Insomnia vs Chronic Fatigue

For many years now I’ve been battling between the two. My chronic pain hasn’t been helping either, it either helps with not sleeping, or just continuously sleeping for long periods of time.

Sleeping at 30 min-1 hr intervals, waking up at specific times throughout the night and day… not knowing how much time has past… sometimes I feel like a zombie.

I am part vampire and part zombie. If you know me, you get the joke, but also know it’s not a joke.

I have 4cm of dead in my hip aka zombie and I’m anemic, vitamin D deficient aka vampire. I’m a night owl… but I also wake up at 4:30am.

I keep on living even though I’m in pain, because who has time for sleep?

I don’t know what I’m typing anymore.

Watch “My Brilliant Life”, it was amazing… appreciate every second of your life and everyone loving around you.

Goodnight friends.

“I’m here for the AC…”

The other day I went to the hospital for another appointment… does it matter for what? Not really.

I had gotten into a huge argument with my mother beforehand, I just wanted to go and get it over with. As I waited for the elevator, a sweet old gentlemen offered for me to get on first… and even clicked on what floor I needed to get off for me.

He then proceeded to talk about how glad he was it wasn’t so hot anymore [we recently had record breaking high heat lately…]. I returned his kind face with a smile and said “Today has been such gorgeous weather!!!!” He smiled back and nodded.

He then said, with a slight sigh, “I’m only here for the air conditioning!”

I smiled, and was going to say, “you should’ve gone to the movies instead…” but I eyed the floor he was going on and it was for outpatient some sort of therapy. So I just giggled with him, saying I was too and we parted ways.

“Have a great day!”

“Yes, you too!”

I realize meeting so many patients in hospitals, most of us stay so positive, happy, optimistic… it’s very uplifting when we talk and meet each other. We always wish each other the best and say the most unobvious uplifting things.

Bless his soul for making me smile within my heart that day… the smallest small talk made a big impact during my sad moment in life. Thank you!

Can you be an optimistic sad person?

I have always been the ‘glass half full’ type of girl. My whole life, after being bullied, abused, ridiculed, belittled, talked down upon, faced racism, sexism, been hated for just being me, etc… I always tell myself every morning, with a smile on my face, today is a new day.

OK, fine, I’m lying, I don’t always wake up with a smile on my face, or think that this new day will be any better… but I DO keep trying to tell myself that. Isn’t that a thing? Think positive, positive things will happen? BTW, a lie, but also I do believe think negative and negative things will happen.

I’m having an……………… OK streak.

I’d say bad but it’s not all that bad, it’s been awful but I have my good moments. With all the bad moments in life, I love to only remember the best, greatest moments. The best moments are the ones that made me glow and smile from within…. Nothing money or success or fame can buy. They’re the moments, usually the small ones that make me so happy to have lived my life as I have.

Never live in your negative past memories and thoughts, or you will be miserable your whole life. I’ve had so many bad things happen to me and have met bad people, but I only want to remember the good. You might think I’m being naive or stupid, or avoiding the bad… Not avoiding the bad… the bad happened, and I will avoid it ever happening again. I just don’t need to drown in my own sorrows, self-pity, woe, whatever it is.

Not worth it. I’d rather eat something decadent and worry about my waistline [haha]

This past year has been so rough for me, emotionally…physically, and the physical also influenced the emotional. Brave face, brave mind, brave heart. I’ll survive. Life goes on…

Eating habits vs Emotions

As someone who has battled an eating disorder since… well most of my life… while it has been on and off… I’ve recently self-discovered what it’s like to be in control of my feelings towards foods. Fears and all…

It’s hard. Some days I don’t think of it at all and just eat what I want, whatever I want, how ever much I want… but then I have days where even a single grain of rice will terrify me.

Lately, I’ve been eating when hungry, and making sure that my meals are balanced. A lot has happened in this past year, to the point where I almost died, but being in rehab for my disability and my continual treatments and doctor work has really helped me get better.

