So it’s been awhile…

If you guys follow me on instagram, you know about my past year, difficulties with health and also how, after 2.5 years, went on a trip to Taiwan… on April 1st [haha]…

Lots of things happened and a lot did… if you don’t know, I left America, where the pandemic is dying down, to go to Taiwan, which previously was worldwide pride of keeping counts down, was going so so so high. Given my immune system and everyone scared of everyone, I ate out twice… was quarantined for almost a month when I first got there… [ok 11 days in hotel, 7 days in the apt]… and got a haircut and shopped once. Most of the time I go massage treatments and just hung out at home watching crappy china horror movies [don’t judge].

Nevertheless it WAS nice being in a different environment, and I ate VERY well, pretty much everything I set out to eat… but it was home cooked or takeout… quarantine food was excellent, I shall do a post about that sometime…

But the end of the trip… didn’t end well… and funnily enough it all happened on Friday the 13th, go figure. I had nightmares and extreme discomfort for a few days prior… people say I have a sixth sense. Whatever it was, I knew something wasn’t gonna go well…

And it didn’t… but thankfully I’m back in America with my demon cat baby, who just turned 1 on the day of my arrival, May 20! So all seems to be pretty positive. Most of the time. Even my broken shoulder is miraculously working almost 100% [my PT is proud]

And now here I am 2:38AM, took a long hot shower, wearing a face mask and awaiting another week of doctors, dentists, PT, therapy… and while I got used to it… the past few days I’ve been feeling really really down….

I think I might clean. Anyone do that? Negative thoughts = cleaning or sleeping … hahaha… we’ll see what I end up doing, just wanted to post a little random thoughts from my mind…

Xoxo

Discovering myself…

It’s hard to always stand up for yourself, let alone even know who you are as a person.  I’ve been going through a darkness, and at times I feel like I’m spiraling down that I can’t get out of it.  Deeper and deeper into the madness.  And not in the awesome Alice in Wonderland way, which I could kill to be in right now.  Things would make a lot more sense there.

But, I suppose, that’s what reality is.  Things don’t make sense.  Or maybe it does, or will, at the very end.  But when is this end.  I feel like I’m floating along, day by day, just living life like an empty shell.  I never imagined that I would ever know what that would feel like… but even at a young age I remember feeling empty and wanting to die.  I remember that day, that diary entry – in my Little Mermaid book – I was 8 and I had already lost hope.

I don’t blame those who have helped me become who I am today, but I blame myself for not being strong enough to endure it enough… or maybe too strong to not succumb to it and end the misery.

But lately I’m just numb. So much so, I’m physically numb, not just emotionally.  My mystery bruises manifest all over my body, I ache and my hands, feet and legs go numb.  Numb.  Is there even another good word for it?  It’s been awhile since my SATs.  *Chuckle* Doubt UrbanDictionary would help, but it would make me laugh.

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And I stand corrected.  I almost spit out my tea “I ran into a truck and din’t feel a thing!”  THEY DIDN’T EVEN USE “NUMB” IN THAT EXAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways.  I am feeling better, and sorry I’ve been using this blog to be ranting lately.  A lot of changes have been going on and in the works.  Been trying to better myself and make myself smile from the inside out more.  Thanks to those who read this, thanks to those who care, thanks to those who love me, those who understand me for being who I am and thanks to those who are unconditionally there for me.

I know I will rise like the Phoenix.

I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

Excess Flesh: a good look at the truth of eating disorders thru a crazy awesome movie

The first time I watched this movie I was just in for the horror and the gore… I had no idea it would hit me this much.  Being a recovered anorexic/bulimic I ended up being obsessed with this movie and looking up as many reviews as possible.  But yet, no one had the same perspective that I had on this movie… and no one interpreted it the same way I did.

Jennifer, a skinny sexy model who can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, is best friends with Jill, a normal sized chick who ends who binging and purging or starving for days… they are roommates and it’s a messed up relationship.

Jennifer is extroverted and sleeps around a lot while Jill is introverted and prefers to stay at home all day, but is an extra agent cook.  While Jennifer gorges on junk food, Jill starves herself all day until the middle of the night – which leads to regret, chewing and spitting, or purging. 

The friendship is very vioiatle and it focuses on people chewing and eating a lot – which, is actually quite disgusting. 

To me, unaccording to other critics and receivers… I believe that Jill and Jennifer are the same person. Jennifer is Jill’s inner “hungry” girl… while Jill is Jennifer’s inner “fat” girl (although they definitely did not chose an overweight actress to play the part)

There are lots of weird forced food and eating moments during the movie. Jill even locked Jennifer up and she escapes but the cops don’t even act like they are two people, just one… therefore why I think they ARE one person.

