Back to you….

I just don’t get it… why are people just liars and cheaters and fakes.  I am so sick of it.  People are so freaking selfish and I can’t stand it.  And I don’t know why I always forgive them and go back to them……………..  maybe I’m just that much broken.

Why do people say “sorry” when they don’t even mean it?  And why do people still fall for it?  It’s a never ending circle, it’s saddening, heartbreaking and yet inevitable and it just happens over and over again.  When will the cycle end?  For the lucky ones, it doesn’t happen, or it happens once or twice.  But for people like me, I shouldn’t have picked up that penny the wrong side up, it’s the story of my life.

At times, I just don’t know how to feel anymore.  Numb, I’ve said before, just numb.

I accept all of my problems and disorders and “crazy” that I have… and I feel like everyone in my life does too… well mostly… the true ones.  The ones who love me and accept me for who I am.

“I love it, I hate it…”  Guess I’m just a masochistic. LOL.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve got a Jet Black Heart.

[Bebe Rexha:]
I know you say you know me, know me well
But these days I don’t even know myself, no
I always thought I’d be with someone else
I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

I call you but you never even answer
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you

[Louis Tomlinson:]
I know my friends they give me bad advice
Like move on, get you out my mind
But don’t you think I haven’t even tried
You got me cornered and my hands are tied

[Louis Tomlinson & Bebe Rexha:]
You got me so addicted to the drama
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

[Louis Tomlinson:]
Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you

And I guess you’ll never know
All the bullshit that you put me through
And I guess you’ll never know, no

[Bebe Rexha & Louis Tomlinson:]
Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder
You can be the pill to ease the pain
‘Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama
Baby, here we go again

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you
Back to you
I just keep on coming back to you

It’s coming…

Once again another birthday is coming on upon me.  I used to go crazy and throw extravagant parties where I would get super dressed up, buy expensive outfits, go to fancy dinners and have crazy club/lounge parties.  Yes, one of them was at a circus-themed club.

As the years have passed, my parties have calmed down and been more casual, to the point where I just stopped and decided to spend my day relaxing.  Vegas with the girls became Maine with my dog. [I guess it’s still going somewhere with one of my “bitches” right? Hahaha…ok I found it funny in my head]

Lately, I’ve lost a lot of faith in friendship with friends, but I’ve also found out how strong some of my true friendships are.

I’ve gone through a lot in the past year and a half, tons of transitions, but in all of that I have been finding myself.  I spent a whole day crying the other day because I was so mad… not at realizing my friend wasn’t really my friend, but that I do so much for people and I never ask for anything back – and I get nothing back.  I realized I had to rethink who to trust, who to love, who to still talk to and who to just give up on.

I try too hard.

Thank you to everyone who was there for me to help me through that situation.

One of my friends, who usually isn’t usually into this emotional hoodoo voodoo stuff said to me “Tiffie, dear, it shouldn’t matter why you’re upset, the fact that you ARE upset is ALL that should matter to a true friend”  And it hit me. it’s true.  I was upset, and hit with reasons why I shouldn’t be upset because I was a worse person.  The whole conversation had nothing to do with who was a bad friend but that’s what it became.

I had written a whole blog post about it, but I’m not that person anymore to rant about that sort of stuff on here anymore.

The whole point of this post is that I’m not the same person I used to be.  Happy silly party girl.  I admit it, it’s sort of disgusting to look back on.  Even a few years ago I was buying designer bags and heels and dressing up every single day… now you’re lucky if you can get me to brush my hair, put on any makeup and wear contacts – HAHA!  Gross, I know… but I like to think of it being me comfortable with ME being ME.

And back to the whole friend thing up above… bye to the negativity in my life.  I keep the good, I don’t care about the bad.

Yup, still gonna say something. Ball is is her court for her to show what kind of person she is.

*Drops the mic*

PS. Arrow and The Flash are the best shows ever. Baby Driver is the best movie I’ve seen in forever.

The end.

I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

Friday, July 1, 2016: Life Review

Archangel Jeremiel: “Take inventory of your life, and resolve to change or heal anything that is unbalanced.”

Today I had class with my spiritual teacher and learned and healed a lot.  Lately the thing that keeps me going and keeps my spirits up is seeing my teacher, my mentor.  I am learning quite fast and she has told me that I have a gift.  While I came to see her, just once, for a cleanse of negativity, she saw more in me.  Today a lot of things came more clear to me, that I need closure.  A change, I need to heal myself because I have been self-punishing myself and letting negativity get to me too much.  This card was straight on.

Tonight I spent a lot of time with family and loved ones.  Laughed and talked a lot and was really happy.  Ate simple but delicious food and just had a wonderful time.  I accepted myself for who I am, and also accepted my flaws and am willing to change them.  I also learned a lot in class today, which has me super excited.  My newest gift/sense is growing larger and larger… my spirituality has grown exponentially and I have changed so much.  Grown a lot and have become closer to God and to loving myself, finally.

I love me. I love my friends and family.  Thanks all to me loving God.