PTSD from dating the wrong peoples… no matter how infatuated you are with them, no excuses… When you see the signs, leave them ASAP!

I’ve dated quite a bit of guys, no shame, how else will I know who is my fit?… they were all differently in personality, backgrounds, names [it’s weird to date anyone with a name with someone you dated before] and appearances… or what they did in their careers, how they lived their life, etc. The only common trait was that they were all narcissists and extremely jealous.

They were all passionately unable to control their emotions.

Top 4 would be… and only one of them actually bother me still. And he’ll be #1.

#4. The first and perhaps only guy I felt “LOVE” He had anger management issues and was violent, it was a traumatic relationship but we both “loved” each other dearly even though we knew our personalities weren’t ever gonna work out. We were both young so I’m not gonna be detailed about it. He would always have a temper issue and was absolutely horrible to me, now when I think about it, it wasn’t love, just thought I was because we were both young. But he got violent towards me AFTER we broke up… he never hit me before, I got the pictures of the bruises and damage to prove it.

#3. He had some weird napoleon complex even though he was big & tall and came from a wealthy family and did well in life. He was constantly wondering about me “cheating” on him and ended up having weird outbursts, being crazy [like throwing a glass of alcohol off a rooftop in nyc], and it ended up with him acting violent and me leaving him…

#2. He liked me for so many years. For awhile he even harassed me because his girlfriend at the time knew he liked me… eventually after they broke up, we became really good friends – I’m way too forgiving to a fault – and my mom encouraged me to date him. He became irrational, obsessive, willing to risk his job to cling to me all day all night. We moved in together, but it was torture. He started become violent, angry, possessive, paranoid…so I left. The last thing he ever said to me was sent in the angriest, most hurtful email ever. Insulting me, my dog, my parents and he actually got almost all of my college friends to hate me. Thanks bro.

#1. The biggest mind f* of them all. Whirlwind romance. Kid was my hoobae from my college. We randomly met on a plane. Hung out. Ended up moving to Taiwan together [with tons of help from my mom I’m still convinced he used me]. He was insanely jealous, paranoid… and since he used to be extremely overweight he had some weird complex. Our fights were insane. He would get mad at me over the smallest things. Like if I accidentally bought lamb instead of beef [he ate both, I don’t eat lamb, cuz in chinese the characters are so similar] It ended the day he got mad at me after he was out all night til 4am… came back to our apt and started to grab things and chuck them at me. So I called the police on him.

I did try to “date” a little [no relationships] after him but everything just freaked me out, so I just stopped. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve even been on a date… I think the last time was a blind date a few years ago.

Why is it the thought of a relationship is absolutely terrifying? To be honest, I would love one…but I’ve loved myself a lot more being single for the first time in so long… but I do miss that feeling of love and being loved.

Ah, life.

Hi, therapist?

盂蘭節 aka Ghost Month aka 鬼節

This month is ghost month… and while it’s August, it’s lunar year, seventh month and called 盂蘭節…

Basically:

The Ghost Festival, also known as the Hungry Ghost Festival in modern day, Zhong Yuan Jie or Yu Lan Jie (traditional Chinese: 盂蘭節) is a traditional Buddhist and Taoist festival held in Asian countries. In theChinese calendar (a lunisolar calendar), the Ghost Festival is on the 15th night of the seventh month (14th in southern China).

In Chinese culture, the fifteenth day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar is calledGhost Day and the seventh month in general is regarded as the Ghost Month (鬼月), in which ghosts and spirits, including those of the deceased ancestors, come out from thelower realm. Distinct from both the Qingming Festival (in spring) and Double Ninth Festival(in autumn) in which living descendants pay homage to their deceased ancestors, during Ghost Festival, the deceased are believed to visit the living.

On the fifteenth day the realms of Heaven and Hell and the realm of the living are open and both Taoists and Buddhists would perform rituals to transmute and absolve the sufferings of the deceased. Intrinsic to the Ghost Month is veneration of the dead, where traditionally the filial piety of descendants extends to their ancestors even after their deaths. Activities during the month would include preparing ritualistic food offerings, burning incense, and burning joss paper, a papier-mâché form of material items such as clothes, gold and other fine goods for the visiting spirits of the ancestors. Elaborate meals (often vegetarian meals) would be served with empty seats for each of the deceased in the family treating the deceased as if they are still living. Ancestor worship is what distinguishes Qingming Festival from Ghost Festival because the latter includes paying respects to all deceased, including the same and younger generations, while the former only includes older generations. Other festivities may include, buying and releasing miniature paper boats and lanterns on water, which signifies giving directions to the lost ghosts and spirits of the ancestors and other deities.

