PTSD from dating the wrong peoples… no matter how infatuated you are with them, no excuses… When you see the signs, leave them ASAP!

I’ve dated quite a bit of guys, no shame, how else will I know who is my fit?… they were all differently in personality, backgrounds, names [it’s weird to date anyone with a name with someone you dated before] and appearances… or what they did in their careers, how they lived their life, etc. The only common trait was that they were all narcissists and extremely jealous.

They were all passionately unable to control their emotions.

Top 4 would be… and only one of them actually bother me still. And he’ll be #1.

#4. The first and perhaps only guy I felt “LOVE” He had anger management issues and was violent, it was a traumatic relationship but we both “loved” each other dearly even though we knew our personalities weren’t ever gonna work out. We were both young so I’m not gonna be detailed about it. He would always have a temper issue and was absolutely horrible to me, now when I think about it, it wasn’t love, just thought I was because we were both young. But he got violent towards me AFTER we broke up… he never hit me before, I got the pictures of the bruises and damage to prove it.

#3. He had some weird napoleon complex even though he was big & tall and came from a wealthy family and did well in life. He was constantly wondering about me “cheating” on him and ended up having weird outbursts, being crazy [like throwing a glass of alcohol off a rooftop in nyc], and it ended up with him acting violent and me leaving him…

#2. He liked me for so many years. For awhile he even harassed me because his girlfriend at the time knew he liked me… eventually after they broke up, we became really good friends – I’m way too forgiving to a fault – and my mom encouraged me to date him. He became irrational, obsessive, willing to risk his job to cling to me all day all night. We moved in together, but it was torture. He started become violent, angry, possessive, paranoid…so I left. The last thing he ever said to me was sent in the angriest, most hurtful email ever. Insulting me, my dog, my parents and he actually got almost all of my college friends to hate me. Thanks bro.

#1. The biggest mind f* of them all. Whirlwind romance. Kid was my hoobae from my college. We randomly met on a plane. Hung out. Ended up moving to Taiwan together [with tons of help from my mom I’m still convinced he used me]. He was insanely jealous, paranoid… and since he used to be extremely overweight he had some weird complex. Our fights were insane. He would get mad at me over the smallest things. Like if I accidentally bought lamb instead of beef [he ate both, I don’t eat lamb, cuz in chinese the characters are so similar] It ended the day he got mad at me after he was out all night til 4am… came back to our apt and started to grab things and chuck them at me. So I called the police on him.

I did try to “date” a little [no relationships] after him but everything just freaked me out, so I just stopped. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve even been on a date… I think the last time was a blind date a few years ago.

Why is it the thought of a relationship is absolutely terrifying? To be honest, I would love one…but I’ve loved myself a lot more being single for the first time in so long… but I do miss that feeling of love and being loved.

Ah, life.

Hi, therapist?

Insomnia vs Chronic Fatigue

For many years now I’ve been battling between the two. My chronic pain hasn’t been helping either, it either helps with not sleeping, or just continuously sleeping for long periods of time.

Sleeping at 30 min-1 hr intervals, waking up at specific times throughout the night and day… not knowing how much time has past… sometimes I feel like a zombie.

I am part vampire and part zombie. If you know me, you get the joke, but also know it’s not a joke.

I have 4cm of dead in my hip aka zombie and I’m anemic, vitamin D deficient aka vampire. I’m a night owl… but I also wake up at 4:30am.

I keep on living even though I’m in pain, because who has time for sleep?

I don’t know what I’m typing anymore.

Watch “My Brilliant Life”, it was amazing… appreciate every second of your life and everyone loving around you.

Goodnight friends.

Can you be an optimistic sad person?

I have always been the ‘glass half full’ type of girl. My whole life, after being bullied, abused, ridiculed, belittled, talked down upon, faced racism, sexism, been hated for just being me, etc… I always tell myself every morning, with a smile on my face, today is a new day.

OK, fine, I’m lying, I don’t always wake up with a smile on my face, or think that this new day will be any better… but I DO keep trying to tell myself that. Isn’t that a thing? Think positive, positive things will happen? BTW, a lie, but also I do believe think negative and negative things will happen.

I’m having an……………… OK streak.

I’d say bad but it’s not all that bad, it’s been awful but I have my good moments. With all the bad moments in life, I love to only remember the best, greatest moments. The best moments are the ones that made me glow and smile from within…. Nothing money or success or fame can buy. They’re the moments, usually the small ones that make me so happy to have lived my life as I have.

Never live in your negative past memories and thoughts, or you will be miserable your whole life. I’ve had so many bad things happen to me and have met bad people, but I only want to remember the good. You might think I’m being naive or stupid, or avoiding the bad… Not avoiding the bad… the bad happened, and I will avoid it ever happening again. I just don’t need to drown in my own sorrows, self-pity, woe, whatever it is.

