Breaking down.. and picking myself back up

I had a rough week. I admit it. Rough, both mentally and physically and I’m sure they play a part in each.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 5am as I have been lately, and I just lay there… my whole chest and up my throat felt stuffed with cotton balls and it was so hard to breath. I felt like I was having a panic attack for no reason… perhaps all the nightmares I’ve been having lately? …So I lay there for hours, until 2pm when I tried to get up for family therapy. I could barely move but still walked out to my dining room table to talk with her. What was going to be a few minutes, turned into the whole hour session… definitely a lot more at ease.

This has been happening a lot lately, lying there, can’t breath, can’t move, can’t sleep, can’t get up. I lie there thinking happy thoughts and singing songs in my head. Sometimes if I find the strength I play some on my iPhone. It helps, slower than a pill would, but mentally healthier in my opinion.

Back to the nightmares. I’ve been having nightmares, scary ones… and not just ghosts are creepy crawly creatures, but real life situations. Maybe I do watch too much true crime, horror movies and k-dramas, they all get combined into a very realistic type of scary in my dreams.

The other day I was telling my PT about a horror movie thriller I watched the night before… [She seems to enjoy me re-telling her stories of movies and true crime hehe, we have that in common because she shares a lot with me too]. And after, she asked me…

“Do you get nightmares after watching these movies?”

“Nope!”

To be honest, I don’t. But in my weird twisted mind, as soon as I close my eyes, every weird real life, things I’ve seen and watched get combined into my own new movie.

I should start writing more dreams down… since my neuropathy meds, sometimes I can’t remember my dreams as vividly as I used to… but lemme tell you, I’ve written down some crazy, long twisted plot turning dreams. Intense.

Sunday Funday.

Yet to come…

That’s what I keep telling myself [haha quoting from the new BTS song of course]… things can only get better right? I’ve had a horrible year, but it will only get better….

But why am I pausing?

And why do I sigh… while I hesitate to think of the next thing to write?

Whatever happens, I am blessed with great family, great friends, great people in my life. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for the best for my dead zombie hip at the moment… and the double vision struggle is still real at the moment [just got back from eye doctor]

But on the upside… my demon Bengal fur baby keeps me happy on the daily, on the hourly, on the minute, and any second I want comfort for my anxiety…

Every time I ask for a 뽀뽀 [popo] she will kiss me, and she will even meow and want one in return… sweetest thing ever. Lately… for the first time in a long time… i miss being in a relationship… with someone other than a fur baby heh. I know i cut off guys and dating for a few years, but now i feel like maybe my life is lacking…

The other night I had a dream…

It’s funny, because apparently I met my soulmate… and he was perfectly okay with every single imperfection that I had… and wanted to help whichever way he could.

And when I told him I needed time… he was okay with it and said it didn’t matter because he would love me either way. Just wanted to help and be there for me.

I woke up smiling, and also longing for the feeling… I can’t remember the last time my heart fluttered in real life.

K-dramas don’t count, they’re even less reality than dreams when I sleep at night HAHA ;] Just saying…

I woke up today and realized… have I lost the feeling of being loved? And loving back?

The most exhausting day of my life…

Out of all the things I’ve experienced, for some reason today was the one that completely took the life out of me. I’ve dealt with a million horrible things, and yet this was what… not make me lose my will to live, but just made me… just be. I feel like a shell, lifeless… blinking just to know I’m still alive.

My little demon cat is keeping me sane. She can feel the energy though… and hugs me tightly, giving me kisses, staring into my eyes … and making sure I’m OK.

Like her big sister, Didi… she is keeping me alive…

What’s the best way to help with sleep and constant nightmares?

Lately, I have only been able to sleep for 30 min to an hour at a time… and most of them are from loooooooong nightmares. Not even scary ghost ones, but truly realistic real life situation types. I wake up confused, not knowing what I dreamt was real or not and where I am.

