positivity

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To all the shade and negativity being thrown my way lately, I just gotta say: I’m gonna shake it off.  Cuz haters gonna hate, but I’m still fabulous just the way I am.

It’s coming…

Once again another birthday is coming on upon me.  I used to go crazy and throw extravagant parties where I would get super dressed up, buy expensive outfits, go to fancy dinners and have crazy club/lounge parties.  Yes, one of them was at a circus-themed club.

As the years have passed, my parties have calmed down and been more casual, to the point where I just stopped and decided to spend my day relaxing.  Vegas with the girls became Maine with my dog. [I guess it’s still going somewhere with one of my “bitches” right? Hahaha…ok I found it funny in my head]

Lately, I’ve lost a lot of faith in friendship with friends, but I’ve also found out how strong some of my true friendships are.

I’ve gone through a lot in the past year and a half, tons of transitions, but in all of that I have been finding myself.  I spent a whole day crying the other day because I was so mad… not at realizing my friend wasn’t really my friend, but that I do so much for people and I never ask for anything back – and I get nothing back.  I realized I had to rethink who to trust, who to love, who to still talk to and who to just give up on.

I try too hard.

Thank you to everyone who was there for me to help me through that situation.

One of my friends, who usually isn’t usually into this emotional hoodoo voodoo stuff said to me “Tiffie, dear, it shouldn’t matter why you’re upset, the fact that you ARE upset is ALL that should matter to a true friend”  And it hit me. it’s true.  I was upset, and hit with reasons why I shouldn’t be upset because I was a worse person.  The whole conversation had nothing to do with who was a bad friend but that’s what it became.

I had written a whole blog post about it, but I’m not that person anymore to rant about that sort of stuff on here anymore.

The whole point of this post is that I’m not the same person I used to be.  Happy silly party girl.  I admit it, it’s sort of disgusting to look back on.  Even a few years ago I was buying designer bags and heels and dressing up every single day… now you’re lucky if you can get me to brush my hair, put on any makeup and wear contacts – HAHA!  Gross, I know… but I like to think of it being me comfortable with ME being ME.

And back to the whole friend thing up above… bye to the negativity in my life.  I keep the good, I don’t care about the bad.

Yup, still gonna say something. Ball is is her court for her to show what kind of person she is.

*Drops the mic*

PS. Arrow and The Flash are the best shows ever. Baby Driver is the best movie I’ve seen in forever.

The end.

What makes you “normal”?

One of my best friends asked me “What is normal?” the other day when I said that I wasn’t “normal”.  I told him that being normal was weird, because what is normal? WHAT IS NORMAL?

I’m not normal, I don’t think I ever have been.  For a brief moment in my life I wanted to be… seriously, it’s hilarious.  I wanted to be a cheerleader and “popular” and date the cutest guy in school.  But I was far from it.  I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast, I couldn’t dress, I was super awkward, but I was me.

I was the girl who begged my mom to go to a school dance and when I finally got to go to one, everyone had someone to dance with except me…  no one would touch me with a ten foot pole.  Totally scarring as a pre-teen, totally glad I didn’t dance with any of those gross guys now.

But, look at me now.  My past made me strong.  And my own mind kept my strength up.

My mother asked me today why I look so unhappy all the time lately… I was playing some game on my phone… I told her, I had a “sadness”.  She asked me, “What right do YOU have to have a sadness inside you?”  I didn’t answer her.  I don’t need to.  I don’t need to answer to anyone why I have this sadness in me… It’s been in me since I can remember.  I have a sadness but also a light; Which is why I still live on, strong, with hope and optimism.

There’s a sadness that has always been there, but I blame no one for it but myself for letting it linger.  I want no pity, no worry, no “special care” for it.  I know what’s wrong with me, that’s why I’m okay with who I am and why I can handle myself and take care of myself.

I am a stronger woman because of this.  And just because I have sadness that overcomes and consumes within me doesn’t mean I don’t have happiness that keeps me continuing on in life.

ps. I look cute today.

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Yay to 5 Seconds of Summer tank top, Harry Styles necklace and Liam Payne makeup.  I just tried the eyeshadows and lipgloss but it was fun.  Someone needs to teach me how to do makeup because I’m lazy AF about it and I know nothing about contouring.  Amanda,  you makeup guru, help me!

Discovering myself…

It’s hard to always stand up for yourself, let alone even know who you are as a person.  I’ve been going through a darkness, and at times I feel like I’m spiraling down that I can’t get out of it.  Deeper and deeper into the madness.  And not in the awesome Alice in Wonderland way, which I could kill to be in right now.  Things would make a lot more sense there.

