Insomnia vs Chronic Fatigue

For many years now I’ve been battling between the two. My chronic pain hasn’t been helping either, it either helps with not sleeping, or just continuously sleeping for long periods of time.

Sleeping at 30 min-1 hr intervals, waking up at specific times throughout the night and day… not knowing how much time has past… sometimes I feel like a zombie.

I am part vampire and part zombie. If you know me, you get the joke, but also know it’s not a joke.

I have 4cm of dead in my hip aka zombie and I’m anemic, vitamin D deficient aka vampire. I’m a night owl… but I also wake up at 4:30am.

I keep on living even though I’m in pain, because who has time for sleep?

I don’t know what I’m typing anymore.

Watch “My Brilliant Life”, it was amazing… appreciate every second of your life and everyone loving around you.

Goodnight friends.

Eating habits vs Emotions

As someone who has battled an eating disorder since… well most of my life… while it has been on and off… I’ve recently self-discovered what it’s like to be in control of my feelings towards foods. Fears and all…

It’s hard. Some days I don’t think of it at all and just eat what I want, whatever I want, how ever much I want… but then I have days where even a single grain of rice will terrify me.

Lately, I’ve been eating when hungry, and making sure that my meals are balanced. A lot has happened in this past year, to the point where I almost died, but being in rehab for my disability and my continual treatments and doctor work has really helped me get better.

It’s a beautiful thing for me to just enjoy life this way. I absolutely LOVE food and so having fear towards it was the absolute worst. Imagine rejecting the most delectable food because you feared it. It wasn’t because of weight gain or anything, it was a fear of losing control.

Recently a lot of things have happened in my life that has stressed me out completely. I’ve had a severe loss of appetite and also my taste buds seems too have changed [no, I didn’t get covid, knock on wood] I don’t sleep well and I have no appetite. The fear of my life long eating disorder creeping back up scares me, so I force myself to eat, even a bit, every day.

The struggle is real. I can eat a lot, a lot!!!! And I LOVE food, but I can also not eat, for days on end. Hence why I’ve got hospitalized last year, and why I’ve been sick a lot. As soon as I lose my appetite, if I don’t want to eat, I won’t.

This time it’s different… I make sure I eat, no matter how much or little it is. I eat to the point where I won’t feel sick… whether it be two bites or ten… whatever will keep me functioning. I think that’s why my shoulder, broken, should’ve taken 10 months to heal, did in 4. I ate incredibly well in Taiwan, gained no weight and was so happy eating my three huge filling meals a day.

I’ll admit, I lost weight when I came back … but come on, who wouldn’t… Taiwan food is the best! You can get anything delicious you want, whenever you want. BUT…

I’m still doing my best to make sure I eat. My veggies, fruits, protein and carbs, every meal. Even though sometimes I might feel “out of control” eating more of something delicious… like cakes and ice cream… I LOVE pie [and I found a whole pie in the fridge my mom secretly bought for me EEEE~~~~~~~ my favorite type of pie] I feel happy that I feel in control of my feelings and my life.

Maybe that’s what it has always been. No control over my life made me feel like I needed to control my food. Which is why it has always been so on and off.

Why am I writing this at 4 in the morning? I was watching YouTube food videos [hahaha…specifically Woongei… go watch him, he’s so cute and can eat so much… HAI BE MY BF!?!?!]

No but seriously. I need to stop having how I eat reflected on how I feel. Especially when I eat it makes me happy… I need to keep it that way.

What makes you happy? Music, Food… Gummies… Lollipops…My cat… dancing around my house… road trips… my piano… the beach…my blank is from when I was 3. Memories of Didi… the smell of autumn leaves, and the first snowfall of the season. Christmas… which is why I always have Christmas lights up and my mini Xmas tree… surprises. Anything so funny that I laugh til I cry…

I want to forever only cry from laughter and happiness and no more tears of sadness…

So it’s been awhile…

If you guys follow me on instagram, you know about my past year, difficulties with health and also how, after 2.5 years, went on a trip to Taiwan… on April 1st [haha]…

Lots of things happened and a lot did… if you don’t know, I left America, where the pandemic is dying down, to go to Taiwan, which previously was worldwide pride of keeping counts down, was going so so so high. Given my immune system and everyone scared of everyone, I ate out twice… was quarantined for almost a month when I first got there… [ok 11 days in hotel, 7 days in the apt]… and got a haircut and shopped once. Most of the time I go massage treatments and just hung out at home watching crappy china horror movies [don’t judge].

