PTSD from dating the wrong peoples… no matter how infatuated you are with them, no excuses… When you see the signs, leave them ASAP!

I’ve dated quite a bit of guys, no shame, how else will I know who is my fit?… they were all differently in personality, backgrounds, names [it’s weird to date anyone with a name with someone you dated before] and appearances… or what they did in their careers, how they lived their life, etc. The only common trait was that they were all narcissists and extremely jealous.

They were all passionately unable to control their emotions.

Top 4 would be… and only one of them actually bother me still. And he’ll be #1.

#4. The first and perhaps only guy I felt “LOVE” He had anger management issues and was violent, it was a traumatic relationship but we both “loved” each other dearly even though we knew our personalities weren’t ever gonna work out. We were both young so I’m not gonna be detailed about it. He would always have a temper issue and was absolutely horrible to me, now when I think about it, it wasn’t love, just thought I was because we were both young. But he got violent towards me AFTER we broke up… he never hit me before, I got the pictures of the bruises and damage to prove it.

#3. He had some weird napoleon complex even though he was big & tall and came from a wealthy family and did well in life. He was constantly wondering about me “cheating” on him and ended up having weird outbursts, being crazy [like throwing a glass of alcohol off a rooftop in nyc], and it ended up with him acting violent and me leaving him…

#2. He liked me for so many years. For awhile he even harassed me because his girlfriend at the time knew he liked me… eventually after they broke up, we became really good friends – I’m way too forgiving to a fault – and my mom encouraged me to date him. He became irrational, obsessive, willing to risk his job to cling to me all day all night. We moved in together, but it was torture. He started become violent, angry, possessive, paranoid…so I left. The last thing he ever said to me was sent in the angriest, most hurtful email ever. Insulting me, my dog, my parents and he actually got almost all of my college friends to hate me. Thanks bro.

#1. The biggest mind f* of them all. Whirlwind romance. Kid was my hoobae from my college. We randomly met on a plane. Hung out. Ended up moving to Taiwan together [with tons of help from my mom I’m still convinced he used me]. He was insanely jealous, paranoid… and since he used to be extremely overweight he had some weird complex. Our fights were insane. He would get mad at me over the smallest things. Like if I accidentally bought lamb instead of beef [he ate both, I don’t eat lamb, cuz in chinese the characters are so similar] It ended the day he got mad at me after he was out all night til 4am… came back to our apt and started to grab things and chuck them at me. So I called the police on him.

I did try to “date” a little [no relationships] after him but everything just freaked me out, so I just stopped. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve even been on a date… I think the last time was a blind date a few years ago.

Why is it the thought of a relationship is absolutely terrifying? To be honest, I would love one…but I’ve loved myself a lot more being single for the first time in so long… but I do miss that feeling of love and being loved.

Ah, life.

Hi, therapist?

“I’m here for the AC…”

The other day I went to the hospital for another appointment… does it matter for what? Not really.

I had gotten into a huge argument with my mother beforehand, I just wanted to go and get it over with. As I waited for the elevator, a sweet old gentlemen offered for me to get on first… and even clicked on what floor I needed to get off for me.

He then proceeded to talk about how glad he was it wasn’t so hot anymore [we recently had record breaking high heat lately…]. I returned his kind face with a smile and said “Today has been such gorgeous weather!!!!” He smiled back and nodded.

He then said, with a slight sigh, “I’m only here for the air conditioning!”

I smiled, and was going to say, “you should’ve gone to the movies instead…” but I eyed the floor he was going on and it was for outpatient some sort of therapy. So I just giggled with him, saying I was too and we parted ways.

“Have a great day!”

“Yes, you too!”

I realize meeting so many patients in hospitals, most of us stay so positive, happy, optimistic… it’s very uplifting when we talk and meet each other. We always wish each other the best and say the most unobvious uplifting things.

Bless his soul for making me smile within my heart that day… the smallest small talk made a big impact during my sad moment in life. Thank you!

Why do I not date anymore?

So after my last relationship a few years ago, I completely stopped dating. Why? No no no, it’s not what you think, I was just sick of it. Plus I’m saving myself for a K-pop Idol…

Jokes aside, what’s the point anymore? I’ve dated every single type of guy and I didn’t want any of them. Wait, hold up, that sounded stuck up… it’s not like that. BUT compatibility wise and everything, nothing ever added up. PLUS, I’m prone to finding guys with severe anger management/jealousy issues.

SO.

I will wait….

