And so I sit here…

It’s 3:02AM EST time and I’m sitting here watching tv marathons and movies on iTunes and Netflix.  I just finished off a bowl of homemade nachos and guacamole and I’m about to go warm up some more spicy pulled pork I made earlier.  Has this become my life?  This could be the wine talking, or the wandering mind thinking… but this is definitely not where I thought I would be… a year ago, two, three, five, ten? What has happened?

It’s funny how things work. Weight gain made me sad. But I gained weight cuz I’ve been happy. But the weight gain makes me not want to move… so while I eat less, I move less. I’m still not happy with my body. But that could just be my eating disorder talking.  Always in recovery, never fully recovered.

You guys have been with me through so many ups and downs and yet you remain loyal.  So much gratitude.  Love, lust, heartbreaks. Breakdowns and highs. Parties and mournings.

The past year I have been basically mostly living in Taiwan and I’ve forgotten my love for cooking, almost.  I stopped caring a lot about things I used to be so passionate about and I have no real explanation for it… but it’s recently sparked up again.

I cooked duck the other day. And today I had a pulled pork burrito/taco night with pomegranate guacamole, spicy mango pico de gallo with roasted garlic and corn and an extremely spicy salsa verde… along with some yummy gooey blue corn chip nachos.  I started to feel alive again.  I started a cooking idea journal/notebook again…. mainly b/c I was planning to cook for C on his birthday… and while things got in the way, I still got MAD IDEAS to play on.

SO…. I have ideas of doing supper parties.  [And have talked with a chef friend or two about doing pop ups] – I want to, once I move out, host supper/dinner parties, first once a month, and then possibly once a week.  People can BYOB and tell me their diets…. or just leave it up to me.  Hopefully soon after team, up with chefs and cool wine people.

I have so many ambitions and ideas… I want to write, I want to travel, I want to cook, I want to go back to school…. and I want to film it all. I have a secret thing about wanting to be in front of a camera.

So maybe this is how this blog is evolving.  It went from food diary to healthy eating and recipes to eating out and traveling extravagantly …. and then just personal…. me finding my inner peace…. healing and now this.  My lifestyle. Ever evolving.

This blog is now: Finding the real Miss Tiffie.

Please join me in my journey.

Moonlight Sonata – Beethoven

I’ve been obsessed with this song lately… and it’s probably gonna make me go back to playing the piano again…. which has been a few years that I’ve played magic with the keys.  I recently told a close friend that this is the perfect song of beauty and tragedy… when I die, I want to die to this song.  It makes my heart soar and wilt at the same time.  Is that possible?  I don’t think he understood and just felt I was being morbid.  “Fuck tragedy” and “I’ll probably never see you again” was what he said.  It burns. I’ve been going through a lot right now… and one of my closest and dearest,who knows what has been going on with me, says that to me?  Fuel to the fire.

I find the saddest music the most beautiful in the world?  Is that wrong of me?  Finding beauty in sorrow… I think that’s when truth comes out.  When you can show your sorrow to the world… and it’s transformed to this whole new creation of feelings.  It understands my pain, all the hurt built up inside of me and just makes it the most gorgeous thing.  This is not a suicide note, there is more to my life than just this.

….I just need a moment.

盂蘭節 aka Ghost Month aka 鬼節

This month is ghost month… and while it’s August, it’s lunar year, seventh month and called 盂蘭節…

Basically:

The Ghost Festival, also known as the Hungry Ghost Festival in modern day, Zhong Yuan Jie or Yu Lan Jie (traditional Chinese: 盂蘭節) is a traditional Buddhist and Taoist festival held in Asian countries. In theChinese calendar (a lunisolar calendar), the Ghost Festival is on the 15th night of the seventh month (14th in southern China).

In Chinese culture, the fifteenth day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar is calledGhost Day and the seventh month in general is regarded as the Ghost Month (鬼月), in which ghosts and spirits, including those of the deceased ancestors, come out from thelower realm. Distinct from both the Qingming Festival (in spring) and Double Ninth Festival(in autumn) in which living descendants pay homage to their deceased ancestors, during Ghost Festival, the deceased are believed to visit the living.

