Discovering myself…

It’s hard to always stand up for yourself, let alone even know who you are as a person.  I’ve been going through a darkness, and at times I feel like I’m spiraling down that I can’t get out of it.  Deeper and deeper into the madness.  And not in the awesome Alice in Wonderland way, which I could kill to be in right now.  Things would make a lot more sense there.

But, I suppose, that’s what reality is.  Things don’t make sense.  Or maybe it does, or will, at the very end.  But when is this end.  I feel like I’m floating along, day by day, just living life like an empty shell.  I never imagined that I would ever know what that would feel like… but even at a young age I remember feeling empty and wanting to die.  I remember that day, that diary entry – in my Little Mermaid book – I was 8 and I had already lost hope.

I don’t blame those who have helped me become who I am today, but I blame myself for not being strong enough to endure it enough… or maybe too strong to not succumb to it and end the misery.

But lately I’m just numb. So much so, I’m physically numb, not just emotionally.  My mystery bruises manifest all over my body, I ache and my hands, feet and legs go numb.  Numb.  Is there even another good word for it?  It’s been awhile since my SATs.  *Chuckle* Doubt UrbanDictionary would help, but it would make me laugh.

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And I stand corrected.  I almost spit out my tea “I ran into a truck and din’t feel a thing!”  THEY DIDN’T EVEN USE “NUMB” IN THAT EXAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways.  I am feeling better, and sorry I’ve been using this blog to be ranting lately.  A lot of changes have been going on and in the works.  Been trying to better myself and make myself smile from the inside out more.  Thanks to those who read this, thanks to those who care, thanks to those who love me, those who understand me for being who I am and thanks to those who are unconditionally there for me.

I know I will rise like the Phoenix.

And so I sit here…

It’s 3:02AM EST time and I’m sitting here watching tv marathons and movies on iTunes and Netflix.  I just finished off a bowl of homemade nachos and guacamole and I’m about to go warm up some more spicy pulled pork I made earlier.  Has this become my life?  This could be the wine talking, or the wandering mind thinking… but this is definitely not where I thought I would be… a year ago, two, three, five, ten? What has happened?

It’s funny how things work. Weight gain made me sad. But I gained weight cuz I’ve been happy. But the weight gain makes me not want to move… so while I eat less, I move less. I’m still not happy with my body. But that could just be my eating disorder talking.  Always in recovery, never fully recovered.

You guys have been with me through so many ups and downs and yet you remain loyal.  So much gratitude.  Love, lust, heartbreaks. Breakdowns and highs. Parties and mournings.

The past year I have been basically mostly living in Taiwan and I’ve forgotten my love for cooking, almost.  I stopped caring a lot about things I used to be so passionate about and I have no real explanation for it… but it’s recently sparked up again.

I cooked duck the other day. And today I had a pulled pork burrito/taco night with pomegranate guacamole, spicy mango pico de gallo with roasted garlic and corn and an extremely spicy salsa verde… along with some yummy gooey blue corn chip nachos.  I started to feel alive again.  I started a cooking idea journal/notebook again…. mainly b/c I was planning to cook for C on his birthday… and while things got in the way, I still got MAD IDEAS to play on.

SO…. I have ideas of doing supper parties.  [And have talked with a chef friend or two about doing pop ups] – I want to, once I move out, host supper/dinner parties, first once a month, and then possibly once a week.  People can BYOB and tell me their diets…. or just leave it up to me.  Hopefully soon after team, up with chefs and cool wine people.

I have so many ambitions and ideas… I want to write, I want to travel, I want to cook, I want to go back to school…. and I want to film it all. I have a secret thing about wanting to be in front of a camera.

So maybe this is how this blog is evolving.  It went from food diary to healthy eating and recipes to eating out and traveling extravagantly …. and then just personal…. me finding my inner peace…. healing and now this.  My lifestyle. Ever evolving.

This blog is now: Finding the real Miss Tiffie.

Please join me in my journey.

Can you believe it’s February? 2017?

I have so many posts, “almost finished” on here…. I promise to post my New Years Eve dinner post tonight, but life has just been flying past me.

Swoooooshhhhhh….

