Toothpaste

I only dated this guy for a few months, but I remember our first fight, which ultimately could have possible led to our demise, led by me of course.

Fairly quickly into the relationship, one day, he picked a fight with me, asking how I was raised and brought up and why I wouldn’t put the cap back onto the toothpaste after using it. When I went back home and was upset about the fight, even my mom scolded me about it.

Nothing much to say about this since this was just the tip of the iceberg that quickly led to our demise of a relationship.

But, every time I brush my teeth, which is more than usual now since I started Invisalign, I think of him.

Not bad thoughts, we still remained friends after I broke it off with him and he has apologized to me a long time ago for not being a good boyfriend. But, it’s funny things you remember from such a small thing in your daily life,

…and no, I never left my toothpaste uncapped after that fight with him.

PTSD from dating the wrong peoples… no matter how infatuated you are with them, no excuses… When you see the signs, leave them ASAP!

I’ve dated quite a bit of guys, no shame, how else will I know who is my fit?… they were all differently in personality, backgrounds, names [it’s weird to date anyone with a name with someone you dated before] and appearances… or what they did in their careers, how they lived their life, etc. The only common trait was that they were all narcissists and extremely jealous.

They were all passionately unable to control their emotions.

Top 4 would be… and only one of them actually bother me still. And he’ll be #1.

#4. The first and perhaps only guy I felt “LOVE” He had anger management issues and was violent, it was a traumatic relationship but we both “loved” each other dearly even though we knew our personalities weren’t ever gonna work out. We were both young so I’m not gonna be detailed about it. He would always have a temper issue and was absolutely horrible to me, now when I think about it, it wasn’t love, just thought I was because we were both young. But he got violent towards me AFTER we broke up… he never hit me before, I got the pictures of the bruises and damage to prove it.

#3. He had some weird napoleon complex even though he was big & tall and came from a wealthy family and did well in life. He was constantly wondering about me “cheating” on him and ended up having weird outbursts, being crazy [like throwing a glass of alcohol off a rooftop in nyc], and it ended up with him acting violent and me leaving him…

#2. He liked me for so many years. For awhile he even harassed me because his girlfriend at the time knew he liked me… eventually after they broke up, we became really good friends – I’m way too forgiving to a fault – and my mom encouraged me to date him. He became irrational, obsessive, willing to risk his job to cling to me all day all night. We moved in together, but it was torture. He started become violent, angry, possessive, paranoid…so I left. The last thing he ever said to me was sent in the angriest, most hurtful email ever. Insulting me, my dog, my parents and he actually got almost all of my college friends to hate me. Thanks bro.

#1. The biggest mind f* of them all. Whirlwind romance. Kid was my hoobae from my college. We randomly met on a plane. Hung out. Ended up moving to Taiwan together [with tons of help from my mom I’m still convinced he used me]. He was insanely jealous, paranoid… and since he used to be extremely overweight he had some weird complex. Our fights were insane. He would get mad at me over the smallest things. Like if I accidentally bought lamb instead of beef [he ate both, I don’t eat lamb, cuz in chinese the characters are so similar] It ended the day he got mad at me after he was out all night til 4am… came back to our apt and started to grab things and chuck them at me. So I called the police on him.

I did try to “date” a little [no relationships] after him but everything just freaked me out, so I just stopped. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve even been on a date… I think the last time was a blind date a few years ago.

Why is it the thought of a relationship is absolutely terrifying? To be honest, I would love one…but I’ve loved myself a lot more being single for the first time in so long… but I do miss that feeling of love and being loved.

Ah, life.

Hi, therapist?

Relationships and stuff…

Lately, the talk of love, relationships, dating etc has been coming up a lot in my life; like a lot.  (I feel like it’s a thing for as you get older and stay single…. ) And not just for me but for my friends (who conveniently like to come to me for advice hehe…)  I’ve always been told that I hold such an optimistic view on my love life.  We all want that connection though. It’s okay though, it’s natural, right?  But I’ve never been desperate for a relationship and when one ends… I never lose hope and give up.  Just keep swimming, right?

Although I would have to say I have made some pretty bad choices with men, how do deal with them, staying in broken relationships for way too long and jumping into them way too quick.  But hey, while some criticize my way of going out my love life, I think it’s my way of learning about love and life.  Without mistakes you won’t truly know what you want.  Without knowing the bad, you will never appreciate the good. Thank goodness I don’t have fish brain (Dora brain) – with what kind of memory span, 5 seconds?! Haha…. which reminds me. [start craziness] less than19 days til my birthday and less than 43 days til 5 Seconds of Summer concert. OK. [/end craziness]

But maybe we’ll add a video of 5SOS just because it’s my blog and I DO WHAT I WANT!!!! – Yup years later I still quote Cartman.

Yeah I’m a good girl that’s a bad girl that hasn’t been caught.

One of my best friends once told me that she was “too scared about how much she liked the guy she has recently been dating” because she has been hurt a few times before (Haven’t we all, by this age?).  I told her that she just had to live in the moment, enjoy it, because life and love is always a chance.

The guy I am currently “seeing” said to me awhile ago was “To me, a relationship is built over time. There’s no need to rush it. That’s why I’m okay with long distance and easing into things. If you’re one of those people who just needs constant attention from someone […] and just want to go with whoever gives you the most of that attention…it’s not really going to lead to a real relationship. Easy come, easy go, right?” Which makes perfect sense.  It’s not that I needed attention, I suppose reassurance, as confident as anyone can be, we all have our weak moments and hope that we are cared for back and not being played.  Which reminds me of one of my favorite, and also most overused bible quotes:


And to that one special person in my life right now…. All I can say is….

