positivity

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To all the shade and negativity being thrown my way lately, I just gotta say: I’m gonna shake it off.  Cuz haters gonna hate, but I’m still fabulous just the way I am.

It’s coming…

Once again another birthday is coming on upon me.  I used to go crazy and throw extravagant parties where I would get super dressed up, buy expensive outfits, go to fancy dinners and have crazy club/lounge parties.  Yes, one of them was at a circus-themed club.

As the years have passed, my parties have calmed down and been more casual, to the point where I just stopped and decided to spend my day relaxing.  Vegas with the girls became Maine with my dog. [I guess it’s still going somewhere with one of my “bitches” right? Hahaha…ok I found it funny in my head]

Lately, I’ve lost a lot of faith in friendship with friends, but I’ve also found out how strong some of my true friendships are.

I’ve gone through a lot in the past year and a half, tons of transitions, but in all of that I have been finding myself.  I spent a whole day crying the other day because I was so mad… not at realizing my friend wasn’t really my friend, but that I do so much for people and I never ask for anything back – and I get nothing back.  I realized I had to rethink who to trust, who to love, who to still talk to and who to just give up on.

I try too hard.

Thank you to everyone who was there for me to help me through that situation.

One of my friends, who usually isn’t usually into this emotional hoodoo voodoo stuff said to me “Tiffie, dear, it shouldn’t matter why you’re upset, the fact that you ARE upset is ALL that should matter to a true friend”  And it hit me. it’s true.  I was upset, and hit with reasons why I shouldn’t be upset because I was a worse person.  The whole conversation had nothing to do with who was a bad friend but that’s what it became.

I had written a whole blog post about it, but I’m not that person anymore to rant about that sort of stuff on here anymore.

The whole point of this post is that I’m not the same person I used to be.  Happy silly party girl.  I admit it, it’s sort of disgusting to look back on.  Even a few years ago I was buying designer bags and heels and dressing up every single day… now you’re lucky if you can get me to brush my hair, put on any makeup and wear contacts – HAHA!  Gross, I know… but I like to think of it being me comfortable with ME being ME.

And back to the whole friend thing up above… bye to the negativity in my life.  I keep the good, I don’t care about the bad.

Yup, still gonna say something. Ball is is her court for her to show what kind of person she is.

*Drops the mic*

PS. Arrow and The Flash are the best shows ever. Baby Driver is the best movie I’ve seen in forever.

The end.

What makes you “normal”?

One of my best friends asked me “What is normal?” the other day when I said that I wasn’t “normal”.  I told him that being normal was weird, because what is normal? WHAT IS NORMAL?

I’m not normal, I don’t think I ever have been.  For a brief moment in my life I wanted to be… seriously, it’s hilarious.  I wanted to be a cheerleader and “popular” and date the cutest guy in school.  But I was far from it.  I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast, I couldn’t dress, I was super awkward, but I was me.

I was the girl who begged my mom to go to a school dance and when I finally got to go to one, everyone had someone to dance with except me…  no one would touch me with a ten foot pole.  Totally scarring as a pre-teen, totally glad I didn’t dance with any of those gross guys now.

But, look at me now.  My past made me strong.  And my own mind kept my strength up.

My mother asked me today why I look so unhappy all the time lately… I was playing some game on my phone… I told her, I had a “sadness”.  She asked me, “What right do YOU have to have a sadness inside you?”  I didn’t answer her.  I don’t need to.  I don’t need to answer to anyone why I have this sadness in me… It’s been in me since I can remember.  I have a sadness but also a light; Which is why I still live on, strong, with hope and optimism.

There’s a sadness that has always been there, but I blame no one for it but myself for letting it linger.  I want no pity, no worry, no “special care” for it.  I know what’s wrong with me, that’s why I’m okay with who I am and why I can handle myself and take care of myself.

I am a stronger woman because of this.  And just because I have sadness that overcomes and consumes within me doesn’t mean I don’t have happiness that keeps me continuing on in life.

ps. I look cute today.

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Yay to 5 Seconds of Summer tank top, Harry Styles necklace and Liam Payne makeup.  I just tried the eyeshadows and lipgloss but it was fun.  Someone needs to teach me how to do makeup because I’m lazy AF about it and I know nothing about contouring.  Amanda,  you makeup guru, help me!

