Can we talk about this Mukbang sensation?

Before we start, watch Jin’s “Epiphany” and I won’t judge you on crying and dying on how amazing and jaw dropping it is…. i wanna cry each time…

DED*

I will be the first to admit, last year I finally gave into the craze of watching mukbangs.  Being a recovery “eating disordered” and also food obsessive person, this made sense.  And honestly, I am SO DEEP!  And not only in just the food, I find myself just listening to them talk and me NOT drooling over the food they are eating.  Early on I was obsessed with ASMR and would play them to help me sleep and I honestly find myself not as drawn towards it.

I still LOVE Food ASMR, the chewing and crunching is SO SO satisfying, as long as it’s not in person, to me… but to be honest I just love seeing people eat and be able.

AS YOU KNOW, my latest craze is BTS, uh DUH, who isn’t in love with them?!… but just going on youtube and watching them eat [type: eat bts, or even better, my BIAS, eat jin!  and eat jungkook… or eat taehyung/v… lol] ANYWAYS…

I just love seeing people eat.  I’m not sure if it’s helping my eating disorder or not, but it’s DAMN SATISFYING!

HOW AM I SO ATTRACTED TO MALES EATING?!

It’s a thing.

It’s a my kinda thing, I love guys who eat well… [btw, I do get annoyed at ppl who eat ICK, sorry past bf who annoyed me, but it’s also a thing] BUT I LOVE A GUY WHO CAN EAT WELL and look super cute doing so.

I can eat a lot.  Wanna date me?  Eat more than me… and also eat what I cook HAHAHA cuz I love to cook!

I duno where this blog is going, I haven’t blogged in awhile.  People have been asking me so many things… why aren’t you dating?  What have you been doing?  What happened to food blogs?  Why are you not really on social media? etc etc… I duno, I just felt like it I guess.  My last real relationship was over 2 years ago TBH, the last time I went on a date was like…. a year ago?  Maybe more?

OK back tho this whole eating shizz. Someone do a mukbang with me?  I look ugly eating so I need someone with me to do one.

I good.

I’ll just save me for BTS. [haha I kid.]

Just haven’t had the moment.

Currently busy with life, work and living situation [in the process of moving] and plus I travel a lot, SO……

OKAY so before I finally go to bed, since it’s 5am, EAST COAST TIME… [yes I’m currently in Boston still, figuring out my new living sitch] let’s just bang bang to this song… still unsure about L.A. and France times at the moment, but currently adding Saipan to the list of go-to’s for this year….

I’m also fat lately. I need to diet. FML.

Back to you….

I just don’t get it… why are people just liars and cheaters and fakes.  I am so sick of it.  People are so freaking selfish and I can’t stand it.  And I don’t know why I always forgive them and go back to them……………..  maybe I’m just that much broken.

Why do people say “sorry” when they don’t even mean it?  And why do people still fall for it?  It’s a never ending circle, it’s saddening, heartbreaking and yet inevitable and it just happens over and over again.  When will the cycle end?  For the lucky ones, it doesn’t happen, or it happens once or twice.  But for people like me, I shouldn’t have picked up that penny the wrong side up, it’s the story of my life.

At times, I just don’t know how to feel anymore.  Numb, I’ve said before, just numb.

I accept all of my problems and disorders and “crazy” that I have… and I feel like everyone in my life does too… well mostly… the true ones.  The ones who love me and accept me for who I am.

“I love it, I hate it…”  Guess I’m just a masochistic. LOL.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve got a Jet Black Heart.

[Bebe Rexha:]
I know you say you know me, know me well
But these days I don’t even know myself, no
I always thought I’d be with someone else
I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

I call you but you never even answer
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you

[Louis Tomlinson:]
I know my friends they give me bad advice
Like move on, get you out my mind
But don’t you think I haven’t even tried
You got me cornered and my hands are tied

[Louis Tomlinson & Bebe Rexha:]
You got me so addicted to the drama
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

[Louis Tomlinson:]
Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you

And I guess you’ll never know
All the bullshit that you put me through
And I guess you’ll never know, no

[Bebe Rexha & Louis Tomlinson:]
Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder
You can be the pill to ease the pain
‘Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama
Baby, here we go again

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you
Back to you
I just keep on coming back to you

positivity

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To all the shade and negativity being thrown my way lately, I just gotta say: I’m gonna shake it off.  Cuz haters gonna hate, but I’m still fabulous just the way I am.

It’s coming…

Once again another birthday is coming on upon me.  I used to go crazy and throw extravagant parties where I would get super dressed up, buy expensive outfits, go to fancy dinners and have crazy club/lounge parties.  Yes, one of them was at a circus-themed club.