I feel like this website needs a makeover, do-over, something.  It’s become more of a lifestyle blog than a food blog, although food still is my main love :]  But hey, the older you get, the more life gets in your way.  You grow, evolve… changes.

I’m trying this “healthy” approach to my snacking and randomly missing meals with RXBars and ProteinWorld smoothies… but hell, sometimes I just want my bag of chips to munch on.  My body doesn’t do too well with salty food, so I constantly crave it.  Ahhh, the irony.

2017 has been interesting. I was back in the States before Xmas 2016 but so much drama and blah blah blah… oh and BLAH!… Thankfully I’ve had great people to be there with me and for me [as me for them] during the times.  Love is in the air.  I love you my friends/family.

Anyways just wanna put it out there, I shall be blogging more, cooking more [hopefully]  and I hope I haven’t lost a ton of you….  especially since I’ve been back and forth from Asia and America so much – still figuring out where I wanna end up living at for a “time” or just stick with traveling everywhere :] OK… time to finish my plan for tomorrow’s menu and my NYE Dinner blog post that’s long overdue.

xo always,

I’m back bitches!!!!!!!!

Tiffie

PS. Patriots are DA FUGGING CHAMPIONS……AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This year’s superbowl was unforgettable and epic. Tom Brady for life <3 You know what else was on fire? The wings I made for Superbowl Sunday. Scotch bonnet, garlic, shallots, pineapple, etc…. FIRE <3 Fire like Brady was!!!!! Holla!

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FU

I lol’d

I got two letters for you

One of them is F
The other one is U

Just Believe…

It is so nice to be acknowledged of my growing skills.  Ever since learning I had a gift, my life has improved so much.  My close friends and family also see it within me, as has my teacher.  I’m praying more, meditating more, work has gone better than ever for me.  My health is doing better, my belief and my positivity has grown.

Before I had a kind heart, but a hurt one, a broken one and it took growing my gift to truly heal it.  Before I could smile on the outside but would be crying on the inside… but not I smile from within, and I can feel the warmth and the glow.

Today I did a reading for my dad, he was a bit reluctant at first but then he caved in.  He asked me questions only he had answers to and I answered them all correctly.  He now believes.  I also asked to heal a body part of his and prayed for Archangel Raphael, one who heals the body and health, to come to his side and to help him.  After the reading I was stunned that not only was, the usual Gabriel and Michael by my side but so was Raphael.  He had come to me when I called for him.

The more you believe.  The more you learn.  The more I open up my heart and my mind to the angels and the spirits I let them speak to me, talk to me, through me and the more I can help myself and others.

This card, also related to Arielle’s.  I am so glad that the angels are telling me that I have a gift.  I have only tried communication with the departed for a little while, but I also feel like “departed” loves ones also mean those who are not waling on earth, meaning all spiritual things around me.

There have been a few challenges that have come up but I have been strong and have been trying to beat through them.  It’s tiresome, hurtful and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that I shouldn’t and deep down I don’t.  I was told, only I can help and make this work… to help heal a wounded soul is difficult.  But it’s a challenge I am willing to take on.

Oh ho ho. New people in my life, eh?  Today I did a tarot reading, a new way, with my teacher and my card came out as Lovers.  Will this be the year that I find “The One” and not the oh constantly “Wrong One”? Haha.  We shall see, but this card makes me smile.

But like I always say, it’ll come to you.  Yo don’t need to seek it out.  But I am always open to new, good, people in my life.

XOXO

Dear Heart,

What are you trying to tell me?  You’re telling me that everything is gonna be okay.  What am I not getting at and seeing?  You’ve been stabbed, manipulated, torn apart, hurt, broken, in love, in pain, everything…. and yet you still keep secrets from me.  Teach me, please, teach me how to listen to what you have to say to me.  I’ve already learned so much from my past, but there is always more things to learn.

Sometimes everyone needs to take a step back and ask themselves what their heart is saying to them and figure out what they truly want.  The truth is there, the future is there.  It will never change, but one sees only what they want to see, but you need to learn how to see what is truly there.

“Love actually is all around” – Love Actually

That’s something we need to learn.  But love can hurt, and it can be happiness. That’s also something we need to learn.  To truly love is to have lost… to be loved and to love others, you need to first fully love yourself.

