Discovering myself…

It’s hard to always stand up for yourself, let alone even know who you are as a person.  I’ve been going through a darkness, and at times I feel like I’m spiraling down that I can’t get out of it.  Deeper and deeper into the madness.  And not in the awesome Alice in Wonderland way, which I could kill to be in right now.  Things would make a lot more sense there.

But, I suppose, that’s what reality is.  Things don’t make sense.  Or maybe it does, or will, at the very end.  But when is this end.  I feel like I’m floating along, day by day, just living life like an empty shell.  I never imagined that I would ever know what that would feel like… but even at a young age I remember feeling empty and wanting to die.  I remember that day, that diary entry – in my Little Mermaid book – I was 8 and I had already lost hope.

I don’t blame those who have helped me become who I am today, but I blame myself for not being strong enough to endure it enough… or maybe too strong to not succumb to it and end the misery.

But lately I’m just numb. So much so, I’m physically numb, not just emotionally.  My mystery bruises manifest all over my body, I ache and my hands, feet and legs go numb.  Numb.  Is there even another good word for it?  It’s been awhile since my SATs.  *Chuckle* Doubt UrbanDictionary would help, but it would make me laugh.

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And I stand corrected.  I almost spit out my tea “I ran into a truck and din’t feel a thing!”  THEY DIDN’T EVEN USE “NUMB” IN THAT EXAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways.  I am feeling better, and sorry I’ve been using this blog to be ranting lately.  A lot of changes have been going on and in the works.  Been trying to better myself and make myself smile from the inside out more.  Thanks to those who read this, thanks to those who care, thanks to those who love me, those who understand me for being who I am and thanks to those who are unconditionally there for me.

I know I will rise like the Phoenix.

I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

Just Believe…

It is so nice to be acknowledged of my growing skills.  Ever since learning I had a gift, my life has improved so much.  My close friends and family also see it within me, as has my teacher.  I’m praying more, meditating more, work has gone better than ever for me.  My health is doing better, my belief and my positivity has grown.

Before I had a kind heart, but a hurt one, a broken one and it took growing my gift to truly heal it.  Before I could smile on the outside but would be crying on the inside… but not I smile from within, and I can feel the warmth and the glow.

Today I did a reading for my dad, he was a bit reluctant at first but then he caved in.  He asked me questions only he had answers to and I answered them all correctly.  He now believes.  I also asked to heal a body part of his and prayed for Archangel Raphael, one who heals the body and health, to come to his side and to help him.  After the reading I was stunned that not only was, the usual Gabriel and Michael by my side but so was Raphael.  He had come to me when I called for him.

The more you believe.  The more you learn.  The more I open up my heart and my mind to the angels and the spirits I let them speak to me, talk to me, through me and the more I can help myself and others.

This card, also related to Arielle’s.  I am so glad that the angels are telling me that I have a gift.  I have only tried communication with the departed for a little while, but I also feel like “departed” loves ones also mean those who are not waling on earth, meaning all spiritual things around me.

There have been a few challenges that have come up but I have been strong and have been trying to beat through them.  It’s tiresome, hurtful and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that I shouldn’t and deep down I don’t.  I was told, only I can help and make this work… to help heal a wounded soul is difficult.  But it’s a challenge I am willing to take on.

Oh ho ho. New people in my life, eh?  Today I did a tarot reading, a new way, with my teacher and my card came out as Lovers.  Will this be the year that I find “The One” and not the oh constantly “Wrong One”? Haha.  We shall see, but this card makes me smile.

But like I always say, it’ll come to you.  Yo don’t need to seek it out.  But I am always open to new, good, people in my life.

XOXO

Wed, July 13 2016: Victory!

Winner Winner Pho for Dinner!  But we’ll get to that in a sec…. but I do see that as a victory as well, since I’ve been craving it for over two months!

Today Archangel Sandalphon is in my life and have told me that “[My prayers have been heard and answered.  Have faith.”  Which is SO on point since a big “victory” I would say has recently happened just right before I left Taiwan.  Which made it a lovely trip back.

