I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

盂蘭節 aka Ghost Month aka 鬼節

This month is ghost month… and while it’s August, it’s lunar year, seventh month and called 盂蘭節…

Basically:

The Ghost Festival, also known as the Hungry Ghost Festival in modern day, Zhong Yuan Jie or Yu Lan Jie (traditional Chinese: 盂蘭節) is a traditional Buddhist and Taoist festival held in Asian countries. In theChinese calendar (a lunisolar calendar), the Ghost Festival is on the 15th night of the seventh month (14th in southern China).

In Chinese culture, the fifteenth day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar is calledGhost Day and the seventh month in general is regarded as the Ghost Month (鬼月), in which ghosts and spirits, including those of the deceased ancestors, come out from thelower realm. Distinct from both the Qingming Festival (in spring) and Double Ninth Festival(in autumn) in which living descendants pay homage to their deceased ancestors, during Ghost Festival, the deceased are believed to visit the living.

On the fifteenth day the realms of Heaven and Hell and the realm of the living are open and both Taoists and Buddhists would perform rituals to transmute and absolve the sufferings of the deceased. Intrinsic to the Ghost Month is veneration of the dead, where traditionally the filial piety of descendants extends to their ancestors even after their deaths. Activities during the month would include preparing ritualistic food offerings, burning incense, and burning joss paper, a papier-mâché form of material items such as clothes, gold and other fine goods for the visiting spirits of the ancestors. Elaborate meals (often vegetarian meals) would be served with empty seats for each of the deceased in the family treating the deceased as if they are still living. Ancestor worship is what distinguishes Qingming Festival from Ghost Festival because the latter includes paying respects to all deceased, including the same and younger generations, while the former only includes older generations. Other festivities may include, buying and releasing miniature paper boats and lanterns on water, which signifies giving directions to the lost ghosts and spirits of the ancestors and other deities.

Taiwanese traditions:

Traditionally, it is believed that ghosts haunt the island of Taiwan for the entire seventh lunar month, when the mid-summer Ghost Festival is held.[6] The month is known as Ghost Month.[7] The first day of the month is marked by opening the gate of a temple, symbolizing the gates of hell. On the twelfth day, lamps on the main altar are lit. On the thirteenth day, a procession of lanterns is held. On the fourteenth day, a parade is held for releasing water lanterns. Incense and food are offered to the spirits to avoid them visiting homes and spirit paper money is also burnt as an offering.[8] During the month, people avoid surgery, buying cars, swimming, and going out after dark. It is also important that addresses are not revealed to the ghosts

Wikipedia

Some of the Taboos:

  1. Do not stroll at night.
  2. Do not swim. It is said that drowned evil ghosts might try to drown people in order to find victims for them to rebirth.
  3. As the month is considered to be inauspicious, do not move to a new house, start new businesses or marry.
  4. Do not hang clothes outside at night.
  5. Do not pick up coins or money found on the street and if one does, never bring any home.
  6. Do not step on or kick the offerings by the roadside. If someone were to step on any offerings by accident, he or she should apologize aloud to ameliorate the situation
  7. Do not wear red because ghosts are attracted to red.
  8. Don’t sing and whistle as these may attract ghosts.
  9. Keep away from the walls as it is believed that ghosts like sticking to walls.
  10. If someone is born during the ghost month, avoid celebrating his or her birthday at night. It is better to celebrate during the daytime.
  11. Do not go out at 12 midnight as the ghost may approach you for food and other offerings for them.
  12. Do not open umbrellas in the house. It may attract spirits
  13. Do not take selfies or take videos. Ghost may appear in it. You may never know
  14. Do not sleep facing the mirror or something reflective. It guides the ghosts.

I have not really been caring about these things until my recent gifts that I have been blessed with.  My teacher has told me that people who have the blessing of talking to spirits and angels and all that communication have a hard time during this month.  The death and the ghosts and the evil can sense what I have and cling onto it.  The problem is, during this month, cleansing and healing are not allowed.  So I’m struggling.

I have been feeling drained, completely to the point of emptiness.  And I’m starving but when I eat I want to puke.  Everything has been feeling so negative to the point where I am just giving up and wanting to sleep 24/7.  My sleep is not even well.. it’s riddled with nightmares and I don’t move from my position for hours on end and have to willfully force myself to get up everyday with the little energy I have.  I feel disoriented, confused, out of focus and just…. empty.  That’s the best way to describe it.  Empty… and it’s worst at night.