“Notice how the moon affects your energy and manifestations, and capitalize upon these cycles.”

Things are ever changing… and yet somethings are like Groundhogs Day over and over again. Déjà vu over and over. Today was a great day, Archangel Haniel, thank you for bringing me this.  I have noticed how things I do affect my life in certain ways and it keeps happening over and over again.  There are the negative things and then the positive and I am staying focused on the positive part.

So here I am…. realizing the things in my life that are going on…. and I will continue, conquer and live my life and be happy.

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Before I forget I just want to mention something I saw today…. I pray that this forest fire that was on Mass Pike didn’t do more harm than what I already saw.  The pics do no justice it covered a pretty big chunk by the highway – I’m guessing from the extreme heat (95+) and as we slowly passed it the flames just got bigger and bigger.  Strangely, I saw NO cops, NO fire engines, NADA!  What?  And I saw NO news about it tonight while checking on my phone.  So weird.  Hope the damage wasn’t too bad.

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And now for a little fun.  Because who wants to end a blog post with something scary and negative, right?

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I had a very mother/daughter bonding session today.  With not only my own mother and I, but Didi and I as well.  Pets make people happier, live longer, stay healthier…. you laugh more.  They’re just your own little babies – forever.  And I love my little furbaby.  It’s funny because I have been considering getting some more cats/puppies to give Didi some company.  That or do more work at the shelter I work at.

I was gonna go to a “YappyHour” – get it? GET IT? ^_____^ in town today but it was way too hot for an outdoor event and Didi would totally get sick from the heat.  I drove by the event and saw that it was practically empty. Hello!!!??? Excessive heat caused a forest fire today!  I hope they reschedule because it sounds like fun and great to meet new people.

And remember people…. adopt a rescue animal!  There are tons in need of homes because of many situations, a lot of them bad, so please, open up your heart – it’s a win-win situation!

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Didi and I on our walk in her new stroller… and me catching Pokémon! Hahahahahaha…. WE GOT TO CATCH THEM ALL!!!!!

XOXO

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True Happiness comes from Simplicity

Today I was reminded of living my life with “Simplicity”.  I have changed a lot the past few weeks, the past few months and even the past few years.  I used to party and live my life to excess.  I indulged way too much in so many ways, now looking back, I don’t get why… but I have lived through it and it’s apart of my life.  I will never have to live my life saying “what if” or regret not doing anything.

But it’s all been done and all behind me.  My future is in front of me, looking forward, simplicity does make me happier.  There was a point where I was eating out at luxurious restaurants every night of the week and going to the hottest night spots as well.  I lived and traveled in gorgeous crazy amazing places.  But I have learned to be humble (and save my money and others – haha).

My life is now devoted to my family, God, my friends, my spirituality (and my newly found gifts), work and most importantly – constantly improving and learning to love myself.  Oh wait, I forgot, and my little Didi (she makes a special appearance in this post later now hehe).

And yet, Archangel Ariel, reminds me by saying “Your materiel needs are provided as you follow your intuition and manifest your dreams into reality.” is that the there are still the basics that we need in life and as long as I follow my dreams and my goals in life, they will come to me.

Prosperity.  I have another project in the works.  Right now I have my design work, my card/crystal pendulum reading/healing and now…. *surprise* being a business partner with one of my best girl friends.  She just came to me with this offer today so I don’t want to say too much just yet (I also don’t know too much yet)

That’s the thing.  The less you go “I want I want I want” the more “You get you get you get”

A famous author was in an interview once and he was asked what he wanted in his next life… and he said “I want to be poor, ugly, sad, nothing, etc….”  The host was confused and questioned why he said that.  He replied, “Because the more you keep saying how much you want something, you tend not to get it.”

BUT I’m also not saying to NOT have goals.  You NEED goals! You just don’t have to feel sorry for yourself or think that you “deserve” the things you get.  You need to earn what you get for it to be true.  The people in the world who just take and take and get stuff because they feel entitled and without the sweat and work behind it, I feel sorry for them and they will never be happy.