The past year I finally re-tried taking melatonin to help with the sleep but I find it helping less and less… yes I may sleep, but what feels like hours, I wake up a mere hour later… tired and distressed. I feel like calming music doesn’t help me anymore either…

I’m lost in my own rabbit hole… except I have no Wonderland.

So it’s been awhile…

If you guys follow me on instagram, you know about my past year, difficulties with health and also how, after 2.5 years, went on a trip to Taiwan… on April 1st [haha]…

Lots of things happened and a lot did… if you don’t know, I left America, where the pandemic is dying down, to go to Taiwan, which previously was worldwide pride of keeping counts down, was going so so so high. Given my immune system and everyone scared of everyone, I ate out twice… was quarantined for almost a month when I first got there… [ok 11 days in hotel, 7 days in the apt]… and got a haircut and shopped once. Most of the time I go massage treatments and just hung out at home watching crappy china horror movies [don’t judge].

Nevertheless it WAS nice being in a different environment, and I ate VERY well, pretty much everything I set out to eat… but it was home cooked or takeout… quarantine food was excellent, I shall do a post about that sometime…

But the end of the trip… didn’t end well… and funnily enough it all happened on Friday the 13th, go figure. I had nightmares and extreme discomfort for a few days prior… people say I have a sixth sense. Whatever it was, I knew something wasn’t gonna go well…

And it didn’t… but thankfully I’m back in America with my demon cat baby, who just turned 1 on the day of my arrival, May 20! So all seems to be pretty positive. Most of the time. Even my broken shoulder is miraculously working almost 100% [my PT is proud]

And now here I am 2:38AM, took a long hot shower, wearing a face mask and awaiting another week of doctors, dentists, PT, therapy… and while I got used to it… the past few days I’ve been feeling really really down….

I think I might clean. Anyone do that? Negative thoughts = cleaning or sleeping … hahaha… we’ll see what I end up doing, just wanted to post a little random thoughts from my mind…

Xoxo

Back to you….

I just don’t get it… why are people just liars and cheaters and fakes.  I am so sick of it.  People are so freaking selfish and I can’t stand it.  And I don’t know why I always forgive them and go back to them……………..  maybe I’m just that much broken.

Why do people say “sorry” when they don’t even mean it?  And why do people still fall for it?  It’s a never ending circle, it’s saddening, heartbreaking and yet inevitable and it just happens over and over again.  When will the cycle end?  For the lucky ones, it doesn’t happen, or it happens once or twice.  But for people like me, I shouldn’t have picked up that penny the wrong side up, it’s the story of my life.

At times, I just don’t know how to feel anymore.  Numb, I’ve said before, just numb.

I accept all of my problems and disorders and “crazy” that I have… and I feel like everyone in my life does too… well mostly… the true ones.  The ones who love me and accept me for who I am.

“I love it, I hate it…”  Guess I’m just a masochistic. LOL.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve got a Jet Black Heart.

[Bebe Rexha:]
I know you say you know me, know me well
But these days I don’t even know myself, no
I always thought I’d be with someone else
I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

I call you but you never even answer
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you

[Louis Tomlinson:]
I know my friends they give me bad advice
Like move on, get you out my mind
But don’t you think I haven’t even tried
You got me cornered and my hands are tied

[Louis Tomlinson & Bebe Rexha:]
You got me so addicted to the drama
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

[Louis Tomlinson:]
Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you

And I guess you’ll never know
All the bullshit that you put me through
And I guess you’ll never know, no

[Bebe Rexha & Louis Tomlinson:]
Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder
You can be the pill to ease the pain
‘Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama
Baby, here we go again

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you
Back to you
I just keep on coming back to you

positivity

taylorswift-1989polaroid-49

To all the shade and negativity being thrown my way lately, I just gotta say: I’m gonna shake it off.  Cuz haters gonna hate, but I’m still fabulous just the way I am.

It’s coming…

Once again another birthday is coming on upon me.  I used to go crazy and throw extravagant parties where I would get super dressed up, buy expensive outfits, go to fancy dinners and have crazy club/lounge parties.  Yes, one of them was at a circus-themed club.

