I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

And so I sit here…

It’s 3:02AM EST time and I’m sitting here watching tv marathons and movies on iTunes and Netflix.  I just finished off a bowl of homemade nachos and guacamole and I’m about to go warm up some more spicy pulled pork I made earlier.  Has this become my life?  This could be the wine talking, or the wandering mind thinking… but this is definitely not where I thought I would be… a year ago, two, three, five, ten? What has happened?

It’s funny how things work. Weight gain made me sad. But I gained weight cuz I’ve been happy. But the weight gain makes me not want to move… so while I eat less, I move less. I’m still not happy with my body. But that could just be my eating disorder talking.  Always in recovery, never fully recovered.

You guys have been with me through so many ups and downs and yet you remain loyal.  So much gratitude.  Love, lust, heartbreaks. Breakdowns and highs. Parties and mournings.

The past year I have been basically mostly living in Taiwan and I’ve forgotten my love for cooking, almost.  I stopped caring a lot about things I used to be so passionate about and I have no real explanation for it… but it’s recently sparked up again.

I cooked duck the other day. And today I had a pulled pork burrito/taco night with pomegranate guacamole, spicy mango pico de gallo with roasted garlic and corn and an extremely spicy salsa verde… along with some yummy gooey blue corn chip nachos.  I started to feel alive again.  I started a cooking idea journal/notebook again…. mainly b/c I was planning to cook for C on his birthday… and while things got in the way, I still got MAD IDEAS to play on.

SO…. I have ideas of doing supper parties.  [And have talked with a chef friend or two about doing pop ups] – I want to, once I move out, host supper/dinner parties, first once a month, and then possibly once a week.  People can BYOB and tell me their diets…. or just leave it up to me.  Hopefully soon after team, up with chefs and cool wine people.

I have so many ambitions and ideas… I want to write, I want to travel, I want to cook, I want to go back to school…. and I want to film it all. I have a secret thing about wanting to be in front of a camera.

So maybe this is how this blog is evolving.  It went from food diary to healthy eating and recipes to eating out and traveling extravagantly …. and then just personal…. me finding my inner peace…. healing and now this.  My lifestyle. Ever evolving.

This blog is now: Finding the real Miss Tiffie.

Please join me in my journey.

盂蘭節 aka Ghost Month aka 鬼節

This month is ghost month… and while it’s August, it’s lunar year, seventh month and called 盂蘭節…

Basically:

The Ghost Festival, also known as the Hungry Ghost Festival in modern day, Zhong Yuan Jie or Yu Lan Jie (traditional Chinese: 盂蘭節) is a traditional Buddhist and Taoist festival held in Asian countries. In theChinese calendar (a lunisolar calendar), the Ghost Festival is on the 15th night of the seventh month (14th in southern China).

In Chinese culture, the fifteenth day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar is calledGhost Day and the seventh month in general is regarded as the Ghost Month (鬼月), in which ghosts and spirits, including those of the deceased ancestors, come out from thelower realm. Distinct from both the Qingming Festival (in spring) and Double Ninth Festival(in autumn) in which living descendants pay homage to their deceased ancestors, during Ghost Festival, the deceased are believed to visit the living.

On the fifteenth day the realms of Heaven and Hell and the realm of the living are open and both Taoists and Buddhists would perform rituals to transmute and absolve the sufferings of the deceased. Intrinsic to the Ghost Month is veneration of the dead, where traditionally the filial piety of descendants extends to their ancestors even after their deaths. Activities during the month would include preparing ritualistic food offerings, burning incense, and burning joss paper, a papier-mâché form of material items such as clothes, gold and other fine goods for the visiting spirits of the ancestors. Elaborate meals (often vegetarian meals) would be served with empty seats for each of the deceased in the family treating the deceased as if they are still living. Ancestor worship is what distinguishes Qingming Festival from Ghost Festival because the latter includes paying respects to all deceased, including the same and younger generations, while the former only includes older generations. Other festivities may include, buying and releasing miniature paper boats and lanterns on water, which signifies giving directions to the lost ghosts and spirits of the ancestors and other deities.

Taiwanese traditions:

Traditionally, it is believed that ghosts haunt the island of Taiwan for the entire seventh lunar month, when the mid-summer Ghost Festival is held.[6] The month is known as Ghost Month.[7] The first day of the month is marked by opening the gate of a temple, symbolizing the gates of hell. On the twelfth day, lamps on the main altar are lit. On the thirteenth day, a procession of lanterns is held. On the fourteenth day, a parade is held for releasing water lanterns. Incense and food are offered to the spirits to avoid them visiting homes and spirit paper money is also burnt as an offering.[8] During the month, people avoid surgery, buying cars, swimming, and going out after dark. It is also important that addresses are not revealed to the ghosts

Wikipedia

Some of the Taboos:

  1. Do not stroll at night.
  2. Do not swim. It is said that drowned evil ghosts might try to drown people in order to find victims for them to rebirth.
  3. As the month is considered to be inauspicious, do not move to a new house, start new businesses or marry.
  4. Do not hang clothes outside at night.
  5. Do not pick up coins or money found on the street and if one does, never bring any home.
  6. Do not step on or kick the offerings by the roadside. If someone were to step on any offerings by accident, he or she should apologize aloud to ameliorate the situation
  7. Do not wear red because ghosts are attracted to red.
  8. Don’t sing and whistle as these may attract ghosts.
  9. Keep away from the walls as it is believed that ghosts like sticking to walls.
  10. If someone is born during the ghost month, avoid celebrating his or her birthday at night. It is better to celebrate during the daytime.
  11. Do not go out at 12 midnight as the ghost may approach you for food and other offerings for them.
  12. Do not open umbrellas in the house. It may attract spirits
  13. Do not take selfies or take videos. Ghost may appear in it. You may never know
  14. Do not sleep facing the mirror or something reflective. It guides the ghosts.