A weight has been lifted off my heart and shoulders….. that is until I landed in Boston and saw a certain text.  And then some…. I was filled with rage…. and then just sympathy, compassion, forgiveness.  I called my teacher/mentor last night and she talked to me.  She told me just to relax, breath in, breath out, and do some card readings and pendulum readings to help relax me.  The angels were with me last night/early this morning…. and I was finally able to easily rest at 6am.  Obviously, jet lag had something to do with it – and hunger, but today I feel even lighter than I ever have been before.

I think my heart and spirt…. my soul, has been finally healed and I am completely ready to help others.  The stronger and more calm and happy and loving that I become, the more I want to share it with the world, give, give, give and give.  I feel sorry for those who play victim and just want to take and not give back.

I am closer to God and my spirituality than I have been in a very very long time.  And I am so very happy that this change happened to me.  So yes, I have been victorious in so many ways.  I still have a few things to cross over, but I’m getting there – isn’t there always room for improvement?  Growing?  Being a better person?

It’s very important to always remember that.  Just because you achieve one victory doesn’t mean you stop there, you just keep on aiming for more.

Smile.

Guess who else joined me for dinner?  Yup, Luke got me to try the Pokémon Go craze…. and it seems to be getting to me pretty hard LOLOL…. it’s strange how after all these years, Pokémon are smart enough to still get it to viral status.

 

Love and bless you all. XOXO,

Tiffie

And here’s a little something something from my latest fobby crush, Kris Wu[Wu Yi Fan aka 吴亦凡], whom I noticed he was on the EXO-M, korean/mando pop groups and also now an actor, Canadian/Chinese, which I saw him on the plane on Mr. Six.  Here is bad girl…. omg he’s so not my type but he’s so pretty :] I’ll take it… also his music is……. let’s just say his acting is better ;] LOL.

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I adore him with lots of hair and when he dyed it white <3 <3 <3tumblr_inline_nhevve8SMZ1s3hzf8

Also my other latest crush in the past two and a half months has been Taiwanese actor, Darren Wang [Ta Lu Wang aka 王大陸] from the movie Our Times… who is even further away from my type.  But yes yes yes please.  I’ve actually been having tons of dreams about him lately.
*blush* Should I read my cards with him? LOL…..

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Cuties right? Maybe I will start dating asians again……

Protected: Gabriel is by my side and YOU I want out of my life.

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Once upon a time….

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I thought I was living in a fairy tale.  And I think I have been.  But then I realized that they were not true.  But isn’t it true?  There’s always a witch or a bad guy in a fairy tale that one must conquer to find true happiness.  The reality is to not give up.

I truly believe that my relationship was fate…. a great fairytale and absolute karma. But then after that, it takes work.  We met, we rarely ever separated…. and it all started with the magical apple…. which is why I got my first tattoo for a guy I was super in love with.

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Love, takes work.  I find myself crying on the bathroom floor… sobbing and falling apart.  I find myself sleeping, knowing we are no longer together and yet his arm is wrapped around me…. my heart starts thumping hard and my throat tightens and I can barely breathe. This is how it goes.  You can love, and love and love…. but if both or one isn’t willing to work on it. Take the heartache, but not wanting to lose the love, it’s not gonna work.  I don’t want to lose what I have finally found.  And I have never felt this kind of love in my life. I have never given all of myself to anyone, like this, ever before.  I have never given up my whole life just to move across the world because I can’t stand being away from the one that I love. And the fact that I will be leaving in just a few days just breaks me.

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He gave up.  And I let him.  I accepted it.

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Please let me keep believing.

I open my eyes are there you are…

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I’m pretty sure I am the luckiest girl in the world.  By fate, chance, karma,緣分, however you wanna call it, I’m sure blessed to have you in my life.  You always makes me smile, laugh, giggle and unconditionally happy.  I love falling asleep next to you and waking up next to you.  In a few days we will be embarking on a new exciting journey, together.  One of the biggest choices I’ve made in my life , seriously, the biggest deal that I have ever made and I’m so glad we’re doing it hand in hand.  With you next to me, we will get through anything and everything.  You are positive, an inspiration, protective of me, supportive, loving and simply the love of my life! …and it all started with an Apple.

I promise to be all yours if you are all mine.

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See you in 3+ hours baby <3 LOVE YOU