Can you be an optimistic sad person?

I have always been the ‘glass half full’ type of girl. My whole life, after being bullied, abused, ridiculed, belittled, talked down upon, faced racism, sexism, been hated for just being me, etc… I always tell myself every morning, with a smile on my face, today is a new day.

OK, fine, I’m lying, I don’t always wake up with a smile on my face, or think that this new day will be any better… but I DO keep trying to tell myself that. Isn’t that a thing? Think positive, positive things will happen? BTW, a lie, but also I do believe think negative and negative things will happen.

I’m having an……………… OK streak.

I’d say bad but it’s not all that bad, it’s been awful but I have my good moments. With all the bad moments in life, I love to only remember the best, greatest moments. The best moments are the ones that made me glow and smile from within…. Nothing money or success or fame can buy. They’re the moments, usually the small ones that make me so happy to have lived my life as I have.

Never live in your negative past memories and thoughts, or you will be miserable your whole life. I’ve had so many bad things happen to me and have met bad people, but I only want to remember the good. You might think I’m being naive or stupid, or avoiding the bad… Not avoiding the bad… the bad happened, and I will avoid it ever happening again. I just don’t need to drown in my own sorrows, self-pity, woe, whatever it is.

Not worth it. I’d rather eat something decadent and worry about my waistline [haha]

This past year has been so rough for me, emotionally…physically, and the physical also influenced the emotional. Brave face, brave mind, brave heart. I’ll survive. Life goes on…

How?

How do you even begin to describe when you’re just having a “bad time”?

Today I had to explain to a guy who has “interest” in me that… uh well, I am who I am. From life, from experience… from everything. I don’t purposely ignore anyone, I shut off everyone in my life when I’m having “issues”, stress, anxiety.

Ah, life. How do I even begin? How does anyone?

I have so much going on right now…. But it was nice that talking to him made me feel at ease… like he actually really cared about me.

If he does or doesn’t, I thank him for making me smile today. Because, sometimes it’s all it takes, just a few words that make you feel somewhat significant in the world.

Side note: still one of my goals in life is to be a zombie extra in a movie/tv show so plz hook me up 🥳

Back to you….

I just don’t get it… why are people just liars and cheaters and fakes.  I am so sick of it.  People are so freaking selfish and I can’t stand it.  And I don’t know why I always forgive them and go back to them……………..  maybe I’m just that much broken.

Why do people say “sorry” when they don’t even mean it?  And why do people still fall for it?  It’s a never ending circle, it’s saddening, heartbreaking and yet inevitable and it just happens over and over again.  When will the cycle end?  For the lucky ones, it doesn’t happen, or it happens once or twice.  But for people like me, I shouldn’t have picked up that penny the wrong side up, it’s the story of my life.

At times, I just don’t know how to feel anymore.  Numb, I’ve said before, just numb.

I accept all of my problems and disorders and “crazy” that I have… and I feel like everyone in my life does too… well mostly… the true ones.  The ones who love me and accept me for who I am.

“I love it, I hate it…”  Guess I’m just a masochistic. LOL.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve got a Jet Black Heart.

[Bebe Rexha:]
I know you say you know me, know me well
But these days I don’t even know myself, no
I always thought I’d be with someone else
I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

I call you but you never even answer
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you

[Louis Tomlinson:]
I know my friends they give me bad advice
Like move on, get you out my mind
But don’t you think I haven’t even tried
You got me cornered and my hands are tied

[Louis Tomlinson & Bebe Rexha:]
You got me so addicted to the drama
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

[Louis Tomlinson:]
Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you

And I guess you’ll never know
All the bullshit that you put me through
And I guess you’ll never know, no

[Bebe Rexha & Louis Tomlinson:]
Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder
You can be the pill to ease the pain
‘Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama
Baby, here we go again

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you
Back to you
I just keep on coming back to you