This is affecting my work, my family life, and just me in general.  I can get a full night’s rest and still feel like I haven’t slept in days. It’s taking a toll on me and I’m wondering now if I have been blessed or cursed with my new found gift.  It’s scary… I was doing so well before and suddenly I just feel like a darkness has grabbed a hold of me and I can’t shake it away.  I keep telling it to leave me but I just feel so lost and spiraling down a deep dark whole.  Meditation.  Speaking to my angels.  Cards.  Nothing has helped.  I’m subduing my pain and lack thereof in any way that I can think of and it’s not helping.

I feel lost. I need Archangel Michael by my side to guide me through my fear and pain.

This is the first time ghost month has affected me.  Tonight I will leave an offering outside of my door…. and pray that they will leave me alone.  I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m desperate.

Dear Heart,

What are you trying to tell me?  You’re telling me that everything is gonna be okay.  What am I not getting at and seeing?  You’ve been stabbed, manipulated, torn apart, hurt, broken, in love, in pain, everything…. and yet you still keep secrets from me.  Teach me, please, teach me how to listen to what you have to say to me.  I’ve already learned so much from my past, but there is always more things to learn.

Sometimes everyone needs to take a step back and ask themselves what their heart is saying to them and figure out what they truly want.  The truth is there, the future is there.  It will never change, but one sees only what they want to see, but you need to learn how to see what is truly there.

“Love actually is all around” – Love Actually

That’s something we need to learn.  But love can hurt, and it can be happiness. That’s also something we need to learn.  To truly love is to have lost… to be loved and to love others, you need to first fully love yourself.

“Notice how the moon affects your energy and manifestations, and capitalize upon these cycles.”

Things are ever changing… and yet somethings are like Groundhogs Day over and over again. Déjà vu over and over. Today was a great day, Archangel Haniel, thank you for bringing me this.  I have noticed how things I do affect my life in certain ways and it keeps happening over and over again.  There are the negative things and then the positive and I am staying focused on the positive part.

So here I am…. realizing the things in my life that are going on…. and I will continue, conquer and live my life and be happy.

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Before I forget I just want to mention something I saw today…. I pray that this forest fire that was on Mass Pike didn’t do more harm than what I already saw.  The pics do no justice it covered a pretty big chunk by the highway – I’m guessing from the extreme heat (95+) and as we slowly passed it the flames just got bigger and bigger.  Strangely, I saw NO cops, NO fire engines, NADA!  What?  And I saw NO news about it tonight while checking on my phone.  So weird.  Hope the damage wasn’t too bad.

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And now for a little fun.  Because who wants to end a blog post with something scary and negative, right?

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I had a very mother/daughter bonding session today.  With not only my own mother and I, but Didi and I as well.  Pets make people happier, live longer, stay healthier…. you laugh more.  They’re just your own little babies – forever.  And I love my little furbaby.  It’s funny because I have been considering getting some more cats/puppies to give Didi some company.  That or do more work at the shelter I work at.

I was gonna go to a “YappyHour” – get it? GET IT? ^_____^ in town today but it was way too hot for an outdoor event and Didi would totally get sick from the heat.  I drove by the event and saw that it was practically empty. Hello!!!??? Excessive heat caused a forest fire today!  I hope they reschedule because it sounds like fun and great to meet new people.

And remember people…. adopt a rescue animal!  There are tons in need of homes because of many situations, a lot of them bad, so please, open up your heart – it’s a win-win situation!

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Didi and I on our walk in her new stroller… and me catching Pokémon! Hahahahahaha…. WE GOT TO CATCH THEM ALL!!!!!

XOXO

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Monday, July 11 2016: Clairaudience

Today Archangel Zadkiel has told me to “Notice the loving guidance you hear inside you mind, or from other people.”

I’m sorry to people I’ve hurt and bless everyone, those who hate me and love me. I blame myself for all the stress I have caused on anyone and myself.  I am who I am today because of all of you.  Lessons have been learned.  Tears and smiles.  Butterflies in the stomach and heartbreaks.  First kisses and forever goodbyes. Bless everyone.

This trip and these “accidental” classes have not only brought me peace at heart, but I’ve released all the hurt and sadness and despair from my past.  All the anger and hate.  I’ve also learned a new gift.  One to heal, one to answer questions and to help and teach others.  My teacher, aka master, has also told me that I am already, just a month in, ready to go out on my own and help others.  I can speak to the spirits and the angels and I have seen them, God, my past and have seen the future.  I am no longer who I was a month and a half ago. [I say “accidental” because I was only supposed to see my teacher once, but she said she saw my gift and offered me to be an apprentice, a student, now she is ready to teach me how to teach others.]

Btw, I got a new trim, and color to my hair today, yay.. thinking of going lighter ombré… what do you guys think?