It’s a beautiful thing for me to just enjoy life this way. I absolutely LOVE food and so having fear towards it was the absolute worst. Imagine rejecting the most delectable food because you feared it. It wasn’t because of weight gain or anything, it was a fear of losing control.

Recently a lot of things have happened in my life that has stressed me out completely. I’ve had a severe loss of appetite and also my taste buds seems too have changed [no, I didn’t get covid, knock on wood] I don’t sleep well and I have no appetite. The fear of my life long eating disorder creeping back up scares me, so I force myself to eat, even a bit, every day.

The struggle is real. I can eat a lot, a lot!!!! And I LOVE food, but I can also not eat, for days on end. Hence why I’ve got hospitalized last year, and why I’ve been sick a lot. As soon as I lose my appetite, if I don’t want to eat, I won’t.

This time it’s different… I make sure I eat, no matter how much or little it is. I eat to the point where I won’t feel sick… whether it be two bites or ten… whatever will keep me functioning. I think that’s why my shoulder, broken, should’ve taken 10 months to heal, did in 4. I ate incredibly well in Taiwan, gained no weight and was so happy eating my three huge filling meals a day.

I’ll admit, I lost weight when I came back … but come on, who wouldn’t… Taiwan food is the best! You can get anything delicious you want, whenever you want. BUT…

I’m still doing my best to make sure I eat. My veggies, fruits, protein and carbs, every meal. Even though sometimes I might feel “out of control” eating more of something delicious… like cakes and ice cream… I LOVE pie [and I found a whole pie in the fridge my mom secretly bought for me EEEE~~~~~~~ my favorite type of pie] I feel happy that I feel in control of my feelings and my life.

Maybe that’s what it has always been. No control over my life made me feel like I needed to control my food. Which is why it has always been so on and off.

Why am I writing this at 4 in the morning? I was watching YouTube food videos [hahaha…specifically Woongei… go watch him, he’s so cute and can eat so much… HAI BE MY BF!?!?!]

No but seriously. I need to stop having how I eat reflected on how I feel. Especially when I eat it makes me happy… I need to keep it that way.

What makes you happy? Music, Food… Gummies… Lollipops…My cat… dancing around my house… road trips… my piano… the beach…my blank is from when I was 3. Memories of Didi… the smell of autumn leaves, and the first snowfall of the season. Christmas… which is why I always have Christmas lights up and my mini Xmas tree… surprises. Anything so funny that I laugh til I cry…

I want to forever only cry from laughter and happiness and no more tears of sadness…

Breaking down.. and picking myself back up

I had a rough week. I admit it. Rough, both mentally and physically and I’m sure they play a part in each.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 5am as I have been lately, and I just lay there… my whole chest and up my throat felt stuffed with cotton balls and it was so hard to breath. I felt like I was having a panic attack for no reason… perhaps all the nightmares I’ve been having lately? …So I lay there for hours, until 2pm when I tried to get up for family therapy. I could barely move but still walked out to my dining room table to talk with her. What was going to be a few minutes, turned into the whole hour session… definitely a lot more at ease.

This has been happening a lot lately, lying there, can’t breath, can’t move, can’t sleep, can’t get up. I lie there thinking happy thoughts and singing songs in my head. Sometimes if I find the strength I play some on my iPhone. It helps, slower than a pill would, but mentally healthier in my opinion.

Back to the nightmares. I’ve been having nightmares, scary ones… and not just ghosts are creepy crawly creatures, but real life situations. Maybe I do watch too much true crime, horror movies and k-dramas, they all get combined into a very realistic type of scary in my dreams.

The other day I was telling my PT about a horror movie thriller I watched the night before… [She seems to enjoy me re-telling her stories of movies and true crime hehe, we have that in common because she shares a lot with me too]. And after, she asked me…

“Do you get nightmares after watching these movies?”

“Nope!”

To be honest, I don’t. But in my weird twisted mind, as soon as I close my eyes, every weird real life, things I’ve seen and watched get combined into my own new movie.

I should start writing more dreams down… since my neuropathy meds, sometimes I can’t remember my dreams as vividly as I used to… but lemme tell you, I’ve written down some crazy, long twisted plot turning dreams. Intense.

