And so I sit here…

It’s 3:02AM EST time and I’m sitting here watching tv marathons and movies on iTunes and Netflix.  I just finished off a bowl of homemade nachos and guacamole and I’m about to go warm up some more spicy pulled pork I made earlier.  Has this become my life?  This could be the wine talking, or the wandering mind thinking… but this is definitely not where I thought I would be… a year ago, two, three, five, ten? What has happened?

It’s funny how things work. Weight gain made me sad. But I gained weight cuz I’ve been happy. But the weight gain makes me not want to move… so while I eat less, I move less. I’m still not happy with my body. But that could just be my eating disorder talking.  Always in recovery, never fully recovered.

You guys have been with me through so many ups and downs and yet you remain loyal.  So much gratitude.  Love, lust, heartbreaks. Breakdowns and highs. Parties and mournings.

The past year I have been basically mostly living in Taiwan and I’ve forgotten my love for cooking, almost.  I stopped caring a lot about things I used to be so passionate about and I have no real explanation for it… but it’s recently sparked up again.

I cooked duck the other day. And today I had a pulled pork burrito/taco night with pomegranate guacamole, spicy mango pico de gallo with roasted garlic and corn and an extremely spicy salsa verde… along with some yummy gooey blue corn chip nachos.  I started to feel alive again.  I started a cooking idea journal/notebook again…. mainly b/c I was planning to cook for C on his birthday… and while things got in the way, I still got MAD IDEAS to play on.

SO…. I have ideas of doing supper parties.  [And have talked with a chef friend or two about doing pop ups] – I want to, once I move out, host supper/dinner parties, first once a month, and then possibly once a week.  People can BYOB and tell me their diets…. or just leave it up to me.  Hopefully soon after team, up with chefs and cool wine people.

I have so many ambitions and ideas… I want to write, I want to travel, I want to cook, I want to go back to school…. and I want to film it all. I have a secret thing about wanting to be in front of a camera.

So maybe this is how this blog is evolving.  It went from food diary to healthy eating and recipes to eating out and traveling extravagantly …. and then just personal…. me finding my inner peace…. healing and now this.  My lifestyle. Ever evolving.

This blog is now: Finding the real Miss Tiffie.

Please join me in my journey.

Fairy Tales don’t always have happy endings….

How does one start a story…

And why does anyone have to end one?

Today, I had a delicious al dente [perfectly so] spaghetti dish with tons of mushrooms and truffle [but not overly so as if they had to compensate for something – plus I saw black spots, so it seemed real] and some broccoli [I got them greens in! LOL] Just this cute little cafe, Sugar Cafe, across the street from my – soon to be not-apartment.

I had a heart to heart to one of my close relatives and we talked about a lot. I opened up a lot. I don’t usually do that, my secrets, my horrors, my pains, I like to keep to my own.

I thought that moving to Taiwan would’ve been my re-birth, but it turns out… leaving Taiwan is my true “phoenix moment”

I feel like I’m in some weird reality tv show that isn’t being filmed – but should be. And yet so much I don’t want anyone to know because it is my own private story.  All I can say, is that, things happened which ached hearts and broke trust.  It’s easy to say, but hard to realize.  And while I pray, I’ve prayed so hard, more than I have in the past few years… I have learned to accept it.

So now what? How do I end this story? Tears have been constantly streaming down my face… but I’m accepting it. I AM ACCEPTING IT. This is life. THIS IS LIFE. This is my life. And heart broken more than it ever has been… but I can’t fight anymore.  I thought I was strong but my strength has been used up …. What will be is what will be.

Thank you to my loves for all the support, motivation and love.

My soon-to-be-not-apartment smells like delicious curry that my love made today.  I’m sure I’ll be chewing on that and packing in the morning.  He’s an amazing cook.

And that’s how the post is gonna end. Without a real ending… there is no real ending, there is only the future.

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byebye past, hello future

This is the beginning of a whole new life for me.  A new chapter with one of the best people I know in my life.  I’m not running away from my past but I have moved on, beyond and I’m only looking forward, hand in hand with my love.

A few things I’m considering, now that this has gone from health blog, foodie blog, for awhile it got all personal and “shtuff” and now into a lifestyle blog.  Should I get rid of all my old posts?  Or just leave them on to see how I’ve grown?  Tons of old posts are still being read, even commented on, so I feel like I’m taking away from hiding them….

But this is a new start for me.

After over 24 hours in airports, but mostly an airplane… I am on the other side of the world, for who knows how long.  On the plane I watched Tiny Times (finally!!!), Room and Trainwreck.  Which strangely, I connected to all three.

Tiny Times.  The Asian, younger version of Sex and the City.  College students who great up together and their stories.  Each girl different from the other (all gorgeous of course and all in different situations in their lives – of course – but even the most glamorous has difficulties.)  Who hasn’t gone through a time admiring successful beautiful people.  The super athletic one.  The super rich one.  The gorgeous one.  The artistic one.  The smartest one.  Or wanted “Mr. Perfect” etc. etc.  This movie reminds us that we are still, in fact, all the same.  All the same insecurities, pains, emotions, feelings – and most of us, truly do in fact have a soul.

Room.  A girl was raped and abducted for over 5 years and had a child and was living in one room for that long.  Her son, his whole life, was based on a tv, books “surprise Sundays” and the room.  It was interesting how the girl got frustrated at her own son being scared of the world she always knew of and dreamed of going back into – after they got saved.  It also reminded me of how materialistic the world has become, how reliant we are with technology and not appreciating the beauty we have all around us, waiting to happen, things that have happened.  Just even a window to look outside.

Trainwreck.  I’ll just let the name speak for itself.  Thankfully I was never even close to how awful of a place she was in.  But let’s just got back to Tiny Times’ conclusion.  Everyone has gone through shit.

And then I think of where I am now.

I am happy.

I AM HAPPY.

Of course, nothing will ever be perfect… but I am HAPPY.

So yup. First 24 hours has been a lot of sleep (we both passed out around 9ish last night)  And it’s currently 6 in the morning.  More later on.  Feel free to check out my tweets and instagram for quicker updates.

xoxo, Tiffie