Today I asked my angel cards for help and wisdom to guide me today and of course, Michael and Gabriel came up, per usual. They are the best “guardian angels” ever. [BTW. have you guys seen the show Angel from Hell with Sarah Lynch? Most hilarious new show ever! I love her humor! She was amazing on Glee.  I hate that they’re canceling it due to a religious thing, relax guys.  It’s a show.]

That goes on to my next thing.  People need to relax, let loose.  Not get tangled up in a web that just causes more chaos and negativity.  You must think positive.  It’s like my card told me today.  Listen to myself,  my heart, and to those I love and who surround me and send tons of positivity my way.

I am a very lucky girl.  I have a ton of very loving family and friends, and even fans… you guys, yes all of you reading, or not, you guys have supported me, loved me, believed in me for so long – and I plan to always live up to it.  I am so appreciative, actually for everyone who has passed in my life, either who have stayed or left, because I am who I am now because of this. Fate. Karma.

Stay positive.  Bless everyone around you whether they treat you well or not.  And remember to always listen to your heart.  Oh and eat your heart out.

Dinner tonight at Din Tai Fun was uhhh 5+ steamers of xiao long baos [including sweet ones], tons of veggies, pork chops, chicken soup, bamboo, wine chicken, spicy cucumbers, etc etc etc…. there was a ton of food, and I still have a ton next to me that I ordered for a late night snack ;] Enjoy life.  You only live.. once, well, once that you remember [unless under hypnosis] – And yes, I saw a few past lives under hypnosis.

Good night ya’ll ;] LOVE YOU!  I’ll be in the States for a bit soon….. and I’ll also be back in Taiwan for awhile again, soon.

XOXO

 

Beautiful Changes

It’s strange the people you encounter in life. Some short lived and some long term…. both, unexpected. People I thought would always be in my life are now strangers to me, and those I thought would just be merely an acquaintance are now people I could not live without.

I have friends who I thought would be forever and now they have abandoned me. And yet, I meet new people who are the closest people I have ever come to be with. The more I am learning about my spirituality and becoming more and more in touch with my new sense, I have learned so much, grown so much, and believe in so much more in life, love, hope, gain, and trust.

Things can change in a blink of an eye, but always appreciate what you have in the present…. and always look optimistically towards the future. The future is what keeps us going. And once you find a great person to keep in your life… don’t take it for granted. I may have “few” but I feel “richer” and “greater” for them being in my life than I ever have.

For all the crap I have been through in my years…. I take it as what brought me to where I am today. They were tests and lessons I had to do to get me to where I am. And I regret nothing. I have let it all go, I’ve forgiven all who have wronged me, and mostly, I have forgiven myself and all the hate and sorrow I have had built up in me.

I have had many ups and downs in my life. Super highs and super lows. Days where I wanted to die, and even tried and days where I was on top of the world. I’ve dealt with several illnesses, mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I’ve conquered, and I am still conquering them all. I am so positive at this point in life. Where I am. Where I’ll be. I just want to tell the world, that while I usually represent one part of me on the internet, there is the other side of me too. We all suffer, we all have our demons, and we can all kill them, recover, be better, be our own heroes.

Never give up hope. Know that you are always loved, and there is always a way out of a dark place. Do what you can to help others do keep yourself in a positive place. I volunteer, help my friends, do what I can do those who are having a harder time than me…. just like those who were there for me every time I was in a dark low place. Be positive. Keep that smile. Stay in the sunshine, even when it’s raining.

I posted this the other day on my facebook [did a few typo/grammar editing on here]

Spiritual Cleasning… and a Great Future…

I had a great long first session of a spiritual cleansing today. So much negativity has been let go in my life, and I’m learned that I HAVE to let go of a lot of my past; not forget, my past has just been lessons, learnings, teachings, but I need to let go and let the sun shine in.

I need to go back to my inner self… find my inner peace, stop being so closed off, stop letting the bad energy take over me and just open myself up.  I learned SO much about myself today in a mere 3 hours.  I have so much sadness and negative energy in me, happy on the outside but just very sad on the inside – so much so, I didn’t even realize until it was brought up and questioned.  My mind has blocked out all these “bad things”

And I have just changed so much emotionally, so fast.  All the negativity, literally, flew out of me.  In an icy cold filled AC room, I was sweating and feverish as if I was in a sauna….. it was almost some sort of out-of-body experience.  She knew things about me that not many or no one knew.  It was insane and yet amazing at the same time.

In order to move on, healthily, is to move forward while leaving the past behind.  The future looks amazingly bright for me and I can’t wait for it.

Bye bye past.  Hello future.

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