Sunday Funday.

Update on the Health…. I need help!!!!

People who have been following me on all my other social medias have known that my health has recently gotten a little dip.  I sort of think it was stemming from living in my apt in Taiwan the last trip, because my first symptoms of edema [swollen feet and ankles and sometimes legs] started after it, when I went to Florida [DISNEY!!!!]

I was fine back at home in Boston minus some foot pains occasionally or if I ate things that were too salty….

Coming to Taiwan, most of the trip my legs/feet were fine until I got to Hong Kong.  But even  when I arrived to Taiwan, some swelling would come but I’d drink liquids, flush it out and elevate my legs to help it.

In Japan, I walked a lot and it was actually quite ok.  It wasn’t until I came back to Taiwan and started getting my surgeries [small things, ear, belly button, leg] and taking antibiotics that my health really deteriorated.  And then I found out that the sides of my bed [It’s up against the wall] underneath had NOT been cleaned out in forever and it was thick black crusted mold, dust, cockroaches, crap, etc. — waa Taiwan, the land of humidity and dirty air…. and fucking cockroaches dying under my bed.

I actually went to the hospital and ER a few times and contemplating going again tonight or tmw morning to ER to get a second opinion.  My blood circulation pills and another weird pill helped a little but I still had so much pain.

SO, yesterday I got a new mattress and fully cleaned out the grossness surrounding my bed which I’ve sucked in for months and months… gag… and hopefully that’ll help.  I also found lists of things to avoid eating when puffy… basically meats [esp beef waa – I was craving it], dairy, fats, nuts, seeds, shellfish, anything oily buttery…. cold raw fruits and veg… waaaa what do I eat?!?!

But at least they have a nice list of things I can eat… adzuki bean congee, soybeans, barley, pumpkin, chicken, barley, parsley, clams, pineapple, grapes, soybeans, scallions, vinegar, seaweeds, watermelon, zucchinni, etc… I’ll post pics of the screen captions I got.

Does anyone have experience with this?  I’m in so much pain.  Any help would be a big help!!! Thanks!!!!

I’ve been crying a lot from the frustration and pain.

Excess Flesh: a good look at the truth of eating disorders thru a crazy awesome movie

The first time I watched this movie I was just in for the horror and the gore… I had no idea it would hit me this much.  Being a recovered anorexic/bulimic I ended up being obsessed with this movie and looking up as many reviews as possible.  But yet, no one had the same perspective that I had on this movie… and no one interpreted it the same way I did.

Jennifer, a skinny sexy model who can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, is best friends with Jill, a normal sized chick who ends who binging and purging or starving for days… they are roommates and it’s a messed up relationship.

Jennifer is extroverted and sleeps around a lot while Jill is introverted and prefers to stay at home all day, but is an extra agent cook.  While Jennifer gorges on junk food, Jill starves herself all day until the middle of the night – which leads to regret, chewing and spitting, or purging. 

The friendship is very vioiatle and it focuses on people chewing and eating a lot – which, is actually quite disgusting. 

To me, unaccording to other critics and receivers… I believe that Jill and Jennifer are the same person. Jennifer is Jill’s inner “hungry” girl… while Jill is Jennifer’s inner “fat” girl (although they definitely did not chose an overweight actress to play the part)

There are lots of weird forced food and eating moments during the movie. Jill even locked Jennifer up and she escapes but the cops don’t even act like they are two people, just one… therefore why I think they ARE one person.

In the end, after she’s supposedly “dead”, Jennifer shows up to a casting call and they even say something of the likes of “oh it’s her again”… which makes me even more sure that that Jennifer and Jill are the same person.

I duno. Thoughts?

Can you believe it’s February? 2017?

I have so many posts, “almost finished” on here…. I promise to post my New Years Eve dinner post tonight, but life has just been flying past me.

Swoooooshhhhhh….

I feel like this website needs a makeover, do-over, something.  It’s become more of a lifestyle blog than a food blog, although food still is my main love :]  But hey, the older you get, the more life gets in your way.  You grow, evolve… changes.