Discovering myself…

It’s hard to always stand up for yourself, let alone even know who you are as a person.  I’ve been going through a darkness, and at times I feel like I’m spiraling down that I can’t get out of it.  Deeper and deeper into the madness.  And not in the awesome Alice in Wonderland way, which I could kill to be in right now.  Things would make a lot more sense there.

But, I suppose, that’s what reality is.  Things don’t make sense.  Or maybe it does, or will, at the very end.  But when is this end.  I feel like I’m floating along, day by day, just living life like an empty shell.  I never imagined that I would ever know what that would feel like… but even at a young age I remember feeling empty and wanting to die.  I remember that day, that diary entry – in my Little Mermaid book – I was 8 and I had already lost hope.

I don’t blame those who have helped me become who I am today, but I blame myself for not being strong enough to endure it enough… or maybe too strong to not succumb to it and end the misery.

But lately I’m just numb. So much so, I’m physically numb, not just emotionally.  My mystery bruises manifest all over my body, I ache and my hands, feet and legs go numb.  Numb.  Is there even another good word for it?  It’s been awhile since my SATs.  *Chuckle* Doubt UrbanDictionary would help, but it would make me laugh.

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And I stand corrected.  I almost spit out my tea “I ran into a truck and din’t feel a thing!”  THEY DIDN’T EVEN USE “NUMB” IN THAT EXAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways.  I am feeling better, and sorry I’ve been using this blog to be ranting lately.  A lot of changes have been going on and in the works.  Been trying to better myself and make myself smile from the inside out more.  Thanks to those who read this, thanks to those who care, thanks to those who love me, those who understand me for being who I am and thanks to those who are unconditionally there for me.

I know I will rise like the Phoenix.

I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

Excess Flesh: a good look at the truth of eating disorders thru a crazy awesome movie

The first time I watched this movie I was just in for the horror and the gore… I had no idea it would hit me this much.  Being a recovered anorexic/bulimic I ended up being obsessed with this movie and looking up as many reviews as possible.  But yet, no one had the same perspective that I had on this movie… and no one interpreted it the same way I did.

Jennifer, a skinny sexy model who can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, is best friends with Jill, a normal sized chick who ends who binging and purging or starving for days… they are roommates and it’s a messed up relationship.

Jennifer is extroverted and sleeps around a lot while Jill is introverted and prefers to stay at home all day, but is an extra agent cook.  While Jennifer gorges on junk food, Jill starves herself all day until the middle of the night – which leads to regret, chewing and spitting, or purging. 

The friendship is very vioiatle and it focuses on people chewing and eating a lot – which, is actually quite disgusting. 

To me, unaccording to other critics and receivers… I believe that Jill and Jennifer are the same person. Jennifer is Jill’s inner “hungry” girl… while Jill is Jennifer’s inner “fat” girl (although they definitely did not chose an overweight actress to play the part)

There are lots of weird forced food and eating moments during the movie. Jill even locked Jennifer up and she escapes but the cops don’t even act like they are two people, just one… therefore why I think they ARE one person.

In the end, after she’s supposedly “dead”, Jennifer shows up to a casting call and they even say something of the likes of “oh it’s her again”… which makes me even more sure that that Jennifer and Jill are the same person.

I duno. Thoughts?

And so I sit here…

It’s 3:02AM EST time and I’m sitting here watching tv marathons and movies on iTunes and Netflix.  I just finished off a bowl of homemade nachos and guacamole and I’m about to go warm up some more spicy pulled pork I made earlier.  Has this become my life?  This could be the wine talking, or the wandering mind thinking… but this is definitely not where I thought I would be… a year ago, two, three, five, ten? What has happened?

It’s funny how things work. Weight gain made me sad. But I gained weight cuz I’ve been happy. But the weight gain makes me not want to move… so while I eat less, I move less. I’m still not happy with my body. But that could just be my eating disorder talking.  Always in recovery, never fully recovered.

You guys have been with me through so many ups and downs and yet you remain loyal.  So much gratitude.  Love, lust, heartbreaks. Breakdowns and highs. Parties and mournings.

