Breaking down.. and picking myself back up

I had a rough week. I admit it. Rough, both mentally and physically and I’m sure they play a part in each.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 5am as I have been lately, and I just lay there… my whole chest and up my throat felt stuffed with cotton balls and it was so hard to breath. I felt like I was having a panic attack for no reason… perhaps all the nightmares I’ve been having lately? …So I lay there for hours, until 2pm when I tried to get up for family therapy. I could barely move but still walked out to my dining room table to talk with her. What was going to be a few minutes, turned into the whole hour session… definitely a lot more at ease.

This has been happening a lot lately, lying there, can’t breath, can’t move, can’t sleep, can’t get up. I lie there thinking happy thoughts and singing songs in my head. Sometimes if I find the strength I play some on my iPhone. It helps, slower than a pill would, but mentally healthier in my opinion.

Back to the nightmares. I’ve been having nightmares, scary ones… and not just ghosts are creepy crawly creatures, but real life situations. Maybe I do watch too much true crime, horror movies and k-dramas, they all get combined into a very realistic type of scary in my dreams.

The other day I was telling my PT about a horror movie thriller I watched the night before… [She seems to enjoy me re-telling her stories of movies and true crime hehe, we have that in common because she shares a lot with me too]. And after, she asked me…

“Do you get nightmares after watching these movies?”

“Nope!”

To be honest, I don’t. But in my weird twisted mind, as soon as I close my eyes, every weird real life, things I’ve seen and watched get combined into my own new movie.

I should start writing more dreams down… since my neuropathy meds, sometimes I can’t remember my dreams as vividly as I used to… but lemme tell you, I’ve written down some crazy, long twisted plot turning dreams. Intense.

Sunday Funday.

Can we talk about this Mukbang sensation?

Before we start, watch Jin’s “Epiphany” and I won’t judge you on crying and dying on how amazing and jaw dropping it is…. i wanna cry each time…

DED*

I will be the first to admit, last year I finally gave into the craze of watching mukbangs.  Being a recovery “eating disordered” and also food obsessive person, this made sense.  And honestly, I am SO DEEP!  And not only in just the food, I find myself just listening to them talk and me NOT drooling over the food they are eating.  Early on I was obsessed with ASMR and would play them to help me sleep and I honestly find myself not as drawn towards it.

I still LOVE Food ASMR, the chewing and crunching is SO SO satisfying, as long as it’s not in person, to me… but to be honest I just love seeing people eat and be able.

AS YOU KNOW, my latest craze is BTS, uh DUH, who isn’t in love with them?!… but just going on youtube and watching them eat [type: eat bts, or even better, my BIAS, eat jin!  and eat jungkook… or eat taehyung/v… lol] ANYWAYS…

I just love seeing people eat.  I’m not sure if it’s helping my eating disorder or not, but it’s DAMN SATISFYING!

HOW AM I SO ATTRACTED TO MALES EATING?!

It’s a thing.

It’s a my kinda thing, I love guys who eat well… [btw, I do get annoyed at ppl who eat ICK, sorry past bf who annoyed me, but it’s also a thing] BUT I LOVE A GUY WHO CAN EAT WELL and look super cute doing so.

I can eat a lot.  Wanna date me?  Eat more than me… and also eat what I cook HAHAHA cuz I love to cook!

I duno where this blog is going, I haven’t blogged in awhile.  People have been asking me so many things… why aren’t you dating?  What have you been doing?  What happened to food blogs?  Why are you not really on social media? etc etc… I duno, I just felt like it I guess.  My last real relationship was over 2 years ago TBH, the last time I went on a date was like…. a year ago?  Maybe more?

OK back tho this whole eating shizz. Someone do a mukbang with me?  I look ugly eating so I need someone with me to do one.

I good.

I’ll just save me for BTS. [haha I kid.]

Just haven’t had the moment.

Currently busy with life, work and living situation [in the process of moving] and plus I travel a lot, SO……

OKAY so before I finally go to bed, since it’s 5am, EAST COAST TIME… [yes I’m currently in Boston still, figuring out my new living sitch] let’s just bang bang to this song… still unsure about L.A. and France times at the moment, but currently adding Saipan to the list of go-to’s for this year….

I’m also fat lately. I need to diet. FML.

Sorry guys…

I have failed at blogging anymore. Expect a blog and/or vlog this weekend :D Planning, planning, planning.. planning an unplanned one.  Whenever I feel inspired, I guess.  I’ve just been busy with life… love ya’ll <3

If you are curious about my life, add my snapchat [misstiffie] or follow me on instagram, I post a lot of stories daily :] – both are username misstiffie!

