way, which I could kill to be in right now.  Things would make a lot more sense there.

But, I suppose, that’s what reality is.  Things don’t make sense.  Or maybe it does, or will, at the very end.  But when is this end.  I feel like I’m floating along, day by day, just living life like an empty shell.  I never imagined that I would ever know what that would feel like… but even at a young age I remember feeling empty and wanting to die.  I remember that day, that diary entry – in my Little Mermaid book – I was 8 and I had already lost hope.

I don’t blame those who have helped me become who I am today, but I blame myself for not being strong enough to endure it enough… or maybe too strong to not succumb to it and end the misery.

But lately I’m just numb. So much so, I’m physically numb, not just emotionally.  My mystery bruises manifest all over my body, I ache and my hands, feet and legs go numb.  Numb.  Is there even another good word for it?  It’s been awhile since my SATs.  *Chuckle* Doubt UrbanDictionary would help, but it would make me laugh.

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And I stand corrected.  I almost spit out my tea “I ran into a truck and din’t feel a thing!”  THEY DIDN’T EVEN USE “NUMB” IN THAT EXAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways.  I am feeling better, and sorry I’ve been using this blog to be ranting lately.  A lot of changes have been going on and in the works.  Been trying to better myself and make myself smile from the inside out more.  Thanks to those who read this, thanks to those who care, thanks to those who love me, those who understand me for being who I am and thanks to those who are unconditionally there for me.

I know I will rise like the Phoenix.

I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

My tattoos.. and their meanings…

I recently just got my newest tattoo… “Bolsillo lleno de sueños” – which means “Pocketful of Dreams” – Once again I was attacked by my mother.. so I thought I would make a post about my tattoos and their meanings…. First and foremost my newest ones.  As you can see, I will not lie, yes I have cut.  As I grow older, something that used to be a shame to me is turning into something I want to bring awareness to.  Hurting yourself, cutting, self-harm, etc… is NOT the right way to do it.  I wanted my new tattoo to cover my scars and to remind me to always look to the future, and look to the stars… so I added it to my stars I got last year in Taiwan… and added a few more to “complete” the whole look.

These were the original stars that i had gotten in Taiwan…… always look to the stars…. always keep believing and dreaming and reaching for them…. that’s why I got them

These two hearts were my first.  And I got them with one of my besties/sis Serina when she lived with me for a week in America.  They represent us :]

And yes, this was my second tattoo… a Hello Kitty bow. DUH. Explanation needed?!?!

The next was the start of my Alice in Wonderland obsession…. which I hope to be the biggest piece on me…. I have slowly added onto this thru-out the past two years.  But this was the first, And it is absolutely GORGEOUS!!!

This “Infinity Sign with Love” in it is dedicated to my mother.  When I was a little kid my mom would ask “How much do you love me?” And I’d stretch out my arms and say “INFINITY”

Later after a few drinks I went back and got this, my Leo sign.  I am the definition of a LEO woman and I am proud of my strong sign.

My “Curiosity often leads to trouble” with dragonflies that I got with my bestie, Kate, on her Bday (we represent the dragonflies, she got a different tatt on her foot with color but also with two dragonflies)

Follow the white rabbit… This is the bunny/rabbit from Alice in Wonderland (duh) but with a heart balloon… cuz… I just love it.

This is my ” <3 ” which shows my nerdy way of loving someone.  This is my first tattoo I got at Ximending in like ghetto tattoo area in Taipei. LOL.

This was another tattoo I’ve wanted to get for awhile.   Life is love and love it life.  I want to be always filled with love and no hat.  I’ll robably get more love-related tattoos in the future.

This is my “Believe” my second finger tattoo… and NO nothing to do with Justin Bieber or Bielibers…. I got it for me to always remember to BELIEVE in myself.  There is always ho[e!

This one is a huge deal from me, a lot of you may know by now I have suffered from an Eating Disorder for more than half my life.  This is the recovery symbol.

Ah. After a margarita (those HUGE ones) for breakfast (in Vegas obviously) there was a tattoo parlor right across from the Mexican place we were at so I finally got a tattoo I’ve wanted.  Champagne glass (my fav booze) with heart (see more love references) bubbles!!!! – I designed it!

Me: You think they’ll do walk-ins?
Kelly: Dude it’s Vegas, they bank on bad decisions.

And yes there are funny videos of me lying on my stomach in a skirt getting tattooed.

Who needs to rule the day when you can be me and rule the night?

“Carpe Noctum”

One of my bestie’s, Johnny aka Woo Bear, got “carpe diem” after I got this :] <3

I also have an obsession with skulls… but of course it’d have to have a BOW on it :] If you look at my jewelry and clothes I have tons of skulls stuff!