On the fifteenth day the realms of Heaven and Hell and the realm of the living are open and both Taoists and Buddhists would perform rituals to transmute and absolve the sufferings of the deceased. Intrinsic to the Ghost Month is veneration of the dead, where traditionally the filial piety of descendants extends to their ancestors even after their deaths. Activities during the month would include preparing ritualistic food offerings, burning incense, and burning joss paper, a papier-mâché form of material items such as clothes, gold and other fine goods for the visiting spirits of the ancestors. Elaborate meals (often vegetarian meals) would be served with empty seats for each of the deceased in the family treating the deceased as if they are still living. Ancestor worship is what distinguishes Qingming Festival from Ghost Festival because the latter includes paying respects to all deceased, including the same and younger generations, while the former only includes older generations. Other festivities may include, buying and releasing miniature paper boats and lanterns on water, which signifies giving directions to the lost ghosts and spirits of the ancestors and other deities.

Taiwanese traditions:

Traditionally, it is believed that ghosts haunt the island of Taiwan for the entire seventh lunar month, when the mid-summer Ghost Festival is held.[6] The month is known as Ghost Month.[7] The first day of the month is marked by opening the gate of a temple, symbolizing the gates of hell. On the twelfth day, lamps on the main altar are lit. On the thirteenth day, a procession of lanterns is held. On the fourteenth day, a parade is held for releasing water lanterns. Incense and food are offered to the spirits to avoid them visiting homes and spirit paper money is also burnt as an offering.[8] During the month, people avoid surgery, buying cars, swimming, and going out after dark. It is also important that addresses are not revealed to the ghosts

Wikipedia

Some of the Taboos:

  1. Do not stroll at night.
  2. Do not swim. It is said that drowned evil ghosts might try to drown people in order to find victims for them to rebirth.
  3. As the month is considered to be inauspicious, do not move to a new house, start new businesses or marry.
  4. Do not hang clothes outside at night.
  5. Do not pick up coins or money found on the street and if one does, never bring any home.
  6. Do not step on or kick the offerings by the roadside. If someone were to step on any offerings by accident, he or she should apologize aloud to ameliorate the situation
  7. Do not wear red because ghosts are attracted to red.
  8. Don’t sing and whistle as these may attract ghosts.
  9. Keep away from the walls as it is believed that ghosts like sticking to walls.
  10. If someone is born during the ghost month, avoid celebrating his or her birthday at night. It is better to celebrate during the daytime.
  11. Do not go out at 12 midnight as the ghost may approach you for food and other offerings for them.
  12. Do not open umbrellas in the house. It may attract spirits
  13. Do not take selfies or take videos. Ghost may appear in it. You may never know
  14. Do not sleep facing the mirror or something reflective. It guides the ghosts.

I have not really been caring about these things until my recent gifts that I have been blessed with.  My teacher has told me that people who have the blessing of talking to spirits and angels and all that communication have a hard time during this month.  The death and the ghosts and the evil can sense what I have and cling onto it.  The problem is, during this month, cleansing and healing are not allowed.  So I’m struggling.

I have been feeling drained, completely to the point of emptiness.  And I’m starving but when I eat I want to puke.  Everything has been feeling so negative to the point where I am just giving up and wanting to sleep 24/7.  My sleep is not even well.. it’s riddled with nightmares and I don’t move from my position for hours on end and have to willfully force myself to get up everyday with the little energy I have.  I feel disoriented, confused, out of focus and just…. empty.  That’s the best way to describe it.  Empty… and it’s worst at night.

This is affecting my work, my family life, and just me in general.  I can get a full night’s rest and still feel like I haven’t slept in days. It’s taking a toll on me and I’m wondering now if I have been blessed or cursed with my new found gift.  It’s scary… I was doing so well before and suddenly I just feel like a darkness has grabbed a hold of me and I can’t shake it away.  I keep telling it to leave me but I just feel so lost and spiraling down a deep dark whole.  Meditation.  Speaking to my angels.  Cards.  Nothing has helped.  I’m subduing my pain and lack thereof in any way that I can think of and it’s not helping.