And wait…

And not get heart broken, or hurt – in many ways – until I meet the guy, if I ever do, that I should be with.

Contrary to popular ex-bf belief, I’m not a commitmentphobe. I’m a THEM-phone. HAHAHA….

Til next time…

I love myself and I’m happy with where I’m at.

Can you be an optimistic sad person?

I have always been the ‘glass half full’ type of girl. My whole life, after being bullied, abused, ridiculed, belittled, talked down upon, faced racism, sexism, been hated for just being me, etc… I always tell myself every morning, with a smile on my face, today is a new day.

OK, fine, I’m lying, I don’t always wake up with a smile on my face, or think that this new day will be any better… but I DO keep trying to tell myself that. Isn’t that a thing? Think positive, positive things will happen? BTW, a lie, but also I do believe think negative and negative things will happen.

I’m having an……………… OK streak.

I’d say bad but it’s not all that bad, it’s been awful but I have my good moments. With all the bad moments in life, I love to only remember the best, greatest moments. The best moments are the ones that made me glow and smile from within…. Nothing money or success or fame can buy. They’re the moments, usually the small ones that make me so happy to have lived my life as I have.

Never live in your negative past memories and thoughts, or you will be miserable your whole life. I’ve had so many bad things happen to me and have met bad people, but I only want to remember the good. You might think I’m being naive or stupid, or avoiding the bad… Not avoiding the bad… the bad happened, and I will avoid it ever happening again. I just don’t need to drown in my own sorrows, self-pity, woe, whatever it is.

Not worth it. I’d rather eat something decadent and worry about my waistline [haha]

This past year has been so rough for me, emotionally…physically, and the physical also influenced the emotional. Brave face, brave mind, brave heart. I’ll survive. Life goes on…

Eating habits vs Emotions

As someone who has battled an eating disorder since… well most of my life… while it has been on and off… I’ve recently self-discovered what it’s like to be in control of my feelings towards foods. Fears and all…

It’s hard. Some days I don’t think of it at all and just eat what I want, whatever I want, how ever much I want… but then I have days where even a single grain of rice will terrify me.

Lately, I’ve been eating when hungry, and making sure that my meals are balanced. A lot has happened in this past year, to the point where I almost died, but being in rehab for my disability and my continual treatments and doctor work has really helped me get better.

It’s a beautiful thing for me to just enjoy life this way. I absolutely LOVE food and so having fear towards it was the absolute worst. Imagine rejecting the most delectable food because you feared it. It wasn’t because of weight gain or anything, it was a fear of losing control.

Recently a lot of things have happened in my life that has stressed me out completely. I’ve had a severe loss of appetite and also my taste buds seems too have changed [no, I didn’t get covid, knock on wood] I don’t sleep well and I have no appetite. The fear of my life long eating disorder creeping back up scares me, so I force myself to eat, even a bit, every day.

The struggle is real. I can eat a lot, a lot!!!! And I LOVE food, but I can also not eat, for days on end. Hence why I’ve got hospitalized last year, and why I’ve been sick a lot. As soon as I lose my appetite, if I don’t want to eat, I won’t.

This time it’s different… I make sure I eat, no matter how much or little it is. I eat to the point where I won’t feel sick… whether it be two bites or ten… whatever will keep me functioning. I think that’s why my shoulder, broken, should’ve taken 10 months to heal, did in 4. I ate incredibly well in Taiwan, gained no weight and was so happy eating my three huge filling meals a day.

I’ll admit, I lost weight when I came back … but come on, who wouldn’t… Taiwan food is the best! You can get anything delicious you want, whenever you want. BUT…

I’m still doing my best to make sure I eat. My veggies, fruits, protein and carbs, every meal. Even though sometimes I might feel “out of control” eating more of something delicious… like cakes and ice cream… I LOVE pie [and I found a whole pie in the fridge my mom secretly bought for me EEEE~~~~~~~ my favorite type of pie] I feel happy that I feel in control of my feelings and my life.

Maybe that’s what it has always been. No control over my life made me feel like I needed to control my food. Which is why it has always been so on and off.

Why am I writing this at 4 in the morning? I was watching YouTube food videos [hahaha…specifically Woongei… go watch him, he’s so cute and can eat so much… HAI BE MY BF!?!?!]

No but seriously. I need to stop having how I eat reflected on how I feel. Especially when I eat it makes me happy… I need to keep it that way.