This is when I FINALLY added onto my Alice in Wonderland side tattoo.  Which I want to turn into a large side piece eventually ALL related to AIW.  I’m thinking mushrooms, Cheshire Cat, vines/flowers, a teacup and obviously an “Eat Me” cupcake or cookie… WHICH I might turn my skull into. (The skull will be the top of the cupcake and I’ll have maybe an Eat Me ribbon around it.)

Yes. I am Tiffie Dee aka Queen Dee.

Austin Mahone’s autograph! Yeah… DUH. FAN FOR LIFE!

And a 5SOS (5 Seconds of Summer) tattoo. I love you guys!!!!

And then my gorgeous stopwatch!…. How beautiful and intricate s it?  And now I just need to add the chain that will connect the pocket watch to the key!

And how can I forgot my dedication for the love of food. “j’ai faim” which means I’m hungry in French. WHICH I want to add onto cuz the space about the M looks like I can add some foody pic in it. Chopsticks? butcher knife?  Still unsure….. haha bowl of rice.

And course my newest one. That you first saw…. “Pocketful of Dreams” in Spanish.  So now I have English, Latin, French AND Spanish on me.

I also need to add to my Alice in Wonderland side piece ASAP.  Eventually I want a back to shoulder tattoo.   I want something to represent my parents (possible both of their chinese last names intertwined into a design).  I need a 1D and BSB one. A cat one.  And my Valfré mermaid which I’m getting next. Also want a little Fafi on me :] Two of some of my favorite artists!!!

So far 22 Tatts and 18 Piercings… this needs to change NOW!

I want to get back into poetry and lyric writing….

I used to do a lot of poetry and lyric writing. Anyone looking for lyric writers for their music?  I started humming a tune to this song… just need someone able to compose music better than me to help me out.

I want you here beside me.
I never felt this way before…
I can’t get you off of my mind.
And it makes me go insane.

I don’t know what I’m doing.
And why I feel this way.
I never act this way… ever… never… ever…
Just wish you felt the same.

Give me you.
And take all of me in…
I’ll be forever yours, in each and every way.

Born to Blossom, Bloom to Perish

I almost got this tattooed on me…. it’s such a beautiful quote… but the more I think about it, the more I want to change it….

Born to Blossom, Bloom to FLOURISH!

You’re born into this world a little bud and you blossom into the flower, so why wilt away when you can make the world your own and dominate.  Instead of thinking that all will perish, I want to flourish and live every second in full bloom, gleaming and being the most of what I am.  The past few years I’ve gone through a lot… heartache, heartbreak, highs and lows but I’ve only kept going stronger and becoming closer to who I am and learning to just love me for me.  Those around me do, so why shouldn’t I?  I’ve blocked off negativity and kept only the positive in my life.

I will continue moving forward… blossoming and flourishing….. this is ONLY the beginning, many many great amazing FABULOUS things to come.  I can feel it tingling in my toes.

True Happiness

“The saddest people I’ve ever met in life are the ones who don’t care deeply about anything at all. Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary, because there’s nothing to make it last.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

I feel like a lot of people don’t realize this.  It’s not even just how I “feel” but what I observe.  Happiness IS so temporary. Money, material possessions, superficiality…. what happens when all of that goes away? Knowing what you love, what you want – that’s a big deal. Love, family, friends – that’s what’s important.  Dreams and goals… going for them, THAT is true sunshine in life.  So many people wander aimlessly through their lives thinking they’re living the dream, but in truth it’s just a temporary thing.  A facade.  As I grow older, I realize that I don’t need all that extra BS in my life.  Doing what I love, being with who I love and loving myself is the most important thing – never forget that and you will be the happiest person, truly.

Changes changes changes…..

I mustache you a question….

So how did it go? One of my first truly NON-food posts since my own personal blog.  As much as food is a HUGE part of my life, I want to integrate food, travel and ME into this website.  It’s most certainly time to change and grow.  There’s more to me than just eating, drinking and having fun.  Don’t worry I’ll still have food posts… but I’ll have a little bit more of other parts of me too.  I’ve also been doing more vlogs on youtube and have been posting on socialcam a lot. SO. Especially since Formspring is done and gone… feel free to email me tiffie[at]gmail.com or via  youtube…. or even just comment on here or socialcam or youtube questions… things you want to know about me, food things, fashion things, anything and everything and I’ll try to answer them back… on cam or by post. :]  And of course you know you can always find me on personal facebook, my facebook fanpage or twitter. So join the re-vamping and I hope you like it —- feel free to send ideas my way to make this more enjoyable for you.

Love, your favorite lovable lush,

Miss Tiffie

Not a Food Post: Thoughts on Relationships and Commitment

So this is not a food post. So before you decide to continue reading or not. Here are some recent yummies I’m ingested and digested, and yes pooped out.