I feel lost. I need Archangel Michael by my side to guide me through my fear and pain.

This is the first time ghost month has affected me.  Tonight I will leave an offering outside of my door…. and pray that they will leave me alone.  I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m desperate.

Just Believe…

It is so nice to be acknowledged of my growing skills.  Ever since learning I had a gift, my life has improved so much.  My close friends and family also see it within me, as has my teacher.  I’m praying more, meditating more, work has gone better than ever for me.  My health is doing better, my belief and my positivity has grown.

Before I had a kind heart, but a hurt one, a broken one and it took growing my gift to truly heal it.  Before I could smile on the outside but would be crying on the inside… but not I smile from within, and I can feel the warmth and the glow.

Today I did a reading for my dad, he was a bit reluctant at first but then he caved in.  He asked me questions only he had answers to and I answered them all correctly.  He now believes.  I also asked to heal a body part of his and prayed for Archangel Raphael, one who heals the body and health, to come to his side and to help him.  After the reading I was stunned that not only was, the usual Gabriel and Michael by my side but so was Raphael.  He had come to me when I called for him.

The more you believe.  The more you learn.  The more I open up my heart and my mind to the angels and the spirits I let them speak to me, talk to me, through me and the more I can help myself and others.

This card, also related to Arielle’s.  I am so glad that the angels are telling me that I have a gift.  I have only tried communication with the departed for a little while, but I also feel like “departed” loves ones also mean those who are not waling on earth, meaning all spiritual things around me.

There have been a few challenges that have come up but I have been strong and have been trying to beat through them.  It’s tiresome, hurtful and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that I shouldn’t and deep down I don’t.  I was told, only I can help and make this work… to help heal a wounded soul is difficult.  But it’s a challenge I am willing to take on.

Oh ho ho. New people in my life, eh?  Today I did a tarot reading, a new way, with my teacher and my card came out as Lovers.  Will this be the year that I find “The One” and not the oh constantly “Wrong One”? Haha.  We shall see, but this card makes me smile.

But like I always say, it’ll come to you.  Yo don’t need to seek it out.  But I am always open to new, good, people in my life.

XOXO

Not my typical Sunday

I had an amazing day… I woke up at 730am to get ready for my RPI Alumni meets new students brunch all the way in Medford.  Being the lazy person that I am, and a sleep-in-aholic, I almost didn’t go… but I read a few cards and they all said that today was going to be good.  And it was good.  In fact, it was great.  It started a bit rough, I had some personal issues I’m STILL dealing with (ugh!) but after a bit of this and that, I got over it and had a great time at the brunch!

This is all I got to say:

The event was so much fun!  All the alumni got to introduce themselves and have a little speech about what they did and advice for the new frosh coming in.  I was the only non-engineer and was kooky and, I feel, the most truthful about the whole situation.  I just told them to have fun, enjoy themselves…  don’t feel forced to join anything and just attend all the events that you want to, but DO attend events.

Talked to a lot of recent grads, a lot of future frosh and their parents, it was a really great time!  In fact, I was the first person to win from the raffle! WOOT!  I also had a LOT of sugar and coffee….. I’m totally going to be attending a lot more of these alumni events from now on.  Everyone was super nice and fun to talk to.  Tons of swag, food and beverages too.  I felt like I should’ve tossed in a 20$ or something.

Afterwards, after planning on a movie, eating and tattoos…. it ended up just being a nice relaxing day on a couch with mimosas and tequila and marathoning Penny Dreadful, eating real food…. but, my fault for choosing Greek, “OK” gyro plates….[DIY meh gyros, meh.. pitas broke apart, chicken was dry, but the veg was fresh and the tzatziki sauce was on point] and just being happy me, with company of course :]

Penny Dreadful is SUCH an amazing show.  We marathon’d a whole season and then some.  And every character is just so intriguing!  It’s amazing.. it’s like watching a neverending horror movie with a perfectly casted cast. << haha.