As the years have passed, my parties have calmed down and been more casual, to the point where I just stopped and decided to spend my day relaxing.  Vegas with the girls became Maine with my dog. [I guess it’s still going somewhere with one of my “bitches” right? Hahaha…ok I found it funny in my head]

Lately, I’ve lost a lot of faith in friendship with friends, but I’ve also found out how strong some of my true friendships are.

I’ve gone through a lot in the past year and a half, tons of transitions, but in all of that I have been finding myself.  I spent a whole day crying the other day because I was so mad… not at realizing my friend wasn’t really my friend, but that I do so much for people and I never ask for anything back – and I get nothing back.  I realized I had to rethink who to trust, who to love, who to still talk to and who to just give up on.

I try too hard.

Thank you to everyone who was there for me to help me through that situation.

One of my friends, who usually isn’t usually into this emotional hoodoo voodoo stuff said to me “Tiffie, dear, it shouldn’t matter why you’re upset, the fact that you ARE upset is ALL that should matter to a true friend”  And it hit me. it’s true.  I was upset, and hit with reasons why I shouldn’t be upset because I was a worse person.  The whole conversation had nothing to do with who was a bad friend but that’s what it became.

I had written a whole blog post about it, but I’m not that person anymore to rant about that sort of stuff on here anymore.

The whole point of this post is that I’m not the same person I used to be.  Happy silly party girl.  I admit it, it’s sort of disgusting to look back on.  Even a few years ago I was buying designer bags and heels and dressing up every single day… now you’re lucky if you can get me to brush my hair, put on any makeup and wear contacts – HAHA!  Gross, I know… but I like to think of it being me comfortable with ME being ME.

And back to the whole friend thing up above… bye to the negativity in my life.  I keep the good, I don’t care about the bad.

Yup, still gonna say something. Ball is is her court for her to show what kind of person she is.

*Drops the mic*

PS. Arrow and The Flash are the best shows ever. Baby Driver is the best movie I’ve seen in forever.

The end.

What makes you “normal”?

One of my best friends asked me “What is normal?” the other day when I said that I wasn’t “normal”.  I told him that being normal was weird, because what is normal? WHAT IS NORMAL?

I’m not normal, I don’t think I ever have been.  For a brief moment in my life I wanted to be… seriously, it’s hilarious.  I wanted to be a cheerleader and “popular” and date the cutest guy in school.  But I was far from it.  I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast, I couldn’t dress, I was super awkward, but I was me.

I was the girl who begged my mom to go to a school dance and when I finally got to go to one, everyone had someone to dance with except me…  no one would touch me with a ten foot pole.  Totally scarring as a pre-teen, totally glad I didn’t dance with any of those gross guys now.

But, look at me now.  My past made me strong.  And my own mind kept my strength up.

My mother asked me today why I look so unhappy all the time lately… I was playing some game on my phone… I told her, I had a “sadness”.  She asked me, “What right do YOU have to have a sadness inside you?”  I didn’t answer her.  I don’t need to.  I don’t need to answer to anyone why I have this sadness in me… It’s been in me since I can remember.  I have a sadness but also a light; Which is why I still live on, strong, with hope and optimism.

There’s a sadness that has always been there, but I blame no one for it but myself for letting it linger.  I want no pity, no worry, no “special care” for it.  I know what’s wrong with me, that’s why I’m okay with who I am and why I can handle myself and take care of myself.

I am a stronger woman because of this.  And just because I have sadness that overcomes and consumes within me doesn’t mean I don’t have happiness that keeps me continuing on in life.

ps. I look cute today.

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Yay to 5 Seconds of Summer tank top, Harry Styles necklace and Liam Payne makeup.  I just tried the eyeshadows and lipgloss but it was fun.  Someone needs to teach me how to do makeup because I’m lazy AF about it and I know nothing about contouring.  Amanda,  you makeup guru, help me!

Discovering myself…

It’s hard to always stand up for yourself, let alone even know who you are as a person.  I’ve been going through a darkness, and at times I feel like I’m spiraling down that I can’t get out of it.  Deeper and deeper into the madness.  And not in the awesome Alice in Wonderland way, which I could kill to be in right now.  Things would make a lot more sense there.

But, I suppose, that’s what reality is.  Things don’t make sense.  Or maybe it does, or will, at the very end.  But when is this end.  I feel like I’m floating along, day by day, just living life like an empty shell.  I never imagined that I would ever know what that would feel like… but even at a young age I remember feeling empty and wanting to die.  I remember that day, that diary entry – in my Little Mermaid book – I was 8 and I had already lost hope.

I don’t blame those who have helped me become who I am today, but I blame myself for not being strong enough to endure it enough… or maybe too strong to not succumb to it and end the misery.

But lately I’m just numb. So much so, I’m physically numb, not just emotionally.  My mystery bruises manifest all over my body, I ache and my hands, feet and legs go numb.  Numb.  Is there even another good word for it?  It’s been awhile since my SATs.  *Chuckle* Doubt UrbanDictionary would help, but it would make me laugh.