But, I suppose, that’s what reality is.  Things don’t make sense.  Or maybe it does, or will, at the very end.  But when is this end.  I feel like I’m floating along, day by day, just living life like an empty shell.  I never imagined that I would ever know what that would feel like… but even at a young age I remember feeling empty and wanting to die.  I remember that day, that diary entry – in my Little Mermaid book – I was 8 and I had already lost hope.

I don’t blame those who have helped me become who I am today, but I blame myself for not being strong enough to endure it enough… or maybe too strong to not succumb to it and end the misery.

But lately I’m just numb. So much so, I’m physically numb, not just emotionally.  My mystery bruises manifest all over my body, I ache and my hands, feet and legs go numb.  Numb.  Is there even another good word for it?  It’s been awhile since my SATs.  *Chuckle* Doubt UrbanDictionary would help, but it would make me laugh.

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And I stand corrected.  I almost spit out my tea “I ran into a truck and din’t feel a thing!”  THEY DIDN’T EVEN USE “NUMB” IN THAT EXAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways.  I am feeling better, and sorry I’ve been using this blog to be ranting lately.  A lot of changes have been going on and in the works.  Been trying to better myself and make myself smile from the inside out more.  Thanks to those who read this, thanks to those who care, thanks to those who love me, those who understand me for being who I am and thanks to those who are unconditionally there for me.

I know I will rise like the Phoenix.

I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

And so I sit here…

It’s 3:02AM EST time and I’m sitting here watching tv marathons and movies on iTunes and Netflix.  I just finished off a bowl of homemade nachos and guacamole and I’m about to go warm up some more spicy pulled pork I made earlier.  Has this become my life?  This could be the wine talking, or the wandering mind thinking… but this is definitely not where I thought I would be… a year ago, two, three, five, ten? What has happened?

It’s funny how things work. Weight gain made me sad. But I gained weight cuz I’ve been happy. But the weight gain makes me not want to move… so while I eat less, I move less. I’m still not happy with my body. But that could just be my eating disorder talking.  Always in recovery, never fully recovered.

You guys have been with me through so many ups and downs and yet you remain loyal.  So much gratitude.  Love, lust, heartbreaks. Breakdowns and highs. Parties and mournings.

The past year I have been basically mostly living in Taiwan and I’ve forgotten my love for cooking, almost.  I stopped caring a lot about things I used to be so passionate about and I have no real explanation for it… but it’s recently sparked up again.

I cooked duck the other day. And today I had a pulled pork burrito/taco night with pomegranate guacamole, spicy mango pico de gallo with roasted garlic and corn and an extremely spicy salsa verde… along with some yummy gooey blue corn chip nachos.  I started to feel alive again.  I started a cooking idea journal/notebook again…. mainly b/c I was planning to cook for C on his birthday… and while things got in the way, I still got MAD IDEAS to play on.

SO…. I have ideas of doing supper parties.  [And have talked with a chef friend or two about doing pop ups] – I want to, once I move out, host supper/dinner parties, first once a month, and then possibly once a week.  People can BYOB and tell me their diets…. or just leave it up to me.  Hopefully soon after team, up with chefs and cool wine people.

I have so many ambitions and ideas… I want to write, I want to travel, I want to cook, I want to go back to school…. and I want to film it all. I have a secret thing about wanting to be in front of a camera.

So maybe this is how this blog is evolving.  It went from food diary to healthy eating and recipes to eating out and traveling extravagantly …. and then just personal…. me finding my inner peace…. healing and now this.  My lifestyle. Ever evolving.

This blog is now: Finding the real Miss Tiffie.

Please join me in my journey.

Moonlight Sonata – Beethoven

I’ve been obsessed with this song lately… and it’s probably gonna make me go back to playing the piano again…. which has been a few years that I’ve played magic with the keys.  I recently told a close friend that this is the perfect song of beauty and tragedy… when I die, I want to die to this song.  It makes my heart soar and wilt at the same time.  Is that possible?  I don’t think he understood and just felt I was being morbid.  “Fuck tragedy” and “I’ll probably never see you again” was what he said.  It burns. I’ve been going through a lot right now… and one of my closest and dearest,who knows what has been going on with me, says that to me?  Fuel to the fire.

I find the saddest music the most beautiful in the world?  Is that wrong of me?  Finding beauty in sorrow… I think that’s when truth comes out.  When you can show your sorrow to the world… and it’s transformed to this whole new creation of feelings.  It understands my pain, all the hurt built up inside of me and just makes it the most gorgeous thing.  This is not a suicide note, there is more to my life than just this.

….I just need a moment.