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And so then now what?

Today is the first day of my Birthday month…. there will be dinners, parties, more time with my own Mr. Gray, travel to NC to see my Amanda, traveling…. and just being happy.  And hopefully no more of that outside negativity in my life. How does one stay so obsessive to the point of crazy?  Thankfully it doesn’t affect my life and who I am, I just don’t care [re-watch Demi video above]

And that said, I’m going to bed, goodnight my loves. XOXO.

 

Thursday, July 27 2016… All is well… I’m on the right path 

I’ve never had Archangel Metatron as one of the angels that I counted on [I think Supernatural might have been an influence haha]  But I do need to clean my chakras lately since a lot of negativity has been TRYING to influence me.  They haven’t, but they have latched up onto me.

It feels good to feel safe.  Worrying can take over someone’s life and change them completely…  I have recently taken upon a lot of new ventures in jobs and opportunities which may get crazy busy, but I absolutely love it.

Oh my Angel Gabrielle…. always there for me.  I don’t have much more to say than yes, I have my insecurities… I am scared sometimes and I have my doubts, but I know that I can trust on my angels, and especially my guardian angel, to help me out.

This just reinforces the fact that me taking on all of these new ventures was a great thing for me.  I just had a long day of work…. and just finished up some work on Blue Lotus.  I am extremely excited and I just have so many ideas and things I wanna do for the company!

I have not been afraid to express what I want for us and my lovely partner is so great to taking it in and accepting my advice and help.  This is the best partnership to happen and… seriously?!… We be #ladybosses or is it #bossladies?  Either way… Just doing what I wanna do, cuz I gotta do.  All of it.

#DoYouBlue?

This does happen a lot, and thank you for letting me being aware.  This happens a lot, it’s definitely something one should always think about.  Sometimes your mind can be clouded by the good advice that is right in front of your face.  Whatever it is that you want, go for it.  Don’t just always think about it, truly go for it, and it will come to you.

I know. I am your example. [insert me in a weird photo]

This is my spiritual gifts.  And it has been helping me a lot.  Learning that I have a lot more to me than I ever thought I have is jut an amazing thing.I can get what I want by knowing what I want, going for what I want, and REALLY going for it. Nothing can stop me.  I know it, NOTHING EVER can stop me.  And whoever tries to get in my way, be warned.

Learning all about the readings, healings and opening up to my natural gift has changed my life forever. I am more in touch with my spirituality, I don’t get mad, I might still wanna get even, but the anger has gone…. the hatred has lifted…. those are just petty things to me that are not worth my valuable time on this earth.

When I am upset, I go to my readings, my cards, my bible, my crystals… or I’ll message my teacher/mentor to talk to.  I am so grateful and thankful for my special gifts, it’s something I always felt in touch with since I was a young child, and I’m glad someone finally saw that in me and wanted to teach me how to use my “powers”.

I get what I want.  Because I deserve it.

This is the best card I’ve gotten today… “Look Inside Yourself” this is the first time I’ve used my fairy cards [I think, at least posted about it] and they are spot on.  I always have lived my life for others… and those others never cared for me.  I’ve lost so much time and life on not living just for me.  I am living for me… I’ve been looking inside myself and seeing WHT I want and going straight for it.  I have goals, and you should too.  Don’t forget to trust your gut instinct and don’t forget that YOU are IMPORTANT too, and even more so.

Look inside yourself…. and love yourself.

Sunday, July 24 2016: It’s begun… Changes and a BBQ

Dear Archangel Sandalphon for telling me that “We angels bring you gifts from your Creator.  Open your arms to receive.”  It’s nice to know that positive things are coming my way.  That’s what I think of when I think of getting gifts from angels and God.

The gifts from God and now changes… it all leans towards, to me, a positive future.  These have to do with changes in my life, the people around me, those I keep, those I keep away… and also my choices in life.  Lately, I’ve been stepping out of my boundaries and comfort zones.  I’ve changed so much in so many aspects of my life, it’s actually quite interesting just looking back at everything.  I’m being more social lately, instead of being a hermit (hehe I am) and going to alumni events, social events, work events, all sorts of things…  and it’s just making me so happy.  Work hard, “play” hard – and just me being me. I refuse to let any guy to change me anymore.