Nevertheless it WAS nice being in a different environment, and I ate VERY well, pretty much everything I set out to eat… but it was home cooked or takeout… quarantine food was excellent, I shall do a post about that sometime…

But the end of the trip… didn’t end well… and funnily enough it all happened on Friday the 13th, go figure. I had nightmares and extreme discomfort for a few days prior… people say I have a sixth sense. Whatever it was, I knew something wasn’t gonna go well…

And it didn’t… but thankfully I’m back in America with my demon cat baby, who just turned 1 on the day of my arrival, May 20! So all seems to be pretty positive. Most of the time. Even my broken shoulder is miraculously working almost 100% [my PT is proud]

And now here I am 2:38AM, took a long hot shower, wearing a face mask and awaiting another week of doctors, dentists, PT, therapy… and while I got used to it… the past few days I’ve been feeling really really down….

I think I might clean. Anyone do that? Negative thoughts = cleaning or sleeping … hahaha… we’ll see what I end up doing, just wanted to post a little random thoughts from my mind…

Xoxo

Update on the Health…. I need help!!!!

People who have been following me on all my other social medias have known that my health has recently gotten a little dip.  I sort of think it was stemming from living in my apt in Taiwan the last trip, because my first symptoms of edema [swollen feet and ankles and sometimes legs] started after it, when I went to Florida [DISNEY!!!!]

I was fine back at home in Boston minus some foot pains occasionally or if I ate things that were too salty….

Coming to Taiwan, most of the trip my legs/feet were fine until I got to Hong Kong.  But even  when I arrived to Taiwan, some swelling would come but I’d drink liquids, flush it out and elevate my legs to help it.

In Japan, I walked a lot and it was actually quite ok.  It wasn’t until I came back to Taiwan and started getting my surgeries [small things, ear, belly button, leg] and taking antibiotics that my health really deteriorated.  And then I found out that the sides of my bed [It’s up against the wall] underneath had NOT been cleaned out in forever and it was thick black crusted mold, dust, cockroaches, crap, etc. — waa Taiwan, the land of humidity and dirty air…. and fucking cockroaches dying under my bed.

I actually went to the hospital and ER a few times and contemplating going again tonight or tmw morning to ER to get a second opinion.  My blood circulation pills and another weird pill helped a little but I still had so much pain.

SO, yesterday I got a new mattress and fully cleaned out the grossness surrounding my bed which I’ve sucked in for months and months… gag… and hopefully that’ll help.  I also found lists of things to avoid eating when puffy… basically meats [esp beef waa – I was craving it], dairy, fats, nuts, seeds, shellfish, anything oily buttery…. cold raw fruits and veg… waaaa what do I eat?!?!

But at least they have a nice list of things I can eat… adzuki bean congee, soybeans, barley, pumpkin, chicken, barley, parsley, clams, pineapple, grapes, soybeans, scallions, vinegar, seaweeds, watermelon, zucchinni, etc… I’ll post pics of the screen captions I got.

Does anyone have experience with this?  I’m in so much pain.  Any help would be a big help!!! Thanks!!!!

I’ve been crying a lot from the frustration and pain.

Excess Flesh: a good look at the truth of eating disorders thru a crazy awesome movie

The first time I watched this movie I was just in for the horror and the gore… I had no idea it would hit me this much.  Being a recovered anorexic/bulimic I ended up being obsessed with this movie and looking up as many reviews as possible.  But yet, no one had the same perspective that I had on this movie… and no one interpreted it the same way I did.

Jennifer, a skinny sexy model who can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, is best friends with Jill, a normal sized chick who ends who binging and purging or starving for days… they are roommates and it’s a messed up relationship.

Jennifer is extroverted and sleeps around a lot while Jill is introverted and prefers to stay at home all day, but is an extra agent cook.  While Jennifer gorges on junk food, Jill starves herself all day until the middle of the night – which leads to regret, chewing and spitting, or purging. 

The friendship is very vioiatle and it focuses on people chewing and eating a lot – which, is actually quite disgusting. 

To me, unaccording to other critics and receivers… I believe that Jill and Jennifer are the same person. Jennifer is Jill’s inner “hungry” girl… while Jill is Jennifer’s inner “fat” girl (although they definitely did not chose an overweight actress to play the part)

There are lots of weird forced food and eating moments during the movie. Jill even locked Jennifer up and she escapes but the cops don’t even act like they are two people, just one… therefore why I think they ARE one person.

In the end, after she’s supposedly “dead”, Jennifer shows up to a casting call and they even say something of the likes of “oh it’s her again”… which makes me even more sure that that Jennifer and Jill are the same person.

I duno. Thoughts?

