I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

Fairy Tales don’t always have happy endings….

How does one start a story…

And why does anyone have to end one?

Today, I had a delicious al dente [perfectly so] spaghetti dish with tons of mushrooms and truffle [but not overly so as if they had to compensate for something – plus I saw black spots, so it seemed real] and some broccoli [I got them greens in! LOL] Just this cute little cafe, Sugar Cafe, across the street from my – soon to be not-apartment.

I had a heart to heart to one of my close relatives and we talked about a lot. I opened up a lot. I don’t usually do that, my secrets, my horrors, my pains, I like to keep to my own.

I thought that moving to Taiwan would’ve been my re-birth, but it turns out… leaving Taiwan is my true “phoenix moment”

I feel like I’m in some weird reality tv show that isn’t being filmed – but should be. And yet so much I don’t want anyone to know because it is my own private story.  All I can say, is that, things happened which ached hearts and broke trust.  It’s easy to say, but hard to realize.  And while I pray, I’ve prayed so hard, more than I have in the past few years… I have learned to accept it.

So now what? How do I end this story? Tears have been constantly streaming down my face… but I’m accepting it. I AM ACCEPTING IT. This is life. THIS IS LIFE. This is my life. And heart broken more than it ever has been… but I can’t fight anymore.  I thought I was strong but my strength has been used up …. What will be is what will be.

Thank you to my loves for all the support, motivation and love.

My soon-to-be-not-apartment smells like delicious curry that my love made today.  I’m sure I’ll be chewing on that and packing in the morning.  He’s an amazing cook.

And that’s how the post is gonna end. Without a real ending… there is no real ending, there is only the future.

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Happy Vday: Testing Love

Recently I’ve been tested on the test of love.

It was hard.

There were tears.

There was heartbreak.

There was also hurt that I’ve never felt before.

And yet, we rose above it.  And after telling each other to give each other a few days, it took less than that to know that we wanted, needed, had to be together.

We talked. We made up. We promised to communicate more and fix and that’s how life and all sorts of relationships work.  Not just in love.

Happy Valentines Day from Taiwan…. instead of the usual…. we stayed in bed til dinner time and then we had super spicy, potent, Indian food… walked around in the cold rain…. went to a “speakeasy” and went home…. all while wearing “he & she” shirts I bought last night at Shilin Market.

We definitely love each other….

True love…. right?!

Ok, he’s asleep… and all I wanna do is just cuddle him instead of this bottle of wine cuz I’m so wide awake AF…. ARGH LOL….