盂蘭節 aka Ghost Month aka 鬼節

This month is ghost month… and while it’s August, it’s lunar year, seventh month and called 盂蘭節…

Basically:

The Ghost Festival, also known as the Hungry Ghost Festival in modern day, Zhong Yuan Jie or Yu Lan Jie (traditional Chinese: 盂蘭節) is a traditional Buddhist and Taoist festival held in Asian countries. In theChinese calendar (a lunisolar calendar), the Ghost Festival is on the 15th night of the seventh month (14th in southern China).

In Chinese culture, the fifteenth day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar is calledGhost Day and the seventh month in general is regarded as the Ghost Month (鬼月), in which ghosts and spirits, including those of the deceased ancestors, come out from thelower realm. Distinct from both the Qingming Festival (in spring) and Double Ninth Festival(in autumn) in which living descendants pay homage to their deceased ancestors, during Ghost Festival, the deceased are believed to visit the living.

On the fifteenth day the realms of Heaven and Hell and the realm of the living are open and both Taoists and Buddhists would perform rituals to transmute and absolve the sufferings of the deceased. Intrinsic to the Ghost Month is veneration of the dead, where traditionally the filial piety of descendants extends to their ancestors even after their deaths. Activities during the month would include preparing ritualistic food offerings, burning incense, and burning joss paper, a papier-mâché form of material items such as clothes, gold and other fine goods for the visiting spirits of the ancestors. Elaborate meals (often vegetarian meals) would be served with empty seats for each of the deceased in the family treating the deceased as if they are still living. Ancestor worship is what distinguishes Qingming Festival from Ghost Festival because the latter includes paying respects to all deceased, including the same and younger generations, while the former only includes older generations. Other festivities may include, buying and releasing miniature paper boats and lanterns on water, which signifies giving directions to the lost ghosts and spirits of the ancestors and other deities.

Taiwanese traditions:

Traditionally, it is believed that ghosts haunt the island of Taiwan for the entire seventh lunar month, when the mid-summer Ghost Festival is held.[6] The month is known as Ghost Month.[7] The first day of the month is marked by opening the gate of a temple, symbolizing the gates of hell. On the twelfth day, lamps on the main altar are lit. On the thirteenth day, a procession of lanterns is held. On the fourteenth day, a parade is held for releasing water lanterns. Incense and food are offered to the spirits to avoid them visiting homes and spirit paper money is also burnt as an offering.[8] During the month, people avoid surgery, buying cars, swimming, and going out after dark. It is also important that addresses are not revealed to the ghosts

Wikipedia

Some of the Taboos:

  1. Do not stroll at night.
  2. Do not swim. It is said that drowned evil ghosts might try to drown people in order to find victims for them to rebirth.
  3. As the month is considered to be inauspicious, do not move to a new house, start new businesses or marry.
  4. Do not hang clothes outside at night.
  5. Do not pick up coins or money found on the street and if one does, never bring any home.
  6. Do not step on or kick the offerings by the roadside. If someone were to step on any offerings by accident, he or she should apologize aloud to ameliorate the situation
  7. Do not wear red because ghosts are attracted to red.
  8. Don’t sing and whistle as these may attract ghosts.
  9. Keep away from the walls as it is believed that ghosts like sticking to walls.
  10. If someone is born during the ghost month, avoid celebrating his or her birthday at night. It is better to celebrate during the daytime.
  11. Do not go out at 12 midnight as the ghost may approach you for food and other offerings for them.
  12. Do not open umbrellas in the house. It may attract spirits
  13. Do not take selfies or take videos. Ghost may appear in it. You may never know
  14. Do not sleep facing the mirror or something reflective. It guides the ghosts.

I have not really been caring about these things until my recent gifts that I have been blessed with.  My teacher has told me that people who have the blessing of talking to spirits and angels and all that communication have a hard time during this month.  The death and the ghosts and the evil can sense what I have and cling onto it.  The problem is, during this month, cleansing and healing are not allowed.  So I’m struggling.

I have been feeling drained, completely to the point of emptiness.  And I’m starving but when I eat I want to puke.  Everything has been feeling so negative to the point where I am just giving up and wanting to sleep 24/7.  My sleep is not even well.. it’s riddled with nightmares and I don’t move from my position for hours on end and have to willfully force myself to get up everyday with the little energy I have.  I feel disoriented, confused, out of focus and just…. empty.  That’s the best way to describe it.  Empty… and it’s worst at night.