But I leave you with some BTS <3 Cuz who doesn’t love them? Haha…

byebye past, hello future

This is the beginning of a whole new life for me.  A new chapter with one of the best people I know in my life.  I’m not running away from my past but I have moved on, beyond and I’m only looking forward, hand in hand with my love.

A few things I’m considering, now that this has gone from health blog, foodie blog, for awhile it got all personal and “shtuff” and now into a lifestyle blog.  Should I get rid of all my old posts?  Or just leave them on to see how I’ve grown?  Tons of old posts are still being read, even commented on, so I feel like I’m taking away from hiding them….

But this is a new start for me.

After over 24 hours in airports, but mostly an airplane… I am on the other side of the world, for who knows how long.  On the plane I watched Tiny Times (finally!!!), Room and Trainwreck.  Which strangely, I connected to all three.

Tiny Times.  The Asian, younger version of Sex and the City.  College students who great up together and their stories.  Each girl different from the other (all gorgeous of course and all in different situations in their lives – of course – but even the most glamorous has difficulties.)  Who hasn’t gone through a time admiring successful beautiful people.  The super athletic one.  The super rich one.  The gorgeous one.  The artistic one.  The smartest one.  Or wanted “Mr. Perfect” etc. etc.  This movie reminds us that we are still, in fact, all the same.  All the same insecurities, pains, emotions, feelings – and most of us, truly do in fact have a soul.

Room.  A girl was raped and abducted for over 5 years and had a child and was living in one room for that long.  Her son, his whole life, was based on a tv, books “surprise Sundays” and the room.  It was interesting how the girl got frustrated at her own son being scared of the world she always knew of and dreamed of going back into – after they got saved.  It also reminded me of how materialistic the world has become, how reliant we are with technology and not appreciating the beauty we have all around us, waiting to happen, things that have happened.  Just even a window to look outside.

Trainwreck.  I’ll just let the name speak for itself.  Thankfully I was never even close to how awful of a place she was in.  But let’s just got back to Tiny Times’ conclusion.  Everyone has gone through shit.

And then I think of where I am now.

I am happy.

I AM HAPPY.

Of course, nothing will ever be perfect… but I am HAPPY.

So yup. First 24 hours has been a lot of sleep (we both passed out around 9ish last night)  And it’s currently 6 in the morning.  More later on.  Feel free to check out my tweets and instagram for quicker updates.

xoxo, Tiffie

To be Barbie…… leave skinny girls alone


i’m sure most of little girl’s dreams was to be barbie. I, myself  never had that urge, in fact I didn’t understand skinny vs fat til 8th grade and fashion until high school – thru bullying.  And then I recently saw this article.  If she was was in real life she’d be 5’9″ and 110lbs.  I already lose, I’m 5’7″+ – ish and around 105+ or minus lbs depending on sodium/liquid and food intake.

But then they post Barbie’s “impossible physical properties” vs the “average woman” so I decided to measure myself tonite…  with a few glasses of wine HAHA.

Barbie vs. Avg vs. Miss Tiffie
Head 22″ 20″ 21″
Neck 9″ 15″ 11.5″
Bust 32″ 35″ 32″
Biceps 7″ 13″ 6″
Forearms 6″ 11″  5.5″
Wrist 3.5″ 6.5″ 5.5″
Waist”16″35″ 23″
Hips 29″ 40″ 31″
Thigh 16″ 35″ 10″
Calf 11″ 16″ 10″
Ankle 6″ 9″ 7″

HMMMMM… INTERESTING…..

While I do find wanting to be Barbie “proportions ridiculous” talking about girls having to be anorexic or having eating disorders is even worse for me.

While my wrists aren’t that skinny but my legs are skinnier than her.. does it make it right that I get bullied and made fun of for being thin? It’s completely unfair, especially if barbie is the “ideal” woman!  In fact I am happy healthy and fit and closer to barbie proportions than the average woman. WHY is it ok to criticize “thin”/”skinny” women publicly and anyway wanted when one cannot criticize an overweight woman? I do neither but it is very hurtful to be bombarded with hateful words, comments and mail every day on how I look. p.s. yes I have a huge head. get over it. Pineapple head or not (haha Will) just means I have a bigger brain right? You got that right bitches!

Barbie may be unreal, but I am 100% natural as is many others even tinier than me, naturally. So unless you want to openly “make fun of” “larger” women, leave us alone.  This is very triggering….  have had eating disorder issues.. which I have avoided talking about for a very long time for years and if I wasn’t fine right now, I would wanna be tinier than Barbie.  Even tho I naturally already am in some cases. Either these articles shouldn’t be written or Barbie should look more “natural” PEACE OUT I’m gonna go eat some chips.