But it doesnt mean that I’m gonna succumb to your every need and desire.  I might as well date exes that I dumped.  I’ve just been in a huge argument with a current ex about us and others and what is what?!.. I don’t say that previous (some) relationships may mature and we could get back together but I also can’t say that something that I can be happy is in my near/far future.  I think I’ve always spent too much time trying to make my significant other super happy… in all ways…. that for once I want a real thing.  So everyone…. be happy.. stay happy… feel confident about it…. and just let it be <3

Not a Food Post: Thoughts on Relationships and Commitment

So this is not a food post. So before you decide to continue reading or not. Here are some recent yummies I’m ingested and digested, and yes pooped out.

Burger Pizza from Sonsie’s

Iberico Jamon from Toro

And most recently I made dinner for BF and I….

Real Black Truffle… this is worth likt 90$

Red Wine Braised Spicy Short Ribs with REAL Truffle whipped cauliflower and roasted brussel sprouts and mushrooms

And our bacon and bacon fat/habanero scrambled egg fest the next day

Oh, and my Easter Duck from Sel de la Terre

Anyways now it’s gonna get deep. So prepare to either enjoy or not enjoy. I said I wanted to grow this website into a little more than just food soooo……. here’s a go at it

So I was talking to one of my friends today…. and somehow it got into threesomes.  He was saying how I’m young and should experiment if I’m attracted, etc, so why not.  I said I doubted I could do it with anyone I had feelings for. He said that he had a girlfriend for a few years and threesomes made them bond anymore.  Which led me into asking him why he wasn’t with her anymore.  And while there were plenty of reasons he could give me, um, him being incredibly good looking and personable – just two off the top of my head… he said cuz he was only 98% in love with her.  Granted they were in their early-mid 20s at the time, which isn’t THAT young but I guess it can and can’t be for this day and age…. but she wanted marriage and babies and he told me he knew he was 100% and wouldn’t want all of that later on with her.  He loved her, she was great, but only 98%……

For some reason it hit a trigger in me and got me thinking.  I was just taking a long hot shower. [fine fine be dirty, imagine it] And I was thinking about my past relationships and what an old boyfriend had said to me.  My first boyfriend after college told me to “never settle” and it’s stuck with me. For 8 long years it’s stuck with me.  I remember it clearly, we were walking into my apartment in Harvard Sq. talking about being in relationships, exes and being happy and he said “Its important to just never settle.” And honestly I think a lot of people I know just settled.  Which is why my friend, today, reminded me again of this.  Settling isn’t good for both sides of the party aka relationship.

So then it got me thinking even more…. I thought I was going to marry my first boyfriend.  I had my first kiss when I was 16.  A month after I graduated high school. Yep.  I admit it.  And after that first heartbreak it was guy after guy that wanted to marry me and have babies with me and then I’d run away.  I was dubbed a commitmentphobe and a “guy” by my friends.  Can you believe that?  How many girls would immediately jump at the idea of getting married, eloping and having babies with a guy? Not me. Why?  NOT FULLY THERE.  So, see, back to my friend saying “98%” how much percentage have I been with each guy?

DOOD. I had a guy I wanted to break up with try to get me to stay with him by telling me the engagement ring he was about to propose to me with and saying that he wanted to give me a baby boy. UH. Total turn off. Telling me you wanna give me a baby when trying to seduce me is NOT my kind of foreplay.

And then it brings me on to another thought.  Last weekend I was having a girls day with one of my girlfriends and we were talking about marriage.  I think I’ve been thru maybe 6 or 7 boyfriends since I’ve known her. Awkward right? I’m such a serial relationshipper… I don’t really date. If you don’t interest me, we won’t make it thru a date. Continuing on.  Maybe a fling or two here and there, fun times are always good times, but I like being in love – feeling needed, taking care of someone…. thinking of someone and just smiling.  OH KAY. Enough of that.  She’s been married for almost 10 years.  She had her first kid in High School, got married, went to college and just recently had another boy two years ago.  She said it got hard in the marriage around the 7th year but the reason why they’re so strong is because they’re best friends. BEST FRIENDS.

That’s another topic I want to hit upon.  I want guys I date to become my BEST FRIEND.  I had one guy who refused to be friends with me unless we were in a relationship.  It turned out SHIT so I won’t get into that.  I partially blame the whole pre-friendship/no more respect thing.  OR maybe I’m just a bitch.  Either way.  Doesn’t work for me.

So back to the not settling thing… I realized that I’ve known a lot of guys who not settled… but also a handful of guys who ended relationships cuz while they were happy, they weren’t the right one.  I guess just made me think a lot.

[EDIT] I don’t date guys and be in relationships just to BE IN one… I don’t NEED to be in one.  I’m like one of those disney princess movies that always believe in a happy ending but just end up getting more jaded and fucked up.  I want a best friend. A great lover. A partner in crime. Someone I enjoy life with, not complete.  I can take care of myself, I’m a big girl.  I want a great guy to compliment me and me to compliment him. [/EDIT]

Btw, this friend of mine I’m talking about [first paragraph] told me that Santa may have come from some big Shrooms high amongst other things.

MIND BLOWN.

On that note.

Stay swaggie.

PS. This blog post has NOTHING to do with my current relationship – which is a happy one.  And a private one. J + I are awesome. That’s all.