Not worth it. I’d rather eat something decadent and worry about my waistline [haha]

This past year has been so rough for me, emotionally…physically, and the physical also influenced the emotional. Brave face, brave mind, brave heart. I’ll survive. Life goes on…

How?

How do you even begin to describe when you’re just having a “bad time”?

Today I had to explain to a guy who has “interest” in me that… uh well, I am who I am. From life, from experience… from everything. I don’t purposely ignore anyone, I shut off everyone in my life when I’m having “issues”, stress, anxiety.

Ah, life. How do I even begin? How does anyone?

I have so much going on right now…. But it was nice that talking to him made me feel at ease… like he actually really cared about me.

If he does or doesn’t, I thank him for making me smile today. Because, sometimes it’s all it takes, just a few words that make you feel somewhat significant in the world.

Side note: still one of my goals in life is to be a zombie extra in a movie/tv show so plz hook me up 🥳

Eating habits vs Emotions

As someone who has battled an eating disorder since… well most of my life… while it has been on and off… I’ve recently self-discovered what it’s like to be in control of my feelings towards foods. Fears and all…

It’s hard. Some days I don’t think of it at all and just eat what I want, whatever I want, how ever much I want… but then I have days where even a single grain of rice will terrify me.

Lately, I’ve been eating when hungry, and making sure that my meals are balanced. A lot has happened in this past year, to the point where I almost died, but being in rehab for my disability and my continual treatments and doctor work has really helped me get better.

It’s a beautiful thing for me to just enjoy life this way. I absolutely LOVE food and so having fear towards it was the absolute worst. Imagine rejecting the most delectable food because you feared it. It wasn’t because of weight gain or anything, it was a fear of losing control.

Recently a lot of things have happened in my life that has stressed me out completely. I’ve had a severe loss of appetite and also my taste buds seems too have changed [no, I didn’t get covid, knock on wood] I don’t sleep well and I have no appetite. The fear of my life long eating disorder creeping back up scares me, so I force myself to eat, even a bit, every day.

The struggle is real. I can eat a lot, a lot!!!! And I LOVE food, but I can also not eat, for days on end. Hence why I’ve got hospitalized last year, and why I’ve been sick a lot. As soon as I lose my appetite, if I don’t want to eat, I won’t.

This time it’s different… I make sure I eat, no matter how much or little it is. I eat to the point where I won’t feel sick… whether it be two bites or ten… whatever will keep me functioning. I think that’s why my shoulder, broken, should’ve taken 10 months to heal, did in 4. I ate incredibly well in Taiwan, gained no weight and was so happy eating my three huge filling meals a day.

I’ll admit, I lost weight when I came back … but come on, who wouldn’t… Taiwan food is the best! You can get anything delicious you want, whenever you want. BUT…

I’m still doing my best to make sure I eat. My veggies, fruits, protein and carbs, every meal. Even though sometimes I might feel “out of control” eating more of something delicious… like cakes and ice cream… I LOVE pie [and I found a whole pie in the fridge my mom secretly bought for me EEEE~~~~~~~ my favorite type of pie] I feel happy that I feel in control of my feelings and my life.

Maybe that’s what it has always been. No control over my life made me feel like I needed to control my food. Which is why it has always been so on and off.

Why am I writing this at 4 in the morning? I was watching YouTube food videos [hahaha…specifically Woongei… go watch him, he’s so cute and can eat so much… HAI BE MY BF!?!?!]

No but seriously. I need to stop having how I eat reflected on how I feel. Especially when I eat it makes me happy… I need to keep it that way.

What makes you happy? Music, Food… Gummies… Lollipops…My cat… dancing around my house… road trips… my piano… the beach…my blank is from when I was 3. Memories of Didi… the smell of autumn leaves, and the first snowfall of the season. Christmas… which is why I always have Christmas lights up and my mini Xmas tree… surprises. Anything so funny that I laugh til I cry…

I want to forever only cry from laughter and happiness and no more tears of sadness…

The other night I had a dream…

It’s funny, because apparently I met my soulmate… and he was perfectly okay with every single imperfection that I had… and wanted to help whichever way he could.

And when I told him I needed time… he was okay with it and said it didn’t matter because he would love me either way. Just wanted to help and be there for me.

I woke up smiling, and also longing for the feeling… I can’t remember the last time my heart fluttered in real life.

K-dramas don’t count, they’re even less reality than dreams when I sleep at night HAHA ;] Just saying…

I woke up today and realized… have I lost the feeling of being loved? And loving back?