In the end, after she’s supposedly “dead”, Jennifer shows up to a casting call and they even say something of the likes of “oh it’s her again”… which makes me even more sure that that Jennifer and Jill are the same person.

I duno. Thoughts?

Just Believe…

It is so nice to be acknowledged of my growing skills.  Ever since learning I had a gift, my life has improved so much.  My close friends and family also see it within me, as has my teacher.  I’m praying more, meditating more, work has gone better than ever for me.  My health is doing better, my belief and my positivity has grown.

Before I had a kind heart, but a hurt one, a broken one and it took growing my gift to truly heal it.  Before I could smile on the outside but would be crying on the inside… but not I smile from within, and I can feel the warmth and the glow.

Today I did a reading for my dad, he was a bit reluctant at first but then he caved in.  He asked me questions only he had answers to and I answered them all correctly.  He now believes.  I also asked to heal a body part of his and prayed for Archangel Raphael, one who heals the body and health, to come to his side and to help him.  After the reading I was stunned that not only was, the usual Gabriel and Michael by my side but so was Raphael.  He had come to me when I called for him.

The more you believe.  The more you learn.  The more I open up my heart and my mind to the angels and the spirits I let them speak to me, talk to me, through me and the more I can help myself and others.

This card, also related to Arielle’s.  I am so glad that the angels are telling me that I have a gift.  I have only tried communication with the departed for a little while, but I also feel like “departed” loves ones also mean those who are not waling on earth, meaning all spiritual things around me.

There have been a few challenges that have come up but I have been strong and have been trying to beat through them.  It’s tiresome, hurtful and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that I shouldn’t and deep down I don’t.  I was told, only I can help and make this work… to help heal a wounded soul is difficult.  But it’s a challenge I am willing to take on.

Oh ho ho. New people in my life, eh?  Today I did a tarot reading, a new way, with my teacher and my card came out as Lovers.  Will this be the year that I find “The One” and not the oh constantly “Wrong One”? Haha.  We shall see, but this card makes me smile.

But like I always say, it’ll come to you.  Yo don’t need to seek it out.  But I am always open to new, good, people in my life.

XOXO

Thursday, July 27 2016… All is well… I’m on the right path 

I’ve never had Archangel Metatron as one of the angels that I counted on [I think Supernatural might have been an influence haha]  But I do need to clean my chakras lately since a lot of negativity has been TRYING to influence me.  They haven’t, but they have latched up onto me.

It feels good to feel safe.  Worrying can take over someone’s life and change them completely…  I have recently taken upon a lot of new ventures in jobs and opportunities which may get crazy busy, but I absolutely love it.

Oh my Angel Gabrielle…. always there for me.  I don’t have much more to say than yes, I have my insecurities… I am scared sometimes and I have my doubts, but I know that I can trust on my angels, and especially my guardian angel, to help me out.

This just reinforces the fact that me taking on all of these new ventures was a great thing for me.  I just had a long day of work…. and just finished up some work on Blue Lotus.  I am extremely excited and I just have so many ideas and things I wanna do for the company!

I have not been afraid to express what I want for us and my lovely partner is so great to taking it in and accepting my advice and help.  This is the best partnership to happen and… seriously?!… We be #ladybosses or is it #bossladies?  Either way… Just doing what I wanna do, cuz I gotta do.  All of it.

#DoYouBlue?

This does happen a lot, and thank you for letting me being aware.  This happens a lot, it’s definitely something one should always think about.  Sometimes your mind can be clouded by the good advice that is right in front of your face.  Whatever it is that you want, go for it.  Don’t just always think about it, truly go for it, and it will come to you.

I know. I am your example. [insert me in a weird photo]

This is my spiritual gifts.  And it has been helping me a lot.  Learning that I have a lot more to me than I ever thought I have is jut an amazing thing.I can get what I want by knowing what I want, going for what I want, and REALLY going for it. Nothing can stop me.  I know it, NOTHING EVER can stop me.  And whoever tries to get in my way, be warned.

Learning all about the readings, healings and opening up to my natural gift has changed my life forever. I am more in touch with my spirituality, I don’t get mad, I might still wanna get even, but the anger has gone…. the hatred has lifted…. those are just petty things to me that are not worth my valuable time on this earth.

When I am upset, I go to my readings, my cards, my bible, my crystals… or I’ll message my teacher/mentor to talk to.  I am so grateful and thankful for my special gifts, it’s something I always felt in touch with since I was a young child, and I’m glad someone finally saw that in me and wanted to teach me how to use my “powers”.

