Breaking down.. and picking myself back up

I had a rough week. I admit it. Rough, both mentally and physically and I’m sure they play a part in each.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 5am as I have been lately, and I just lay there… my whole chest and up my throat felt stuffed with cotton balls and it was so hard to breath. I felt like I was having a panic attack for no reason… perhaps all the nightmares I’ve been having lately? …So I lay there for hours, until 2pm when I tried to get up for family therapy. I could barely move but still walked out to my dining room table to talk with her. What was going to be a few minutes, turned into the whole hour session… definitely a lot more at ease.

This has been happening a lot lately, lying there, can’t breath, can’t move, can’t sleep, can’t get up. I lie there thinking happy thoughts and singing songs in my head. Sometimes if I find the strength I play some on my iPhone. It helps, slower than a pill would, but mentally healthier in my opinion.

Back to the nightmares. I’ve been having nightmares, scary ones… and not just ghosts are creepy crawly creatures, but real life situations. Maybe I do watch too much true crime, horror movies and k-dramas, they all get combined into a very realistic type of scary in my dreams.

The other day I was telling my PT about a horror movie thriller I watched the night before… [She seems to enjoy me re-telling her stories of movies and true crime hehe, we have that in common because she shares a lot with me too]. And after, she asked me…

“Do you get nightmares after watching these movies?”

“Nope!”

To be honest, I don’t. But in my weird twisted mind, as soon as I close my eyes, every weird real life, things I’ve seen and watched get combined into my own new movie.

I should start writing more dreams down… since my neuropathy meds, sometimes I can’t remember my dreams as vividly as I used to… but lemme tell you, I’ve written down some crazy, long twisted plot turning dreams. Intense.

Sunday Funday.

Can we talk about this Mukbang sensation?

Before we start, watch Jin’s “Epiphany” and I won’t judge you on crying and dying on how amazing and jaw dropping it is…. i wanna cry each time…

DED*

I will be the first to admit, last year I finally gave into the craze of watching mukbangs.  Being a recovery “eating disordered” and also food obsessive person, this made sense.  And honestly, I am SO DEEP!  And not only in just the food, I find myself just listening to them talk and me NOT drooling over the food they are eating.  Early on I was obsessed with ASMR and would play them to help me sleep and I honestly find myself not as drawn towards it.

I still LOVE Food ASMR, the chewing and crunching is SO SO satisfying, as long as it’s not in person, to me… but to be honest I just love seeing people eat and be able.

AS YOU KNOW, my latest craze is BTS, uh DUH, who isn’t in love with them?!… but just going on youtube and watching them eat [type: eat bts, or even better, my BIAS, eat jin!  and eat jungkook… or eat taehyung/v… lol] ANYWAYS…

I just love seeing people eat.  I’m not sure if it’s helping my eating disorder or not, but it’s DAMN SATISFYING!

HOW AM I SO ATTRACTED TO MALES EATING?!

It’s a thing.

It’s a my kinda thing, I love guys who eat well… [btw, I do get annoyed at ppl who eat ICK, sorry past bf who annoyed me, but it’s also a thing] BUT I LOVE A GUY WHO CAN EAT WELL and look super cute doing so.

I can eat a lot.  Wanna date me?  Eat more than me… and also eat what I cook HAHAHA cuz I love to cook!

I duno where this blog is going, I haven’t blogged in awhile.  People have been asking me so many things… why aren’t you dating?  What have you been doing?  What happened to food blogs?  Why are you not really on social media? etc etc… I duno, I just felt like it I guess.  My last real relationship was over 2 years ago TBH, the last time I went on a date was like…. a year ago?  Maybe more?

OK back tho this whole eating shizz. Someone do a mukbang with me?  I look ugly eating so I need someone with me to do one.

I good.

I’ll just save me for BTS. [haha I kid.]

Just haven’t had the moment.

Currently busy with life, work and living situation [in the process of moving] and plus I travel a lot, SO……

OKAY so before I finally go to bed, since it’s 5am, EAST COAST TIME… [yes I’m currently in Boston still, figuring out my new living sitch] let’s just bang bang to this song… still unsure about L.A. and France times at the moment, but currently adding Saipan to the list of go-to’s for this year….

I’m also fat lately. I need to diet. FML.

Sorry guys…

I have failed at blogging anymore. Expect a blog and/or vlog this weekend :D Planning, planning, planning.. planning an unplanned one.  Whenever I feel inspired, I guess.  I’ve just been busy with life… love ya’ll <3

If you are curious about my life, add my snapchat [misstiffie] or follow me on instagram, I post a lot of stories daily :] – both are username misstiffie!

But I leave you with some BTS <3 Cuz who doesn’t love them? Haha…