I’m trying this “healthy” approach to my snacking and randomly missing meals with RXBars and ProteinWorld smoothies… but hell, sometimes I just want my bag of chips to munch on.  My body doesn’t do too well with salty food, so I constantly crave it.  Ahhh, the irony.

2017 has been interesting. I was back in the States before Xmas 2016 but so much drama and blah blah blah… oh and BLAH!… Thankfully I’ve had great people to be there with me and for me [as me for them] during the times.  Love is in the air.  I love you my friends/family.

Anyways just wanna put it out there, I shall be blogging more, cooking more [hopefully]  and I hope I haven’t lost a ton of you….  especially since I’ve been back and forth from Asia and America so much – still figuring out where I wanna end up living at for a “time” or just stick with traveling everywhere :] OK… time to finish my plan for tomorrow’s menu and my NYE Dinner blog post that’s long overdue.

xo always,

I’m back bitches!!!!!!!!

Tiffie

PS. Patriots are DA FUGGING CHAMPIONS……AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This year’s superbowl was unforgettable and epic. Tom Brady for life <3 You know what else was on fire? The wings I made for Superbowl Sunday. Scotch bonnet, garlic, shallots, pineapple, etc…. FIRE <3 Fire like Brady was!!!!! Holla!

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byebye past, hello future

This is the beginning of a whole new life for me.  A new chapter with one of the best people I know in my life.  I’m not running away from my past but I have moved on, beyond and I’m only looking forward, hand in hand with my love.

A few things I’m considering, now that this has gone from health blog, foodie blog, for awhile it got all personal and “shtuff” and now into a lifestyle blog.  Should I get rid of all my old posts?  Or just leave them on to see how I’ve grown?  Tons of old posts are still being read, even commented on, so I feel like I’m taking away from hiding them….

But this is a new start for me.

After over 24 hours in airports, but mostly an airplane… I am on the other side of the world, for who knows how long.  On the plane I watched Tiny Times (finally!!!), Room and Trainwreck.  Which strangely, I connected to all three.

Tiny Times.  The Asian, younger version of Sex and the City.  College students who great up together and their stories.  Each girl different from the other (all gorgeous of course and all in different situations in their lives – of course – but even the most glamorous has difficulties.)  Who hasn’t gone through a time admiring successful beautiful people.  The super athletic one.  The super rich one.  The gorgeous one.  The artistic one.  The smartest one.  Or wanted “Mr. Perfect” etc. etc.  This movie reminds us that we are still, in fact, all the same.  All the same insecurities, pains, emotions, feelings – and most of us, truly do in fact have a soul.

Room.  A girl was raped and abducted for over 5 years and had a child and was living in one room for that long.  Her son, his whole life, was based on a tv, books “surprise Sundays” and the room.  It was interesting how the girl got frustrated at her own son being scared of the world she always knew of and dreamed of going back into – after they got saved.  It also reminded me of how materialistic the world has become, how reliant we are with technology and not appreciating the beauty we have all around us, waiting to happen, things that have happened.  Just even a window to look outside.

Trainwreck.  I’ll just let the name speak for itself.  Thankfully I was never even close to how awful of a place she was in.  But let’s just got back to Tiny Times’ conclusion.  Everyone has gone through shit.

And then I think of where I am now.

I am happy.

I AM HAPPY.

Of course, nothing will ever be perfect… but I am HAPPY.

So yup. First 24 hours has been a lot of sleep (we both passed out around 9ish last night)  And it’s currently 6 in the morning.  More later on.  Feel free to check out my tweets and instagram for quicker updates.

xoxo, Tiffie

Healthy Chinese Herbal Eats at 神農

After lunch, my little get-away, a mid-day nap and getting my hair did…. me and my mom and aunts headed off to another one of my favorite restaurants in Taichung, 神農.

Some beautiful fluffy flowers….

Some complimentary small dishes while we wait for our foods…. with some delicious medicinal tea.

Everything on the menu is medicinal and have “curing” things about them and are cooked and paired correctly to help make us healthier.