Hard work = Success = Gratification and Happiness

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Today I watched the movie, finally, “Unbroken” – it teared me up, my hurt ached, but it made me more motivated than ever.  People who don’t know this true story of USA Olympian, who had sort of a “problem child” sort of childhood until he found his calling, running… the athlete Louis “Louie” Zamperini.

He then survived in a raft for 47 days after his bomber crash landed in the ocean during World War II.  When finally “rescued” he was sent to a series of Japanese prisoner of war camps.  He was tortured, belittled, etc…. but he never gave up hope and he kept on going.  There was a point in the movie where he wanted to kill the commanding officer of the camp.  A fellow prisoner said not to, and that the true revenge would be to survive this.

And he did.  And it was amazing, he and the other prisoners ended up being saved after the war ended and was brought back to America where he married, had kids, and even went back to Japan to forgive his captures. All but the commanding officer would meet him.  He knew that forgiveness was better than revenge.  He even went back to Japan to run in the Olympics when he was 80, carrying the torch.

He recently just passed in 2014.  He is truly an inspiration.  Never give up, no matter how hard you have it, if you believe, it will be better.  And don’t live with hate, it won’t make the world a better place and you will just be living your life with misery.

And with that said….

How can you not smile with this cute face around.  Stay positive, focused, love yourself, love others and all will be well!  It’s the simple things in life….

XOXO

BTW, I haven’t listened to this song in the longest time and it popped up on my iTunes the other day.

So one more last bit of advice… especially to the ones going thru hard relationships and break-ups right now.  You don’t need to be in a relationship.  You need to just love yourself and know that the ones who love you, love you and accept you for who you are.  Don’t let a significant other treat you wrong or try to change you.  Don’t give in to the negativity when you know deep down it’s wrong for you.  No one deserves that.

Love you all!!!

Monday, July 11 2016: Clairaudience

Today Archangel Zadkiel has told me to “Notice the loving guidance you hear inside you mind, or from other people.”

I’m sorry to people I’ve hurt and bless everyone, those who hate me and love me. I blame myself for all the stress I have caused on anyone and myself.  I am who I am today because of all of you.  Lessons have been learned.  Tears and smiles.  Butterflies in the stomach and heartbreaks.  First kisses and forever goodbyes. Bless everyone.

This trip and these “accidental” classes have not only brought me peace at heart, but I’ve released all the hurt and sadness and despair from my past.  All the anger and hate.  I’ve also learned a new gift.  One to heal, one to answer questions and to help and teach others.  My teacher, aka master, has also told me that I am already, just a month in, ready to go out on my own and help others.  I can speak to the spirits and the angels and I have seen them, God, my past and have seen the future.  I am no longer who I was a month and a half ago. [I say “accidental” because I was only supposed to see my teacher once, but she said she saw my gift and offered me to be an apprentice, a student, now she is ready to teach me how to teach others.]

Btw, I got a new trim, and color to my hair today, yay.. thinking of going lighter ombré… what do you guys think?

Today I asked my angel cards for help and wisdom to guide me today and of course, Michael and Gabriel came up, per usual. They are the best “guardian angels” ever. [BTW. have you guys seen the show Angel from Hell with Sarah Lynch? Most hilarious new show ever! I love her humor! She was amazing on Glee.  I hate that they’re canceling it due to a religious thing, relax guys.  It’s a show.]

That goes on to my next thing.  People need to relax, let loose.  Not get tangled up in a web that just causes more chaos and negativity.  You must think positive.  It’s like my card told me today.  Listen to myself,  my heart, and to those I love and who surround me and send tons of positivity my way.

I am a very lucky girl.  I have a ton of very loving family and friends, and even fans… you guys, yes all of you reading, or not, you guys have supported me, loved me, believed in me for so long – and I plan to always live up to it.  I am so appreciative, actually for everyone who has passed in my life, either who have stayed or left, because I am who I am now because of this. Fate. Karma.

Stay positive.  Bless everyone around you whether they treat you well or not.  And remember to always listen to your heart.  Oh and eat your heart out.