As the years have passed, my parties have calmed down and been more casual, to the point where I just stopped and decided to spend my day relaxing.  Vegas with the girls became Maine with my dog. [I guess it’s still going somewhere with one of my “bitches” right? Hahaha…ok I found it funny in my head]

Lately, I’ve lost a lot of faith in friendship with friends, but I’ve also found out how strong some of my true friendships are.

I’ve gone through a lot in the past year and a half, tons of transitions, but in all of that I have been finding myself.  I spent a whole day crying the other day because I was so mad… not at realizing my friend wasn’t really my friend, but that I do so much for people and I never ask for anything back – and I get nothing back.  I realized I had to rethink who to trust, who to love, who to still talk to and who to just give up on.

I try too hard.

Thank you to everyone who was there for me to help me through that situation.

One of my friends, who usually isn’t usually into this emotional hoodoo voodoo stuff said to me “Tiffie, dear, it shouldn’t matter why you’re upset, the fact that you ARE upset is ALL that should matter to a true friend”  And it hit me. it’s true.  I was upset, and hit with reasons why I shouldn’t be upset because I was a worse person.  The whole conversation had nothing to do with who was a bad friend but that’s what it became.

I had written a whole blog post about it, but I’m not that person anymore to rant about that sort of stuff on here anymore.

The whole point of this post is that I’m not the same person I used to be.  Happy silly party girl.  I admit it, it’s sort of disgusting to look back on.  Even a few years ago I was buying designer bags and heels and dressing up every single day… now you’re lucky if you can get me to brush my hair, put on any makeup and wear contacts – HAHA!  Gross, I know… but I like to think of it being me comfortable with ME being ME.

And back to the whole friend thing up above… bye to the negativity in my life.  I keep the good, I don’t care about the bad.

Yup, still gonna say something. Ball is is her court for her to show what kind of person she is.

*Drops the mic*

PS. Arrow and The Flash are the best shows ever. Baby Driver is the best movie I’ve seen in forever.

The end.

What makes you “normal”?

One of my best friends asked me “What is normal?” the other day when I said that I wasn’t “normal”.  I told him that being normal was weird, because what is normal? WHAT IS NORMAL?

I’m not normal, I don’t think I ever have been.  For a brief moment in my life I wanted to be… seriously, it’s hilarious.  I wanted to be a cheerleader and “popular” and date the cutest guy in school.  But I was far from it.  I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast, I couldn’t dress, I was super awkward, but I was me.

I was the girl who begged my mom to go to a school dance and when I finally got to go to one, everyone had someone to dance with except me…  no one would touch me with a ten foot pole.  Totally scarring as a pre-teen, totally glad I didn’t dance with any of those gross guys now.

But, look at me now.  My past made me strong.  And my own mind kept my strength up.

My mother asked me today why I look so unhappy all the time lately… I was playing some game on my phone… I told her, I had a “sadness”.  She asked me, “What right do YOU have to have a sadness inside you?”  I didn’t answer her.  I don’t need to.  I don’t need to answer to anyone why I have this sadness in me… It’s been in me since I can remember.  I have a sadness but also a light; Which is why I still live on, strong, with hope and optimism.

There’s a sadness that has always been there, but I blame no one for it but myself for letting it linger.  I want no pity, no worry, no “special care” for it.  I know what’s wrong with me, that’s why I’m okay with who I am and why I can handle myself and take care of myself.

I am a stronger woman because of this.  And just because I have sadness that overcomes and consumes within me doesn’t mean I don’t have happiness that keeps me continuing on in life.

ps. I look cute today.

img_4433

Yay to 5 Seconds of Summer tank top, Harry Styles necklace and Liam Payne makeup.  I just tried the eyeshadows and lipgloss but it was fun.  Someone needs to teach me how to do makeup because I’m lazy AF about it and I know nothing about contouring.  Amanda,  you makeup guru, help me!