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And I stand corrected.  I almost spit out my tea “I ran into a truck and din’t feel a thing!”  THEY DIDN’T EVEN USE “NUMB” IN THAT EXAMPLE!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways.  I am feeling better, and sorry I’ve been using this blog to be ranting lately.  A lot of changes have been going on and in the works.  Been trying to better myself and make myself smile from the inside out more.  Thanks to those who read this, thanks to those who care, thanks to those who love me, those who understand me for being who I am and thanks to those who are unconditionally there for me.

I know I will rise like the Phoenix.

Duck Breast with Fig Sauce over Grilled Asparagus and Cherry Tomatoes

I made this recipe a week or two ago and I thought I’d post about it….

Sauce:
Red Wine
Shallots
Figs
Balsamic Vinegar
Maple Syrup (only if figs are not sweet enough for you)
Black Pepper
Rosemary

Reduce.

[ps. if you haven’t noticed, I tend to cook by taste, feeling and not by measurements – unless I cake, so sorry… I also do not add salt to my food because I tend to have a bad reaction to too much salt, so I only eat it when it’s unavoidable outside of my house/cooking, but I promise you the flavor is there… that’s why I always use a lot of spices and herbs.]

Duck:
Take the duck breast and score diagonally and sprinkle with Black Pepper
Cook with extra duck fat (always start skin side down on a cold pan)
When you flip it (after skin is crispy) add xxx and xxx in pan (can’t give away all my secrets right?)
Add rosemary, [or thyme] cook to liking.

Veggies:
Use duck fat to coat asparagus and my beautiful multicolored cherry tomatoes.  Cook until asparagus is still firm, not limp with a bit of char.  The tomatoes should have a bit of char as well and will burst by themselves. Pop!

Garnish with a freshly sliced fig! Oh I so fancy yo. LOL.

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End result: Yumzers! ENJOY!

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I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

New Years Eve Dinner 2016 at Duexave

FINALLY I’m GONNA POST THIS!!!!!!!!!

So I’ve been backlogged… I have half written blogs up all in this shizz and it doesn’t seem to be coming out (ha! – Sorry dirty mind!) I keep having ideas and then writer’s block… my current obsession with watching Frozen and Tangled and seeing their soundtrack 24/7 isn’t helping either… haha “hashtag dork”… and I also started obsessing (yeah a few seasons… like 6, late) with 2 Broke Girl$ (hastag ILOVEMAXSHEISMYHERO) so yeah.  Work, Disney, iTunes is ruining me…. in a wonderful way.

So let’s catch up on 2017… Let’s start off with my last night of it…. NYE 2016 :) which sadly I had a stomach bug so I threw up all night with my date.  Which was funny cuz my date and I went to watch college football first, and me being over-underdressed  puked a few times at the bar.  My stomach finally calmed down on the way to Deuxave (owned and cooked by one of favorite chefs Chef Christopher Coombs) And while I was being careful with my tender tummy… I am NOT about to throw up any good food… I didn’t eat my usual overstuffed way, but all the food was amazing!!!! I haven’t been in forever!!!



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We started off with delicious warm sourdough (great crust and fluffy middle) with a ribboned creamy butter.

Funny story [sidenote] about sourdough bread.  This total bully that lived across the street from me when I was a kid in New Mexico, LOVED sourdough bread. I played with her because 1. She lived across the street from me. 2. She was a bully. 3. She had no friends. 4. I am overly nice even though she did horrible things to me…. etc. etc. ANYWAYS, she loved it, I hated it and she even held it against me. She also forced me to watch Child’s Play which I ran home crying after. I was like 7. Bitch. Her, not me. She also grabbed my arm and bit it once because I said I didn’t want to play with her anymore… #whyineedtherapy [/sidenote]

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Then came the complimentary amuse bouches…. All topped with microgreens!!!…

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Crap, I forgot what these balls were.. they were fried balls of yumminess though… I think it was crab… When in doubt just shove it all in your mouth (ha!) when in a spoon… especially if shaped in little balls (double ha!)

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Some Creamy Lobster Bisque. (HA! The lady next to us even asked for spoons… LOL duh you sip it, it’s a tiny little cup… and if anything just freaking eat your balls and use that spoon… LOLOL.. she complained a lot all night LOLOL!) Anyways.. tasty, thick and rich.

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And some duck liver terrine with pomegranate seeds on cute little crostini…. I could never turn down anything duck liver… or things on a crostini.  I admit it. I love the trend… it shall never grow old… anything on toasted bread (preferably buttery… even more buttery and garlicky) will forever be delicious!!!!!

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For appetizers (thankfully my date was happy to go with my (get two of everything we would eat so we can try more foods) we got the Wagyu Beef Tartare with Forbidden Rice Chips, Green Papaya Salad, Avocado Puree and Crispy Shallots!