A guy from my past is putting my on blast (haha holla at my rhymes) but I refuse to let negativity and bad words, cursing, and obsessive overthinking get to me. Cut. Done. Gone.

I was reminded to Release and Surrender… it’s so strange how my daily card readings are so related.  “We shower you with our blessings of our radiant love.  Open your arms, and release the challenges that you’ve held tightly gripped within your hands.  Open your hands, arms, and heart to our love and assistance.”  I have been very open to everything that has been happening,, will be happening… I’ve definitely let everything go and let everything in.  And always with a positive outlook, or else how do you live your life?  In constant fear?  In constant darkness and negativity?  Open up your mind, challenges and change can mean positiveness.

[My] destiny is to blossom, to shine, to transform to an ever-greater light.

Well thanks.  That’s quite the amazing advice to give me.  I feel like my future is brighter and ever-growing than ever.  I have never felt this bright, in the light, this positive and happy in my life – ever.

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BTW, look at the cuties, aside from Didi, that I got to hang out with this afternoon at my work’s BBQ outing!!!!

And why does Didi look like this?

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She finally learned how to swim today… she swam a few circles in the lake – it was so freaking hot – and she was SOOOOO adorable!!!!… my tiny little cute furbaby

Change. Practice. Progress. Action.

It has been quite a change lately.  Since I have moved back to America, I totally changed… it really hit me, especially with all the drama that came with it afterward.

Change. Change.  Change.  It’s such a great thing, change.  I used to joke about how “I don’t like change” but in fact, I love it.  It was a joke to me because I love tradition, but not BAD “tradition”.  Negativity is a no-no, especially now that I’ve found my own voice.

And now, after spending a month and a half in Taiwan re-finding my spirituality, healing my soul, my past, and learning my new gift… I came back to Boston with so many new things.  Not only do I design, and do readings for people, I am now Co-CEO of Blue Lotus with one of my longest besties!

I am a whole new person, and a very go-go-get it one.

Practice makes Perfect, isn’t that what people always say?  So I’m just working hard at my new ventures.  Not only just job wise but even spirituality.  Do what  you do and do it well… get it done.  Just go for what you want, go for it, go for it, go for it, and you will get to it!

It’s crazy, I got this card again in the past few days… but it’s true.  It’s telling me that my progress is good, but I still have to keep going step by step.  I can’t rush it at all.

Honestly it was really crazy that these cards kept talking to me today.  And they are all related.  I just know, I need to know what I want and go for it, head on.  Slow and steady, we will always reach our goals!…. YES GOALS!  Don’t ever just have one goal in life, have many…. constantly…. and always go for them…. and even when you reach one, add another goal.  Or else, what is the point in life?

I dated a guy before, and he told me that he was content where he was.  No goals, told me I’d always be the breadwinner.  REALLY? Ultimately, I broke up with him on our anniversary.  Always have goals, always reach to be better, always DO BETTER!  You are great, but there is always a better you, even the Dalai Lama can improve.  And I’m sure, if questioned, he would say it too.

I hate drama and it does hurt my confidence.  I am blessed to be constantly surrounded by people who live by amazing honest lives.  Maturity.  Honesty.  Selflessness.  They remind me that people can be good and gracious… loving, caring, even despite all of the disasters in my life.  I forgive.  I strive to be one just like them…

I need to be me.  I am me.  Love me for me.  Accept who I am.  Because I do.

This is a secret joke between my “teacher/mentor” and I.  She had a student who always spent too much money when they got this card.  We had a chuckle.  Thanks, Archangel Metatron for reminded me of my love for children [and possibly spending too much money? FYI, I didn’t spend a cent today LOL] I say this has a lot to do with me and my furbaby Didi today.  We had a lot of time together today.  I love her, just like I would love all my babies.  Just like I adore all children.

OK it’s not midnight yet, hopefully I don’t buy anything online, HAHAHAHAHA.