The past year I have been basically mostly living in Taiwan and I’ve forgotten my love for cooking, almost.  I stopped caring a lot about things I used to be so passionate about and I have no real explanation for it… but it’s recently sparked up again.

I cooked duck the other day. And today I had a pulled pork burrito/taco night with pomegranate guacamole, spicy mango pico de gallo with roasted garlic and corn and an extremely spicy salsa verde… along with some yummy gooey blue corn chip nachos.  I started to feel alive again.  I started a cooking idea journal/notebook again…. mainly b/c I was planning to cook for C on his birthday… and while things got in the way, I still got MAD IDEAS to play on.

SO…. I have ideas of doing supper parties.  [And have talked with a chef friend or two about doing pop ups] – I want to, once I move out, host supper/dinner parties, first once a month, and then possibly once a week.  People can BYOB and tell me their diets…. or just leave it up to me.  Hopefully soon after team, up with chefs and cool wine people.

I have so many ambitions and ideas… I want to write, I want to travel, I want to cook, I want to go back to school…. and I want to film it all. I have a secret thing about wanting to be in front of a camera.

So maybe this is how this blog is evolving.  It went from food diary to healthy eating and recipes to eating out and traveling extravagantly …. and then just personal…. me finding my inner peace…. healing and now this.  My lifestyle. Ever evolving.

This blog is now: Finding the real Miss Tiffie.

Please join me in my journey.

Can you believe it’s February? 2017?

I have so many posts, “almost finished” on here…. I promise to post my New Years Eve dinner post tonight, but life has just been flying past me.

Swoooooshhhhhh….

I feel like this website needs a makeover, do-over, something.  It’s become more of a lifestyle blog than a food blog, although food still is my main love :]  But hey, the older you get, the more life gets in your way.  You grow, evolve… changes.

I’m trying this “healthy” approach to my snacking and randomly missing meals with RXBars and ProteinWorld smoothies… but hell, sometimes I just want my bag of chips to munch on.  My body doesn’t do too well with salty food, so I constantly crave it.  Ahhh, the irony.

2017 has been interesting. I was back in the States before Xmas 2016 but so much drama and blah blah blah… oh and BLAH!… Thankfully I’ve had great people to be there with me and for me [as me for them] during the times.  Love is in the air.  I love you my friends/family.

Anyways just wanna put it out there, I shall be blogging more, cooking more [hopefully]  and I hope I haven’t lost a ton of you….  especially since I’ve been back and forth from Asia and America so much – still figuring out where I wanna end up living at for a “time” or just stick with traveling everywhere :] OK… time to finish my plan for tomorrow’s menu and my NYE Dinner blog post that’s long overdue.

xo always,

I’m back bitches!!!!!!!!

Tiffie

PS. Patriots are DA FUGGING CHAMPIONS……AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This year’s superbowl was unforgettable and epic. Tom Brady for life <3 You know what else was on fire? The wings I made for Superbowl Sunday. Scotch bonnet, garlic, shallots, pineapple, etc…. FIRE <3 Fire like Brady was!!!!! Holla!

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FU

I lol’d

I got two letters for you

One of them is F
The other one is U

Moonlight Sonata – Beethoven

I’ve been obsessed with this song lately… and it’s probably gonna make me go back to playing the piano again…. which has been a few years that I’ve played magic with the keys.  I recently told a close friend that this is the perfect song of beauty and tragedy… when I die, I want to die to this song.  It makes my heart soar and wilt at the same time.  Is that possible?  I don’t think he understood and just felt I was being morbid.  “Fuck tragedy” and “I’ll probably never see you again” was what he said.  It burns. I’ve been going through a lot right now… and one of my closest and dearest,who knows what has been going on with me, says that to me?  Fuel to the fire.

I find the saddest music the most beautiful in the world?  Is that wrong of me?  Finding beauty in sorrow… I think that’s when truth comes out.  When you can show your sorrow to the world… and it’s transformed to this whole new creation of feelings.  It understands my pain, all the hurt built up inside of me and just makes it the most gorgeous thing.  This is not a suicide note, there is more to my life than just this.

….I just need a moment.