This is affecting my work, my family life, and just me in general.  I can get a full night’s rest and still feel like I haven’t slept in days. It’s taking a toll on me and I’m wondering now if I have been blessed or cursed with my new found gift.  It’s scary… I was doing so well before and suddenly I just feel like a darkness has grabbed a hold of me and I can’t shake it away.  I keep telling it to leave me but I just feel so lost and spiraling down a deep dark whole.  Meditation.  Speaking to my angels.  Cards.  Nothing has helped.  I’m subduing my pain and lack thereof in any way that I can think of and it’s not helping.

I feel lost. I need Archangel Michael by my side to guide me through my fear and pain.

This is the first time ghost month has affected me.  Tonight I will leave an offering outside of my door…. and pray that they will leave me alone.  I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m desperate.

Just Believe…

It is so nice to be acknowledged of my growing skills.  Ever since learning I had a gift, my life has improved so much.  My close friends and family also see it within me, as has my teacher.  I’m praying more, meditating more, work has gone better than ever for me.  My health is doing better, my belief and my positivity has grown.

Before I had a kind heart, but a hurt one, a broken one and it took growing my gift to truly heal it.  Before I could smile on the outside but would be crying on the inside… but not I smile from within, and I can feel the warmth and the glow.

Today I did a reading for my dad, he was a bit reluctant at first but then he caved in.  He asked me questions only he had answers to and I answered them all correctly.  He now believes.  I also asked to heal a body part of his and prayed for Archangel Raphael, one who heals the body and health, to come to his side and to help him.  After the reading I was stunned that not only was, the usual Gabriel and Michael by my side but so was Raphael.  He had come to me when I called for him.

The more you believe.  The more you learn.  The more I open up my heart and my mind to the angels and the spirits I let them speak to me, talk to me, through me and the more I can help myself and others.

This card, also related to Arielle’s.  I am so glad that the angels are telling me that I have a gift.  I have only tried communication with the departed for a little while, but I also feel like “departed” loves ones also mean those who are not waling on earth, meaning all spiritual things around me.

There have been a few challenges that have come up but I have been strong and have been trying to beat through them.  It’s tiresome, hurtful and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that I shouldn’t and deep down I don’t.  I was told, only I can help and make this work… to help heal a wounded soul is difficult.  But it’s a challenge I am willing to take on.

Oh ho ho. New people in my life, eh?  Today I did a tarot reading, a new way, with my teacher and my card came out as Lovers.  Will this be the year that I find “The One” and not the oh constantly “Wrong One”? Haha.  We shall see, but this card makes me smile.

But like I always say, it’ll come to you.  Yo don’t need to seek it out.  But I am always open to new, good, people in my life.

XOXO

Not my typical Sunday

I had an amazing day… I woke up at 730am to get ready for my RPI Alumni meets new students brunch all the way in Medford.  Being the lazy person that I am, and a sleep-in-aholic, I almost didn’t go… but I read a few cards and they all said that today was going to be good.  And it was good.  In fact, it was great.  It started a bit rough, I had some personal issues I’m STILL dealing with (ugh!) but after a bit of this and that, I got over it and had a great time at the brunch!

This is all I got to say:

The event was so much fun!  All the alumni got to introduce themselves and have a little speech about what they did and advice for the new frosh coming in.  I was the only non-engineer and was kooky and, I feel, the most truthful about the whole situation.  I just told them to have fun, enjoy themselves…  don’t feel forced to join anything and just attend all the events that you want to, but DO attend events.

Talked to a lot of recent grads, a lot of future frosh and their parents, it was a really great time!  In fact, I was the first person to win from the raffle! WOOT!  I also had a LOT of sugar and coffee….. I’m totally going to be attending a lot more of these alumni events from now on.  Everyone was super nice and fun to talk to.  Tons of swag, food and beverages too.  I felt like I should’ve tossed in a 20$ or something.

Afterwards, after planning on a movie, eating and tattoos…. it ended up just being a nice relaxing day on a couch with mimosas and tequila and marathoning Penny Dreadful, eating real food…. but, my fault for choosing Greek, “OK” gyro plates….[DIY meh gyros, meh.. pitas broke apart, chicken was dry, but the veg was fresh and the tzatziki sauce was on point] and just being happy me, with company of course :]

Penny Dreadful is SUCH an amazing show.  We marathon’d a whole season and then some.  And every character is just so intriguing!  It’s amazing.. it’s like watching a neverending horror movie with a perfectly casted cast. << haha.

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And so then now what?

Today is the first day of my Birthday month…. there will be dinners, parties, more time with my own Mr. Gray, travel to NC to see my Amanda, traveling…. and just being happy.  And hopefully no more of that outside negativity in my life. How does one stay so obsessive to the point of crazy?  Thankfully it doesn’t affect my life and who I am, I just don’t care [re-watch Demi video above]

And that said, I’m going to bed, goodnight my loves. XOXO.