I have not really been caring about these things until my recent gifts that I have been blessed with.  My teacher has told me that people who have the blessing of talking to spirits and angels and all that communication have a hard time during this month.  The death and the ghosts and the evil can sense what I have and cling onto it.  The problem is, during this month, cleansing and healing are not allowed.  So I’m struggling.

I have been feeling drained, completely to the point of emptiness.  And I’m starving but when I eat I want to puke.  Everything has been feeling so negative to the point where I am just giving up and wanting to sleep 24/7.  My sleep is not even well.. it’s riddled with nightmares and I don’t move from my position for hours on end and have to willfully force myself to get up everyday with the little energy I have.  I feel disoriented, confused, out of focus and just…. empty.  That’s the best way to describe it.  Empty… and it’s worst at night.

This is affecting my work, my family life, and just me in general.  I can get a full night’s rest and still feel like I haven’t slept in days. It’s taking a toll on me and I’m wondering now if I have been blessed or cursed with my new found gift.  It’s scary… I was doing so well before and suddenly I just feel like a darkness has grabbed a hold of me and I can’t shake it away.  I keep telling it to leave me but I just feel so lost and spiraling down a deep dark whole.  Meditation.  Speaking to my angels.  Cards.  Nothing has helped.  I’m subduing my pain and lack thereof in any way that I can think of and it’s not helping.

I feel lost. I need Archangel Michael by my side to guide me through my fear and pain.

This is the first time ghost month has affected me.  Tonight I will leave an offering outside of my door…. and pray that they will leave me alone.  I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m desperate.

Fairy Tales don’t always have happy endings….

How does one start a story…

And why does anyone have to end one?

Today, I had a delicious al dente [perfectly so] spaghetti dish with tons of mushrooms and truffle [but not overly so as if they had to compensate for something – plus I saw black spots, so it seemed real] and some broccoli [I got them greens in! LOL] Just this cute little cafe, Sugar Cafe, across the street from my – soon to be not-apartment.

I had a heart to heart to one of my close relatives and we talked about a lot. I opened up a lot. I don’t usually do that, my secrets, my horrors, my pains, I like to keep to my own.

I thought that moving to Taiwan would’ve been my re-birth, but it turns out… leaving Taiwan is my true “phoenix moment”

I feel like I’m in some weird reality tv show that isn’t being filmed – but should be. And yet so much I don’t want anyone to know because it is my own private story.  All I can say, is that, things happened which ached hearts and broke trust.  It’s easy to say, but hard to realize.  And while I pray, I’ve prayed so hard, more than I have in the past few years… I have learned to accept it.

So now what? How do I end this story? Tears have been constantly streaming down my face… but I’m accepting it. I AM ACCEPTING IT. This is life. THIS IS LIFE. This is my life. And heart broken more than it ever has been… but I can’t fight anymore.  I thought I was strong but my strength has been used up …. What will be is what will be.

Thank you to my loves for all the support, motivation and love.

My soon-to-be-not-apartment smells like delicious curry that my love made today.  I’m sure I’ll be chewing on that and packing in the morning.  He’s an amazing cook.

And that’s how the post is gonna end. Without a real ending… there is no real ending, there is only the future.

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Feeling down…..

I don’t know why my mood changed so dramatically….. yesterday was such a much needed relaxing beach day…


Not sure why I brought so many towels. Note the Austin Mahone one hahaha.

The water was cold but not so bad as last year.  I can’t believe it’s the end of July and I finally just got in my first beach day!!!! I got a nice pre-game tan for more beach sessions to come.. L & I are #beachbuddies4life haha.

Stayed til the beach almost closed (at 8).. the sky was so beautiful, the beach wasn’t crowded anymore and it was SO relaxing. All my worries and stress had gone away…

…but today is already going more and more downhill.  I have anxiety, I’ve been insulted, I feel ignored, hurt and just in a low point.  There are so many things I can’t get my mind off of…. (-_-メ) Don’t we just all want to figure out the answers to life?  And I hate how things can get so twisted and people can get so stubborn and not listen. I need to do some work and then find something to do to make me smile to get my mind off of things.

Oh and if you haven’t been notified yet I recently joined Periscope if you follow my twitter it’ll automatically tell you when I’m on it.  Funny stuff.  Thanks to everyone who was on it watching and talking to me yesterday at the beach… I think it got up to  3 or 4 hundred viewers at some point :] Hahaha. Hoping to incorporate it into my new website expansive project I’m currently working on (more on that later)

Welps, off to conquer the world and hopefully I’ll get some good news or conversation that’ll put a smile on my face today.