甘蔗苗 [Sugar Cane “Seedlings” directly translated] which – if I’m correct, and feel free to correct me if I’m wrong – is the tips of the Sugar Cane plants.  They are not “sweet” like the normal sugar cane or fibrous – they remind me of bamboo shoots, super tender and delicious.

Mixed Asian Mushrooms….  yes, literally those puffs that look like sponges are mushrooms. NOM!  And if you know me, I ADORE mushrooms.

Those puffs are Bear’s Head Mushroom aka Hericium.

 “In China and Japan, species of Hericium are highly valued for their medicinal properties;[11] in particular, H. erinaceus is used intraditional Chinese medicine.[12] In recent decades there has been considerable research interest in the bioactive properties of this species, and several compounds isolated from H. erinaceus have biological activities, including cytotoxic effects on cancer cells, stimulatory effects on nerve growth factor synthesis,[13] antimicrobial and nematicidal activity, and antitumor activity.[14][15]

Hericium species can be purchased in dried form for use in cooking and as medicine.”

Wikipedia

Boiled Shrimp topped with some 木耳 [Wood Ear, a fungus] and 红枣 [Red Dates].

Boiled Dumplings 水餃 – they’re so good,with 薺菜 [Shepherd’s Purse] and pork.  Simple and delicious – just how I like my everything haha.  Yep, even the dumplings are super healthy for you.

Medicinal use for 薺菜 [Shepherd’s Purse]:

“When dried and infused, it yields a tea which is still considered by herbalists one of the best specifics for stopping haemorrhages of all kinds – of the stomach, the lungs, or the uterus, and more especially bleeding from the kidneys.

Its haemostyptic properties have long been known and are said to equal those of ergot and hydrastis. During the Great War, when these were no longer obtainable in German commerce, a liquid extract of Capsella bursapastoris was used as a substitute, the liquidextract being made by exhausting the drug with boiling water. Bomelon found the herb of prompt use to arrest bleedings and flooding, when given in the form of a fluid extract, in doses of 1 to 2 spoonfuls.

Culpepper says it helps bleeding from wounds – inward or outward – and: ‘if bound to the wrists, or the soles of the feet, it helps the jaundice. The herb made into poultices, helps inflammation and St. Anthony’s fire. The juice dropped into ears, heals the pains, noise and matterings thereof. A good ointment may be made of it for all wounds, especially wounds in the head.’

It has been used in English domestic practice from early times as an astringent in diarrhoea; it was much used in decoction with milk to check active purgings in calves.

It has been employed in fresh decoction in haematuria, haemorrhoids, chronic diarrhcea and dysentery, and locally as a vulnerary in nose-bleeding, which is checked by inserting the juice on cotton-wool. It is also used as an application in rheumatic affections, and has been found curative in various uterine haemorrhages, especially those with which uterine cramp and colic are associated, and also in various passive haemorrhages from mucous surfaces.

It is a remedy of the first importance in catarrhal conditions of the bladder and ureters, also in ulcerated conditions and abscess of the bladder. It increases the flow of urine. Its use is specially indicated when there is white mucous matter voided with the urine; relief in these cases following at once.”

Read more about it here.

Delicious Noodles tossed lightly in a 苦茶油 aka Tea Tree Oil, which translated directly into English is Bitter Tea Oil.

Delicious Sweet Potato/Yam Greens 甘薯瓣 with some Goji 枸杞 berries.

Black Chicken [烏骨雞] Herbal Soup

冬蟲夏草烏骨雞

Straight from the words of their website: “如同黃金般珍貴的冬蟲夏草隔水加熱後以水蒸氣慢慢炊熟,加入自釀超過一年的何首烏酒與無抗生素污染的烏骨雞。甘香美味的高湯徹底顛覆你對傳統藥膳苦澀的認知喔!”

The feets are my favorite!!!!! YUMMMMM

Shrimpy shrimp.  Got to eat it the right way.  Rip off the head, suck the innards of it and then eat the rest after you peel off the shell.

A yummy light dessert. MMMMM Black Sugar jelly/custard 黑糖凍.