What makes you happy? Music, Food… Gummies… Lollipops…My cat… dancing around my house… road trips… my piano… the beach…my blank is from when I was 3. Memories of Didi… the smell of autumn leaves, and the first snowfall of the season. Christmas… which is why I always have Christmas lights up and my mini Xmas tree… surprises. Anything so funny that I laugh til I cry…

I want to forever only cry from laughter and happiness and no more tears of sadness…

Can we talk about this Mukbang sensation?

Before we start, watch Jin’s “Epiphany” and I won’t judge you on crying and dying on how amazing and jaw dropping it is…. i wanna cry each time…

DED*

I will be the first to admit, last year I finally gave into the craze of watching mukbangs.  Being a recovery “eating disordered” and also food obsessive person, this made sense.  And honestly, I am SO DEEP!  And not only in just the food, I find myself just listening to them talk and me NOT drooling over the food they are eating.  Early on I was obsessed with ASMR and would play them to help me sleep and I honestly find myself not as drawn towards it.

I still LOVE Food ASMR, the chewing and crunching is SO SO satisfying, as long as it’s not in person, to me… but to be honest I just love seeing people eat and be able.

AS YOU KNOW, my latest craze is BTS, uh DUH, who isn’t in love with them?!… but just going on youtube and watching them eat [type: eat bts, or even better, my BIAS, eat jin!  and eat jungkook… or eat taehyung/v… lol] ANYWAYS…

I just love seeing people eat.  I’m not sure if it’s helping my eating disorder or not, but it’s DAMN SATISFYING!

HOW AM I SO ATTRACTED TO MALES EATING?!

It’s a thing.

It’s a my kinda thing, I love guys who eat well… [btw, I do get annoyed at ppl who eat ICK, sorry past bf who annoyed me, but it’s also a thing] BUT I LOVE A GUY WHO CAN EAT WELL and look super cute doing so.

I can eat a lot.  Wanna date me?  Eat more than me… and also eat what I cook HAHAHA cuz I love to cook!

I duno where this blog is going, I haven’t blogged in awhile.  People have been asking me so many things… why aren’t you dating?  What have you been doing?  What happened to food blogs?  Why are you not really on social media? etc etc… I duno, I just felt like it I guess.  My last real relationship was over 2 years ago TBH, the last time I went on a date was like…. a year ago?  Maybe more?

OK back tho this whole eating shizz. Someone do a mukbang with me?  I look ugly eating so I need someone with me to do one.

I good.

I’ll just save me for BTS. [haha I kid.]

Just haven’t had the moment.

Currently busy with life, work and living situation [in the process of moving] and plus I travel a lot, SO……

OKAY so before I finally go to bed, since it’s 5am, EAST COAST TIME… [yes I’m currently in Boston still, figuring out my new living sitch] let’s just bang bang to this song… still unsure about L.A. and France times at the moment, but currently adding Saipan to the list of go-to’s for this year….

I’m also fat lately. I need to diet. FML.

Back to you….

I just don’t get it… why are people just liars and cheaters and fakes.  I am so sick of it.  People are so freaking selfish and I can’t stand it.  And I don’t know why I always forgive them and go back to them……………..  maybe I’m just that much broken.

Why do people say “sorry” when they don’t even mean it?  And why do people still fall for it?  It’s a never ending circle, it’s saddening, heartbreaking and yet inevitable and it just happens over and over again.  When will the cycle end?  For the lucky ones, it doesn’t happen, or it happens once or twice.  But for people like me, I shouldn’t have picked up that penny the wrong side up, it’s the story of my life.

At times, I just don’t know how to feel anymore.  Numb, I’ve said before, just numb.

I accept all of my problems and disorders and “crazy” that I have… and I feel like everyone in my life does too… well mostly… the true ones.  The ones who love me and accept me for who I am.

“I love it, I hate it…”  Guess I’m just a masochistic. LOL.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve got a Jet Black Heart.

[Bebe Rexha:]
I know you say you know me, know me well
But these days I don’t even know myself, no
I always thought I’d be with someone else
I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

I call you but you never even answer
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you

[Louis Tomlinson:]
I know my friends they give me bad advice
Like move on, get you out my mind
But don’t you think I haven’t even tried
You got me cornered and my hands are tied

[Louis Tomlinson & Bebe Rexha:]
You got me so addicted to the drama
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

[Louis Tomlinson:]
Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you

And I guess you’ll never know
All the bullshit that you put me through
And I guess you’ll never know, no

[Bebe Rexha & Louis Tomlinson:]
Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder
You can be the pill to ease the pain
‘Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama
Baby, here we go again

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you
Back to you
I just keep on coming back to you

positivity

taylorswift-1989polaroid-49

To all the shade and negativity being thrown my way lately, I just gotta say: I’m gonna shake it off.  Cuz haters gonna hate, but I’m still fabulous just the way I am.