I get what I want.  Because I deserve it.

This is the best card I’ve gotten today… “Look Inside Yourself” this is the first time I’ve used my fairy cards [I think, at least posted about it] and they are spot on.  I always have lived my life for others… and those others never cared for me.  I’ve lost so much time and life on not living just for me.  I am living for me… I’ve been looking inside myself and seeing WHT I want and going straight for it.  I have goals, and you should too.  Don’t forget to trust your gut instinct and don’t forget that YOU are IMPORTANT too, and even more so.

Look inside yourself…. and love yourself.

Sunday, July 24 2016: It’s begun… Changes and a BBQ

Dear Archangel Sandalphon for telling me that “We angels bring you gifts from your Creator.  Open your arms to receive.”  It’s nice to know that positive things are coming my way.  That’s what I think of when I think of getting gifts from angels and God.

The gifts from God and now changes… it all leans towards, to me, a positive future.  These have to do with changes in my life, the people around me, those I keep, those I keep away… and also my choices in life.  Lately, I’ve been stepping out of my boundaries and comfort zones.  I’ve changed so much in so many aspects of my life, it’s actually quite interesting just looking back at everything.  I’m being more social lately, instead of being a hermit (hehe I am) and going to alumni events, social events, work events, all sorts of things…  and it’s just making me so happy.  Work hard, “play” hard – and just me being me. I refuse to let any guy to change me anymore.

A guy from my past is putting my on blast (haha holla at my rhymes) but I refuse to let negativity and bad words, cursing, and obsessive overthinking get to me. Cut. Done. Gone.

I was reminded to Release and Surrender… it’s so strange how my daily card readings are so related.  “We shower you with our blessings of our radiant love.  Open your arms, and release the challenges that you’ve held tightly gripped within your hands.  Open your hands, arms, and heart to our love and assistance.”  I have been very open to everything that has been happening,, will be happening… I’ve definitely let everything go and let everything in.  And always with a positive outlook, or else how do you live your life?  In constant fear?  In constant darkness and negativity?  Open up your mind, challenges and change can mean positiveness.

[My] destiny is to blossom, to shine, to transform to an ever-greater light.

Well thanks.  That’s quite the amazing advice to give me.  I feel like my future is brighter and ever-growing than ever.  I have never felt this bright, in the light, this positive and happy in my life – ever.

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BTW, look at the cuties, aside from Didi, that I got to hang out with this afternoon at my work’s BBQ outing!!!!

And why does Didi look like this?

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She finally learned how to swim today… she swam a few circles in the lake – it was so freaking hot – and she was SOOOOO adorable!!!!… my tiny little cute furbaby

Change. Practice. Progress. Action.

It has been quite a change lately.  Since I have moved back to America, I totally changed… it really hit me, especially with all the drama that came with it afterward.

Change. Change.  Change.  It’s such a great thing, change.  I used to joke about how “I don’t like change” but in fact, I love it.  It was a joke to me because I love tradition, but not BAD “tradition”.  Negativity is a no-no, especially now that I’ve found my own voice.

And now, after spending a month and a half in Taiwan re-finding my spirituality, healing my soul, my past, and learning my new gift… I came back to Boston with so many new things.  Not only do I design, and do readings for people, I am now Co-CEO of Blue Lotus with one of my longest besties!

I am a whole new person, and a very go-go-get it one.

Practice makes Perfect, isn’t that what people always say?  So I’m just working hard at my new ventures.  Not only just job wise but even spirituality.  Do what  you do and do it well… get it done.  Just go for what you want, go for it, go for it, go for it, and you will get to it!

It’s crazy, I got this card again in the past few days… but it’s true.  It’s telling me that my progress is good, but I still have to keep going step by step.  I can’t rush it at all.

Honestly it was really crazy that these cards kept talking to me today.  And they are all related.  I just know, I need to know what I want and go for it, head on.  Slow and steady, we will always reach our goals!…. YES GOALS!  Don’t ever just have one goal in life, have many…. constantly…. and always go for them…. and even when you reach one, add another goal.  Or else, what is the point in life?

I dated a guy before, and he told me that he was content where he was.  No goals, told me I’d always be the breadwinner.  REALLY? Ultimately, I broke up with him on our anniversary.  Always have goals, always reach to be better, always DO BETTER!  You are great, but there is always a better you, even the Dalai Lama can improve.  And I’m sure, if questioned, he would say it too.

I hate drama and it does hurt my confidence.  I am blessed to be constantly surrounded by people who live by amazing honest lives.  Maturity.  Honesty.  Selflessness.  They remind me that people can be good and gracious… loving, caring, even despite all of the disasters in my life.  I forgive.  I strive to be one just like them…

I need to be me.  I am me.  Love me for me.  Accept who I am.  Because I do.