So it’s been awhile…

If you guys follow me on instagram, you know about my past year, difficulties with health and also how, after 2.5 years, went on a trip to Taiwan… on April 1st [haha]…

Lots of things happened and a lot did… if you don’t know, I left America, where the pandemic is dying down, to go to Taiwan, which previously was worldwide pride of keeping counts down, was going so so so high. Given my immune system and everyone scared of everyone, I ate out twice… was quarantined for almost a month when I first got there… [ok 11 days in hotel, 7 days in the apt]… and got a haircut and shopped once. Most of the time I go massage treatments and just hung out at home watching crappy china horror movies [don’t judge].

Nevertheless it WAS nice being in a different environment, and I ate VERY well, pretty much everything I set out to eat… but it was home cooked or takeout… quarantine food was excellent, I shall do a post about that sometime…

But the end of the trip… didn’t end well… and funnily enough it all happened on Friday the 13th, go figure. I had nightmares and extreme discomfort for a few days prior… people say I have a sixth sense. Whatever it was, I knew something wasn’t gonna go well…

And it didn’t… but thankfully I’m back in America with my demon cat baby, who just turned 1 on the day of my arrival, May 20! So all seems to be pretty positive. Most of the time. Even my broken shoulder is miraculously working almost 100% [my PT is proud]

And now here I am 2:38AM, took a long hot shower, wearing a face mask and awaiting another week of doctors, dentists, PT, therapy… and while I got used to it… the past few days I’ve been feeling really really down….

I think I might clean. Anyone do that? Negative thoughts = cleaning or sleeping … hahaha… we’ll see what I end up doing, just wanted to post a little random thoughts from my mind…

Xoxo

Back to you….

I just don’t get it… why are people just liars and cheaters and fakes.  I am so sick of it.  People are so freaking selfish and I can’t stand it.  And I don’t know why I always forgive them and go back to them……………..  maybe I’m just that much broken.

Why do people say “sorry” when they don’t even mean it?  And why do people still fall for it?  It’s a never ending circle, it’s saddening, heartbreaking and yet inevitable and it just happens over and over again.  When will the cycle end?  For the lucky ones, it doesn’t happen, or it happens once or twice.  But for people like me, I shouldn’t have picked up that penny the wrong side up, it’s the story of my life.

At times, I just don’t know how to feel anymore.  Numb, I’ve said before, just numb.

I accept all of my problems and disorders and “crazy” that I have… and I feel like everyone in my life does too… well mostly… the true ones.  The ones who love me and accept me for who I am.

“I love it, I hate it…”  Guess I’m just a masochistic. LOL.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve got a Jet Black Heart.

[Bebe Rexha:]
I know you say you know me, know me well
But these days I don’t even know myself, no
I always thought I’d be with someone else
I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

I call you but you never even answer
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you

[Louis Tomlinson:]
I know my friends they give me bad advice
Like move on, get you out my mind
But don’t you think I haven’t even tried
You got me cornered and my hands are tied

[Louis Tomlinson & Bebe Rexha:]
You got me so addicted to the drama
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

[Louis Tomlinson:]
Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you

And I guess you’ll never know
All the bullshit that you put me through
And I guess you’ll never know, no

[Bebe Rexha & Louis Tomlinson:]
Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder
You can be the pill to ease the pain
‘Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama
Baby, here we go again

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you
Back to you
I just keep on coming back to you

I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

Excess Flesh: a good look at the truth of eating disorders thru a crazy awesome movie

The first time I watched this movie I was just in for the horror and the gore… I had no idea it would hit me this much.  Being a recovered anorexic/bulimic I ended up being obsessed with this movie and looking up as many reviews as possible.  But yet, no one had the same perspective that I had on this movie… and no one interpreted it the same way I did.

Jennifer, a skinny sexy model who can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, is best friends with Jill, a normal sized chick who ends who binging and purging or starving for days… they are roommates and it’s a messed up relationship.

Jennifer is extroverted and sleeps around a lot while Jill is introverted and prefers to stay at home all day, but is an extra agent cook.  While Jennifer gorges on junk food, Jill starves herself all day until the middle of the night – which leads to regret, chewing and spitting, or purging. 

The friendship is very vioiatle and it focuses on people chewing and eating a lot – which, is actually quite disgusting. 

To me, unaccording to other critics and receivers… I believe that Jill and Jennifer are the same person. Jennifer is Jill’s inner “hungry” girl… while Jill is Jennifer’s inner “fat” girl (although they definitely did not chose an overweight actress to play the part)

There are lots of weird forced food and eating moments during the movie. Jill even locked Jennifer up and she escapes but the cops don’t even act like they are two people, just one… therefore why I think they ARE one person.

In the end, after she’s supposedly “dead”, Jennifer shows up to a casting call and they even say something of the likes of “oh it’s her again”… which makes me even more sure that that Jennifer and Jill are the same person.

I duno. Thoughts?