It’s coming…

Once again another birthday is coming on upon me.  I used to go crazy and throw extravagant parties where I would get super dressed up, buy expensive outfits, go to fancy dinners and have crazy club/lounge parties.  Yes, one of them was at a circus-themed club.

As the years have passed, my parties have calmed down and been more casual, to the point where I just stopped and decided to spend my day relaxing.  Vegas with the girls became Maine with my dog. [I guess it’s still going somewhere with one of my “bitches” right? Hahaha…ok I found it funny in my head]

Lately, I’ve lost a lot of faith in friendship with friends, but I’ve also found out how strong some of my true friendships are.

I’ve gone through a lot in the past year and a half, tons of transitions, but in all of that I have been finding myself.  I spent a whole day crying the other day because I was so mad… not at realizing my friend wasn’t really my friend, but that I do so much for people and I never ask for anything back – and I get nothing back.  I realized I had to rethink who to trust, who to love, who to still talk to and who to just give up on.

I try too hard.

Thank you to everyone who was there for me to help me through that situation.

One of my friends, who usually isn’t usually into this emotional hoodoo voodoo stuff said to me “Tiffie, dear, it shouldn’t matter why you’re upset, the fact that you ARE upset is ALL that should matter to a true friend”  And it hit me. it’s true.  I was upset, and hit with reasons why I shouldn’t be upset because I was a worse person.  The whole conversation had nothing to do with who was a bad friend but that’s what it became.

I had written a whole blog post about it, but I’m not that person anymore to rant about that sort of stuff on here anymore.

The whole point of this post is that I’m not the same person I used to be.  Happy silly party girl.  I admit it, it’s sort of disgusting to look back on.  Even a few years ago I was buying designer bags and heels and dressing up every single day… now you’re lucky if you can get me to brush my hair, put on any makeup and wear contacts – HAHA!  Gross, I know… but I like to think of it being me comfortable with ME being ME.

And back to the whole friend thing up above… bye to the negativity in my life.  I keep the good, I don’t care about the bad.

Yup, still gonna say something. Ball is is her court for her to show what kind of person she is.

*Drops the mic*

PS. Arrow and The Flash are the best shows ever. Baby Driver is the best movie I’ve seen in forever.

The end.

What makes you “normal”?

One of my best friends asked me “What is normal?” the other day when I said that I wasn’t “normal”.  I told him that being normal was weird, because what is normal? WHAT IS NORMAL?

I’m not normal, I don’t think I ever have been.  For a brief moment in my life I wanted to be… seriously, it’s hilarious.  I wanted to be a cheerleader and “popular” and date the cutest guy in school.  But I was far from it.  I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast, I couldn’t dress, I was super awkward, but I was me.

I was the girl who begged my mom to go to a school dance and when I finally got to go to one, everyone had someone to dance with except me…  no one would touch me with a ten foot pole.  Totally scarring as a pre-teen, totally glad I didn’t dance with any of those gross guys now.

But, look at me now.  My past made me strong.  And my own mind kept my strength up.

My mother asked me today why I look so unhappy all the time lately… I was playing some game on my phone… I told her, I had a “sadness”.  She asked me, “What right do YOU have to have a sadness inside you?”  I didn’t answer her.  I don’t need to.  I don’t need to answer to anyone why I have this sadness in me… It’s been in me since I can remember.  I have a sadness but also a light; Which is why I still live on, strong, with hope and optimism.

There’s a sadness that has always been there, but I blame no one for it but myself for letting it linger.  I want no pity, no worry, no “special care” for it.  I know what’s wrong with me, that’s why I’m okay with who I am and why I can handle myself and take care of myself.

I am a stronger woman because of this.  And just because I have sadness that overcomes and consumes within me doesn’t mean I don’t have happiness that keeps me continuing on in life.

ps. I look cute today.

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Yay to 5 Seconds of Summer tank top, Harry Styles necklace and Liam Payne makeup.  I just tried the eyeshadows and lipgloss but it was fun.  Someone needs to teach me how to do makeup because I’m lazy AF about it and I know nothing about contouring.  Amanda,  you makeup guru, help me!