This is a secret joke between my “teacher/mentor” and I.  She had a student who always spent too much money when they got this card.  We had a chuckle.  Thanks, Archangel Metatron for reminded me of my love for children [and possibly spending too much money? FYI, I didn’t spend a cent today LOL] I say this has a lot to do with me and my furbaby Didi today.  We had a lot of time together today.  I love her, just like I would love all my babies.  Just like I adore all children.

OK it’s not midnight yet, hopefully I don’t buy anything online, HAHAHAHAHA.

XOXO

ps. I’m so hungry :[

Slowly and steady wins the race.

Today I picked the Clairsentience card.  Archangel Raguel said to me to “Notice your recurring physical and emotional feelings, as they signify Divine guidance.”  It makes made me super aware of my surroundings, things I constantly do over and over again, feelings and emotions, and also the actions of those around me and how it affected me.

It was important to constantly be aware of what’s around you at all times and what is going on.  Staying away from the negative will keep you in positivity – and never forget that you are constantly being watched over and guided spiritually.

Over a month ago, I was so full of negativity energy I couldn’t see clearly.  I was in such a bad place in my life and even took on everyone else close in my life’s negative energy, despite the outside smiles I was breaking inside and weighed down, but once I purged all of it out of my life – I literally feel lighter.  I was just so much more positive and happy in my life.

Slowly and steady wins the race.  I feel like my trip to Taiwan has really let me grow, change a lot, for the better.  I’m so much stronger of a person now and while I’m still on this journey since I’ve been back, I’m going in the right direction.

Step by step. Inch by inch.  No matter the crawl…. the more you go forward the farther you get in life.

Sorry I had to. Love you guys <3 NKOTB

Dear Heart,

What are you trying to tell me?  You’re telling me that everything is gonna be okay.  What am I not getting at and seeing?  You’ve been stabbed, manipulated, torn apart, hurt, broken, in love, in pain, everything…. and yet you still keep secrets from me.  Teach me, please, teach me how to listen to what you have to say to me.  I’ve already learned so much from my past, but there is always more things to learn.

Sometimes everyone needs to take a step back and ask themselves what their heart is saying to them and figure out what they truly want.  The truth is there, the future is there.  It will never change, but one sees only what they want to see, but you need to learn how to see what is truly there.

“Love actually is all around” – Love Actually

That’s something we need to learn.  But love can hurt, and it can be happiness. That’s also something we need to learn.  To truly love is to have lost… to be loved and to love others, you need to first fully love yourself.

“Notice how the moon affects your energy and manifestations, and capitalize upon these cycles.”

Things are ever changing… and yet somethings are like Groundhogs Day over and over again. Déjà vu over and over. Today was a great day, Archangel Haniel, thank you for bringing me this.  I have noticed how things I do affect my life in certain ways and it keeps happening over and over again.  There are the negative things and then the positive and I am staying focused on the positive part.

So here I am…. realizing the things in my life that are going on…. and I will continue, conquer and live my life and be happy.

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Before I forget I just want to mention something I saw today…. I pray that this forest fire that was on Mass Pike didn’t do more harm than what I already saw.  The pics do no justice it covered a pretty big chunk by the highway – I’m guessing from the extreme heat (95+) and as we slowly passed it the flames just got bigger and bigger.  Strangely, I saw NO cops, NO fire engines, NADA!  What?  And I saw NO news about it tonight while checking on my phone.  So weird.  Hope the damage wasn’t too bad.

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And now for a little fun.  Because who wants to end a blog post with something scary and negative, right?

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I had a very mother/daughter bonding session today.  With not only my own mother and I, but Didi and I as well.  Pets make people happier, live longer, stay healthier…. you laugh more.  They’re just your own little babies – forever.  And I love my little furbaby.  It’s funny because I have been considering getting some more cats/puppies to give Didi some company.  That or do more work at the shelter I work at.

I was gonna go to a “YappyHour” – get it? GET IT? ^_____^ in town today but it was way too hot for an outdoor event and Didi would totally get sick from the heat.  I drove by the event and saw that it was practically empty. Hello!!!??? Excessive heat caused a forest fire today!  I hope they reschedule because it sounds like fun and great to meet new people.

And remember people…. adopt a rescue animal!  There are tons in need of homes because of many situations, a lot of them bad, so please, open up your heart – it’s a win-win situation!

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Didi and I on our walk in her new stroller… and me catching Pokémon! Hahahahahaha…. WE GOT TO CATCH THEM ALL!!!!!

XOXO

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