XOXO

ps. I’m so hungry :[

Slowly and steady wins the race.

Today I picked the Clairsentience card.  Archangel Raguel said to me to “Notice your recurring physical and emotional feelings, as they signify Divine guidance.”  It makes made me super aware of my surroundings, things I constantly do over and over again, feelings and emotions, and also the actions of those around me and how it affected me.

It was important to constantly be aware of what’s around you at all times and what is going on.  Staying away from the negative will keep you in positivity – and never forget that you are constantly being watched over and guided spiritually.

Over a month ago, I was so full of negativity energy I couldn’t see clearly.  I was in such a bad place in my life and even took on everyone else close in my life’s negative energy, despite the outside smiles I was breaking inside and weighed down, but once I purged all of it out of my life – I literally feel lighter.  I was just so much more positive and happy in my life.

Slowly and steady wins the race.  I feel like my trip to Taiwan has really let me grow, change a lot, for the better.  I’m so much stronger of a person now and while I’m still on this journey since I’ve been back, I’m going in the right direction.

Step by step. Inch by inch.  No matter the crawl…. the more you go forward the farther you get in life.

Sorry I had to. Love you guys <3 NKOTB

Dear Heart,

What are you trying to tell me?  You’re telling me that everything is gonna be okay.  What am I not getting at and seeing?  You’ve been stabbed, manipulated, torn apart, hurt, broken, in love, in pain, everything…. and yet you still keep secrets from me.  Teach me, please, teach me how to listen to what you have to say to me.  I’ve already learned so much from my past, but there is always more things to learn.

Sometimes everyone needs to take a step back and ask themselves what their heart is saying to them and figure out what they truly want.  The truth is there, the future is there.  It will never change, but one sees only what they want to see, but you need to learn how to see what is truly there.

“Love actually is all around” – Love Actually

That’s something we need to learn.  But love can hurt, and it can be happiness. That’s also something we need to learn.  To truly love is to have lost… to be loved and to love others, you need to first fully love yourself.

“Notice how the moon affects your energy and manifestations, and capitalize upon these cycles.”

Things are ever changing… and yet somethings are like Groundhogs Day over and over again. Déjà vu over and over. Today was a great day, Archangel Haniel, thank you for bringing me this.  I have noticed how things I do affect my life in certain ways and it keeps happening over and over again.  There are the negative things and then the positive and I am staying focused on the positive part.

So here I am…. realizing the things in my life that are going on…. and I will continue, conquer and live my life and be happy.

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Before I forget I just want to mention something I saw today…. I pray that this forest fire that was on Mass Pike didn’t do more harm than what I already saw.  The pics do no justice it covered a pretty big chunk by the highway – I’m guessing from the extreme heat (95+) and as we slowly passed it the flames just got bigger and bigger.  Strangely, I saw NO cops, NO fire engines, NADA!  What?  And I saw NO news about it tonight while checking on my phone.  So weird.  Hope the damage wasn’t too bad.

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And now for a little fun.  Because who wants to end a blog post with something scary and negative, right?

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I had a very mother/daughter bonding session today.  With not only my own mother and I, but Didi and I as well.  Pets make people happier, live longer, stay healthier…. you laugh more.  They’re just your own little babies – forever.  And I love my little furbaby.  It’s funny because I have been considering getting some more cats/puppies to give Didi some company.  That or do more work at the shelter I work at.

I was gonna go to a “YappyHour” – get it? GET IT? ^_____^ in town today but it was way too hot for an outdoor event and Didi would totally get sick from the heat.  I drove by the event and saw that it was practically empty. Hello!!!??? Excessive heat caused a forest fire today!  I hope they reschedule because it sounds like fun and great to meet new people.

And remember people…. adopt a rescue animal!  There are tons in need of homes because of many situations, a lot of them bad, so please, open up your heart – it’s a win-win situation!

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Didi and I on our walk in her new stroller… and me catching Pokémon! Hahahahahaha…. WE GOT TO CATCH THEM ALL!!!!!

XOXO

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