Taiwanese traditions:

Traditionally, it is believed that ghosts haunt the island of Taiwan for the entire seventh lunar month, when the mid-summer Ghost Festival is held.[6] The month is known as Ghost Month.[7] The first day of the month is marked by opening the gate of a temple, symbolizing the gates of hell. On the twelfth day, lamps on the main altar are lit. On the thirteenth day, a procession of lanterns is held. On the fourteenth day, a parade is held for releasing water lanterns. Incense and food are offered to the spirits to avoid them visiting homes and spirit paper money is also burnt as an offering.[8] During the month, people avoid surgery, buying cars, swimming, and going out after dark. It is also important that addresses are not revealed to the ghosts

Wikipedia

Some of the Taboos:

  1. Do not stroll at night.
  2. Do not swim. It is said that drowned evil ghosts might try to drown people in order to find victims for them to rebirth.
  3. As the month is considered to be inauspicious, do not move to a new house, start new businesses or marry.
  4. Do not hang clothes outside at night.
  5. Do not pick up coins or money found on the street and if one does, never bring any home.
  6. Do not step on or kick the offerings by the roadside. If someone were to step on any offerings by accident, he or she should apologize aloud to ameliorate the situation
  7. Do not wear red because ghosts are attracted to red.
  8. Don’t sing and whistle as these may attract ghosts.
  9. Keep away from the walls as it is believed that ghosts like sticking to walls.
  10. If someone is born during the ghost month, avoid celebrating his or her birthday at night. It is better to celebrate during the daytime.
  11. Do not go out at 12 midnight as the ghost may approach you for food and other offerings for them.
  12. Do not open umbrellas in the house. It may attract spirits
  13. Do not take selfies or take videos. Ghost may appear in it. You may never know
  14. Do not sleep facing the mirror or something reflective. It guides the ghosts.

I have not really been caring about these things until my recent gifts that I have been blessed with.  My teacher has told me that people who have the blessing of talking to spirits and angels and all that communication have a hard time during this month.  The death and the ghosts and the evil can sense what I have and cling onto it.  The problem is, during this month, cleansing and healing are not allowed.  So I’m struggling.

I have been feeling drained, completely to the point of emptiness.  And I’m starving but when I eat I want to puke.  Everything has been feeling so negative to the point where I am just giving up and wanting to sleep 24/7.  My sleep is not even well.. it’s riddled with nightmares and I don’t move from my position for hours on end and have to willfully force myself to get up everyday with the little energy I have.  I feel disoriented, confused, out of focus and just…. empty.  That’s the best way to describe it.  Empty… and it’s worst at night.

This is affecting my work, my family life, and just me in general.  I can get a full night’s rest and still feel like I haven’t slept in days. It’s taking a toll on me and I’m wondering now if I have been blessed or cursed with my new found gift.  It’s scary… I was doing so well before and suddenly I just feel like a darkness has grabbed a hold of me and I can’t shake it away.  I keep telling it to leave me but I just feel so lost and spiraling down a deep dark whole.  Meditation.  Speaking to my angels.  Cards.  Nothing has helped.  I’m subduing my pain and lack thereof in any way that I can think of and it’s not helping.

I feel lost. I need Archangel Michael by my side to guide me through my fear and pain.

This is the first time ghost month has affected me.  Tonight I will leave an offering outside of my door…. and pray that they will leave me alone.  I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m desperate.

So recently I’ve been having horrible Nightmares (Read with caution)

I’ve been having crazy, violent, too-detailed nightmares lately.  I forgot the night’s before – just that I woke up screaming but nothing came out – but last night’s took the cake.  I’ll be nice and give you a PG-13 version of it.

After getting a new house my family and I decided to have a party.  Afterwards there was cleanup and some people still stayed after dark, some left. The last of us decided to take a walk around the new neighborhood only to come home to find that the front door was unlocked and open.

Thinking it was my mother, who was out with a group of girlfriends we, I think it was my dad, one of his friends,  and maybe a friend of mine, we went inside. The house was a mess.  An unidentifiable man dressed in, basically, a gray “human condom” came out from my room on the second floor, threw my camera at me and lurked back into my room.

The images on my camera were so disturbing, they were of people sleeping and him slowly torturing and killing them off.  He went through my private diaries and love letters and just took photos of everything.  He was basically slowly hiding and sneaking around my house slowly killing off anyone and everyone for no reason.  I hid Didi in the closet with a blanket and she had never been so quiet in her life.

The rest of the night was almost a blur of us trying to defend ourselves.  I had to watch family, friends, boyfriend, even people I hardly knew get murdered in devastating ways in front of me.  And for some reason, I also knew he was leaving me for last – like he had some personal vendetta against me and wanted me to suffer as much as I could.  I finally had the chance to run out of the house, my mom and her friends found me and tried to also cover for me.  I finally found a place to hide (after several tries, he just always knew where I was) and call the police telling them to make as little noise as possible to come and save whoever was left.

By the end there was a sniper and a neighbor with a shotgun hiding while the killer just sat on the couch, teasing me.  He got extremely agitated when he realized there were new people there… tons of shots and a smoke bomb went off and he was finally dead.  As was everyone around me.  Tons of swat and police finally got there as the smoke cleared and my house looked like a massacre, I was covered in tears and blood.

No one was found alive. I just remember crying to one officer just saying “Why why why?” over again… as I held Didi in my arms.  She was all I had left.

In the end I had written a book about it and called it “What is a feather?”  The first half was the story of that night.  The second half was popup art called “Sad loving memories”  And it was drawing I made of all the loved ones who died and my last moments and memories of them.  The last one was a popup of Didi titled “The one who survived”

At the end was the killer saying some quote like “In the end even the last feather is the last remaining hope” So I had changed Didi’s name to Feather. She was the only one that survived in my life.  My hope.

The end of my dream was a gruesome image of the killer’s head crudely sewn back on with thick black thread – crooked and off to the side, with a chilling smile and extra eyes sewn into his face.  Like he was always watching.  I can’t shake it off.  It’s 5pm and I still can’t eat a thing.

Anyone know any good dream analysis people?  Lately my dreams are so real I wake up and for a few moments I can’t even tell if it really happened or not.  And it’s terrifying.