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And the Hamachi Crudo with Fennel Dill, Pickled Shallots, Rye Crisps and Smoked Aioli… which is fresh and delicious…. simple and perfect! And gorgeously plated…. and oh oh oh how I love the roe :] Roe roe roe!!!

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And then came the seafood plates!  With Seared Nantucket Bay Scallops with Maitake & Black Trumpet Mushrooms, Brodo, Fines Herbs and a Chili Oil….. hehe I always love when they table side pour for you… I had to whip out the camera in time to catch it in action.

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Look at those beautiful cute things.  Now, date doesn’t do seafood, but he did for me :] And liked it!!!! —- Although he did pass on the hamachi crudo… still need to ease him into sushi…. (bad experience, supposedly)

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And obviously anything with pork belly.. am I right?  Crispy Spanish Octopus(sy) & Pork Belly with Chorizo, Choucroute, Potato, Parsley and Aiji Amarillo.  Octopus on point with crispy ends… and a melt in your mouth pork belly :] NOM!

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And then comes our main courses!!!!! Which contained the highlight of the night… Prime Beef Tenderloin & Perigord Black Truffles with Egg Yolk Raviolo, Celery Root and Bordelaise.

This Raviolo was the dish I was waiting the whole night for, especially since Chef Chris posted the instagram online.  Yeah, you should follow his instagram.  I stalk it religiously for amazing food porn and cute baby pics :]

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Spiced Long Island Duck Breast & Housemade Sausage with Romanesco, Baby Shitake Mushrooms, Foie Gras & Cipollini Vintrigrette and Persimmon.

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Perfectly cooked and I adored the small chunks of all the foie and sausage.  It didn’t overwhelm and the duck was amazing.  You know I’m a duck girl, if there is duck on the menu, I am sure to get it.

We were nearing close to midnight……..

We got complimentary bites nibbles whilst waiting for our desserts…. nervously so, since it was nearing midnight.  They weren’t a hit…. Not to be a party pooper but the other customers around us didn’t seem to enjoy them either…..

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And the desserts came…..

“Cafe Chocolate” with Coffee Biscuit, Cardamom Cremux, Caramelized Vanilla Glace…. Super yummy!!!!!!!!…. I loveeeee cardamom in sweet desserts…!!!!

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And I, being a lover of Chestnuts, I picked “Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire” with Chestnut Cream, Vanilla Meringue, Kalamansi and Banana Glace.  The Ice cream was delicious but unfortunately the citrus inside the ball was just way overpowering so I ended up getting no chestnut flavor. :[

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We sipped on glasses of a delicious Rose bubbly the whole night and had such delightful conversations… (I think I might be a bit loud and embarrassing to him) —-and even got to chat with my buddy, Chef Chris for a bit [yes! Hang soon! And I’ll be in for the waffles & foie ASAP]… unfortunately we were rushing to our venue at the W Hotel to countdown to the New Years so I couldn’t squeeze in a pic with him :[ WAA WAA… It’s okay… it’s not like I’m far from this place.  Adore this place!!!!!

 

Can you believe it’s February? 2017?

I have so many posts, “almost finished” on here…. I promise to post my New Years Eve dinner post tonight, but life has just been flying past me.

Swoooooshhhhhh….

I feel like this website needs a makeover, do-over, something.  It’s become more of a lifestyle blog than a food blog, although food still is my main love :]  But hey, the older you get, the more life gets in your way.  You grow, evolve… changes.

I’m trying this “healthy” approach to my snacking and randomly missing meals with RXBars and ProteinWorld smoothies… but hell, sometimes I just want my bag of chips to munch on.  My body doesn’t do too well with salty food, so I constantly crave it.  Ahhh, the irony.

2017 has been interesting. I was back in the States before Xmas 2016 but so much drama and blah blah blah… oh and BLAH!… Thankfully I’ve had great people to be there with me and for me [as me for them] during the times.  Love is in the air.  I love you my friends/family.

Anyways just wanna put it out there, I shall be blogging more, cooking more [hopefully]  and I hope I haven’t lost a ton of you….  especially since I’ve been back and forth from Asia and America so much – still figuring out where I wanna end up living at for a “time” or just stick with traveling everywhere :] OK… time to finish my plan for tomorrow’s menu and my NYE Dinner blog post that’s long overdue.

xo always,

I’m back bitches!!!!!!!!

Tiffie

PS. Patriots are DA FUGGING CHAMPIONS……AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This year’s superbowl was unforgettable and epic. Tom Brady for life <3 You know what else was on fire? The wings I made for Superbowl Sunday. Scotch bonnet, garlic, shallots, pineapple, etc…. FIRE <3 Fire like Brady was!!!!! Holla!

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