The China Melamine Milk Scare

I got this in an email today so I thought I’d share it with everyone. I know it’s affected me and has made me kinda paranoid about what to eat/buy (I’ve basically just been avoiding buying China food products in general now, not that I do, just a snack here and there – like my beloved KOALA bears :[ pout* I had to throw all mine out)

I did NOT write what’s below the line, I just wanted to pass the info along to people who hasn’t been reading up much on it (or haven’t heard about it at all?!?!.. if there is anyone)

___________________________________________________

China milk poisoning incidents make everyone afraid to look at the daily news report.

Everyday, the reports are changing. No one can clearly tell us what to eat and what not to eat.

1.What really is poisoned milk?

It is milk powder mixed with ‘MELAMINE’

What is Melamine used for? 

It is an industrial chemical used in the production of melawares.
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It is also used in home decor – i.e.kitchens.

We all MUST understand that Melamine is used in INDUSTRIAL PRODUCTION 

  – – – – – it CANNOT be eaten.

2.Why is Melamine added to milk powder?

The most important nutrient in milk is protein.

And, Melamine has this same protein that contains ‘NITROGEN’

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Adding Melamine into milk reduces the actual milk content required,  

and therefore it is cheaper than all milk.   So it lowers the capital required 

in the production of milk products.  Therefore it earns the business man more profit!

Below is Melamine; doesn’t it look like milk / milk powder?
It doesn’t have any smell, so cannot be detected.
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3.When was it discovered that it had been added to milk products? 

In 2007,  US cats and dogs died suddenly. It was  found that their pet food from China contained Melamine.

Early in 2008, in China , an abnormal increase in infant cases of kidney stones was reported.

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In August 2008,  China Sanlu Milk Powder tested positive for Melamine 

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Sept. 2008,  the New Zealand government asked China to investigate this problem
Sept. 21, 2008
, they found that many food products in Taiwan tested for Melamine

4.What happens when Melamine ingested and digested?

Melamine remains inside the kidneys. It forms into stones blocking the tubes. 
Pain will be imminent and the person cannot urinate. Kidney(s) will then swell.
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Although surgery can remove the stones, it may cause irreversible kidney damage.   
It can lead to the loss of kidney function, which will require on-going kidney dialysis; or lead to death 
because of uremia.

What is dialysis?  In fact, it should be called ‘blood washing’; it is filtering all of the body’s blood into 
a machine and then returning the blood back to the body.

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A dialysis machine

The whole process takes 4 hours; and it is necessary to have dialysis

once every 3 days for the rest of your life.

Below:  A dialysis center
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Why is the contamination much more serious in babies?   

A baby’s kidneys are so very small and they drink a lot of milk powder. 

China currenty has 13,000 infants hospitalized

It does not matter how much Melamine a human being ingested (ate) (took). 

The important point is:    ‘MELAMINE CANNOT BE  EATEN!’

5.What foods are to be avoided?

Foods from China that contain dairy products should be avoided.
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Remember:
Anything chinese-looking and milky/creamy (as above)

Also
6.Which companies are affected?

Hereunder are the companies affected with Melamine.

———————————————————

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7.What do we do next?

Avoid the above foods for at least six months.
 
If you own or operate a snack bar, a restaurant, or a coffee shops, etc.,

stop selling dairy products for the meantime.

If you have infants at home, change to mother’s milk or find other substitutes.

Finally, share this information with friends so they will understand the risk of milk poisoning. 

The whole world needs to know of  “Made In China” ‘black-hearted’ goods.

 

Do you know how to tell which products are made in

the USA, or in the Philippines, in Taiwan, or in China?

Here’s How: 

The first 3 digits of the barcode identify the country code

wherein the product was made. 

For Example:   ALL barcodes that start with 690, 691, 692,  etc. up to and including 695 are all MADE IN CHINA.
 
Barcodes starting with 471 are on products Made in Taiwan. 



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Taiwanese barcode

You have a right to know.  But government and related departments

never inform or educate the public. Therefore we must educate ourselves,

be vigilant, and RESCUE ourselves.

Today, Chinese businessmen know that consumers will not select products

‘Made in China’.  So, they make every effort not to show or state the country

of origin on their products.   However, you can now refer to the barcode.  

DO remember if the first 3 digits are one of those between 690 and 695 inclusive then it is a product Made in China . 

OTHER BARCODES:
00 ~ 13 USA & CANADA 
30 ~ 37 FRANCE
 
40 ~ 44 GERMANY
 
49 ~ JAPAN
 
50 ~ UK
 
57 ~ Denmark
 
64 ~ Finland
 
76 ~ Switzerland and Liechtenstein
 
628 ~ Saudi-Arabia
 
629 ~ United Arab Emirates 
740 ~ 745 – Central America
 

All 480 Codes are Made in the Philippines. 

Please inform your family and friends.   

Be aware!  And help others to be aware!