Burger Pizza from Sonsie’s

Iberico Jamon from Toro

And most recently I made dinner for BF and I….

Real Black Truffle… this is worth likt 90$

Red Wine Braised Spicy Short Ribs with REAL Truffle whipped cauliflower and roasted brussel sprouts and mushrooms

And our bacon and bacon fat/habanero scrambled egg fest the next day

Oh, and my Easter Duck from Sel de la Terre

Anyways now it’s gonna get deep. So prepare to either enjoy or not enjoy. I said I wanted to grow this website into a little more than just food soooo……. here’s a go at it

So I was talking to one of my friends today…. and somehow it got into threesomes.  He was saying how I’m young and should experiment if I’m attracted, etc, so why not.  I said I doubted I could do it with anyone I had feelings for. He said that he had a girlfriend for a few years and threesomes made them bond anymore.  Which led me into asking him why he wasn’t with her anymore.  And while there were plenty of reasons he could give me, um, him being incredibly good looking and personable – just two off the top of my head… he said cuz he was only 98% in love with her.  Granted they were in their early-mid 20s at the time, which isn’t THAT young but I guess it can and can’t be for this day and age…. but she wanted marriage and babies and he told me he knew he was 100% and wouldn’t want all of that later on with her.  He loved her, she was great, but only 98%……

For some reason it hit a trigger in me and got me thinking.  I was just taking a long hot shower. [fine fine be dirty, imagine it] And I was thinking about my past relationships and what an old boyfriend had said to me.  My first boyfriend after college told me to “never settle” and it’s stuck with me. For 8 long years it’s stuck with me.  I remember it clearly, we were walking into my apartment in Harvard Sq. talking about being in relationships, exes and being happy and he said “Its important to just never settle.” And honestly I think a lot of people I know just settled.  Which is why my friend, today, reminded me again of this.  Settling isn’t good for both sides of the party aka relationship.

So then it got me thinking even more…. I thought I was going to marry my first boyfriend.  I had my first kiss when I was 16.  A month after I graduated high school. Yep.  I admit it.  And after that first heartbreak it was guy after guy that wanted to marry me and have babies with me and then I’d run away.  I was dubbed a commitmentphobe and a “guy” by my friends.  Can you believe that?  How many girls would immediately jump at the idea of getting married, eloping and having babies with a guy? Not me. Why?  NOT FULLY THERE.  So, see, back to my friend saying “98%” how much percentage have I been with each guy?

DOOD. I had a guy I wanted to break up with try to get me to stay with him by telling me the engagement ring he was about to propose to me with and saying that he wanted to give me a baby boy. UH. Total turn off. Telling me you wanna give me a baby when trying to seduce me is NOT my kind of foreplay.

And then it brings me on to another thought.  Last weekend I was having a girls day with one of my girlfriends and we were talking about marriage.  I think I’ve been thru maybe 6 or 7 boyfriends since I’ve known her. Awkward right? I’m such a serial relationshipper… I don’t really date. If you don’t interest me, we won’t make it thru a date. Continuing on.  Maybe a fling or two here and there, fun times are always good times, but I like being in love – feeling needed, taking care of someone…. thinking of someone and just smiling.  OH KAY. Enough of that.  She’s been married for almost 10 years.  She had her first kid in High School, got married, went to college and just recently had another boy two years ago.  She said it got hard in the marriage around the 7th year but the reason why they’re so strong is because they’re best friends. BEST FRIENDS.

That’s another topic I want to hit upon.  I want guys I date to become my BEST FRIEND.  I had one guy who refused to be friends with me unless we were in a relationship.  It turned out SHIT so I won’t get into that.  I partially blame the whole pre-friendship/no more respect thing.  OR maybe I’m just a bitch.  Either way.  Doesn’t work for me.

So back to the not settling thing… I realized that I’ve known a lot of guys who not settled… but also a handful of guys who ended relationships cuz while they were happy, they weren’t the right one.  I guess just made me think a lot.

[EDIT] I don’t date guys and be in relationships just to BE IN one… I don’t NEED to be in one.  I’m like one of those disney princess movies that always believe in a happy ending but just end up getting more jaded and fucked up.  I want a best friend. A great lover. A partner in crime. Someone I enjoy life with, not complete.  I can take care of myself, I’m a big girl.  I want a great guy to compliment me and me to compliment him. [/EDIT]

Btw, this friend of mine I’m talking about [first paragraph] told me that Santa may have come from some big Shrooms high amongst other things.

MIND BLOWN.

On that note.

Stay swaggie.

PS. This blog post has NOTHING to do with my current relationship – which is a happy one.  And a private one. J + I are awesome. That’s all.