Dinner tonight at Din Tai Fun was uhhh 5+ steamers of xiao long baos [including sweet ones], tons of veggies, pork chops, chicken soup, bamboo, wine chicken, spicy cucumbers, etc etc etc…. there was a ton of food, and I still have a ton next to me that I ordered for a late night snack ;] Enjoy life.  You only live.. once, well, once that you remember [unless under hypnosis] – And yes, I saw a few past lives under hypnosis.

Good night ya’ll ;] LOVE YOU!  I’ll be in the States for a bit soon….. and I’ll also be back in Taiwan for awhile again, soon.

XOXO

 

Beautiful Changes

It’s strange the people you encounter in life. Some short lived and some long term…. both, unexpected. People I thought would always be in my life are now strangers to me, and those I thought would just be merely an acquaintance are now people I could not live without.

I have friends who I thought would be forever and now they have abandoned me. And yet, I meet new people who are the closest people I have ever come to be with. The more I am learning about my spirituality and becoming more and more in touch with my new sense, I have learned so much, grown so much, and believe in so much more in life, love, hope, gain, and trust.

Things can change in a blink of an eye, but always appreciate what you have in the present…. and always look optimistically towards the future. The future is what keeps us going. And once you find a great person to keep in your life… don’t take it for granted. I may have “few” but I feel “richer” and “greater” for them being in my life than I ever have.

For all the crap I have been through in my years…. I take it as what brought me to where I am today. They were tests and lessons I had to do to get me to where I am. And I regret nothing. I have let it all go, I’ve forgiven all who have wronged me, and mostly, I have forgiven myself and all the hate and sorrow I have had built up in me.

I have had many ups and downs in my life. Super highs and super lows. Days where I wanted to die, and even tried and days where I was on top of the world. I’ve dealt with several illnesses, mentally, physically, and emotionally. But I’ve conquered, and I am still conquering them all. I am so positive at this point in life. Where I am. Where I’ll be. I just want to tell the world, that while I usually represent one part of me on the internet, there is the other side of me too. We all suffer, we all have our demons, and we can all kill them, recover, be better, be our own heroes.

Never give up hope. Know that you are always loved, and there is always a way out of a dark place. Do what you can to help others do keep yourself in a positive place. I volunteer, help my friends, do what I can do those who are having a harder time than me…. just like those who were there for me every time I was in a dark low place. Be positive. Keep that smile. Stay in the sunshine, even when it’s raining.

I posted this the other day on my facebook [did a few typo/grammar editing on here]

Welcome to my JUNGLE

Normally I don’t write posts like this.  Or even the few posts that I have written…. things were easier when I just wrote about food and about how delicious or not so much, or disgusting they were.  But lately I just like writing about my life and how it’s been constantly changing and evolving…. forever changing.  And not so much in a good or bad or great way.  Just in a way, and the end result is just a constant surprise!

Updates.
1. I like someone.
2. I’m starting to like someone.
3. I’m OVER someone. But that was a given fact and that was proven awhile ago.
4. I’m getting fat. But happy fat. I think. I’m happy and eat. Not so happy I’m getting fat, but the food makes me happier than me being not so happy that I’m getting fat.
5. I need to move.  To where? I’m not sure.  I currently have an opportunity and possibility of moving to Philly or back to Taiwan, or just get a place in Boston.
6. I need a new tattoo. CRAVE ONE. What I need is a tattoo cover-up. So I guess two. Two new tattoos.
7. I miss being in a relationship and being in love.
8. I love being single and free from a relationship.
9. I have a lot of food in my room in this room in Taiwan. HA!
10. I dropped my phone in the toilet and I couldn’t find rice, so I crushed up dried ramen and stuck it in there. It worked. Phone is  FINE, and smells delicious. Yes, the toilet was clean.
11. I’m hungry as FUCK.

I need food…..

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xoxo, LOVE
Miss Tiffie

So welcome to the Jungle

Oh and, 12. I’m obsessed with the movie “How to Be Single”, I’ve watched it like over 20x…. in the past week.  Maybe more. Sad? Maybe. But the movie is SO true.  I think of back in the day watching Sex in the City. And now I’m fucking LIVING IT. Jeezus, Yeezus? HAHA I don’t even like Kanye, minus his music, I’m getting old.