Back to you….

I just don’t get it… why are people just liars and cheaters and fakes.  I am so sick of it.  People are so freaking selfish and I can’t stand it.  And I don’t know why I always forgive them and go back to them……………..  maybe I’m just that much broken.

Why do people say “sorry” when they don’t even mean it?  And why do people still fall for it?  It’s a never ending circle, it’s saddening, heartbreaking and yet inevitable and it just happens over and over again.  When will the cycle end?  For the lucky ones, it doesn’t happen, or it happens once or twice.  But for people like me, I shouldn’t have picked up that penny the wrong side up, it’s the story of my life.

At times, I just don’t know how to feel anymore.  Numb, I’ve said before, just numb.

I accept all of my problems and disorders and “crazy” that I have… and I feel like everyone in my life does too… well mostly… the true ones.  The ones who love me and accept me for who I am.

“I love it, I hate it…”  Guess I’m just a masochistic. LOL.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve got a Jet Black Heart.

[Bebe Rexha:]
I know you say you know me, know me well
But these days I don’t even know myself, no
I always thought I’d be with someone else
I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

I call you but you never even answer
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you

[Louis Tomlinson:]
I know my friends they give me bad advice
Like move on, get you out my mind
But don’t you think I haven’t even tried
You got me cornered and my hands are tied

[Louis Tomlinson & Bebe Rexha:]
You got me so addicted to the drama
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

[Louis Tomlinson:]
Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you

And I guess you’ll never know
All the bullshit that you put me through
And I guess you’ll never know, no

[Bebe Rexha & Louis Tomlinson:]
Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder
You can be the pill to ease the pain
‘Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama
Baby, here we go again

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you
Back to you
I just keep on coming back to you

What makes you “normal”?

One of my best friends asked me “What is normal?” the other day when I said that I wasn’t “normal”.  I told him that being normal was weird, because what is normal? WHAT IS NORMAL?

I’m not normal, I don’t think I ever have been.  For a brief moment in my life I wanted to be… seriously, it’s hilarious.  I wanted to be a cheerleader and “popular” and date the cutest guy in school.  But I was far from it.  I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast, I couldn’t dress, I was super awkward, but I was me.

I was the girl who begged my mom to go to a school dance and when I finally got to go to one, everyone had someone to dance with except me…  no one would touch me with a ten foot pole.  Totally scarring as a pre-teen, totally glad I didn’t dance with any of those gross guys now.

But, look at me now.  My past made me strong.  And my own mind kept my strength up.

My mother asked me today why I look so unhappy all the time lately… I was playing some game on my phone… I told her, I had a “sadness”.  She asked me, “What right do YOU have to have a sadness inside you?”  I didn’t answer her.  I don’t need to.  I don’t need to answer to anyone why I have this sadness in me… It’s been in me since I can remember.  I have a sadness but also a light; Which is why I still live on, strong, with hope and optimism.

There’s a sadness that has always been there, but I blame no one for it but myself for letting it linger.  I want no pity, no worry, no “special care” for it.  I know what’s wrong with me, that’s why I’m okay with who I am and why I can handle myself and take care of myself.

I am a stronger woman because of this.  And just because I have sadness that overcomes and consumes within me doesn’t mean I don’t have happiness that keeps me continuing on in life.

ps. I look cute today.

img_4433

Yay to 5 Seconds of Summer tank top, Harry Styles necklace and Liam Payne makeup.  I just tried the eyeshadows and lipgloss but it was fun.  Someone needs to teach me how to do makeup because I’m lazy AF about it and I know nothing about contouring.  Amanda,  you makeup guru, help me!

I understand there should be a higher purpose…

But what is mine? Dear God, I struggle with waking up each day knowing I’ll be hit with struggles that I have to smile through and be strong through, but why? I shouldn’t question your plan for my life but sometimes I find myself crying in the shower so the water hides my tears. Why do I not only have to take on my own, many, demons, but others as well?

Smiling, trusting, loving, living…. is getting so much harder now. And yet every morning I get up dreading the day I must endure… and hoping for that random glimmer of happiness and true joy that I get more and more rarely lately. When I smile at you, it’s genuine and real, but I am always crying on the inside. Forever broken.

So I ask you my dear sweet Lord, what is my purpose? Because I’m hurting really bad.

Excess Flesh: a good look at the truth of eating disorders thru a crazy awesome movie

The first time I watched this movie I was just in for the horror and the gore… I had no idea it would hit me this much.  Being a recovered anorexic/bulimic I ended up being obsessed with this movie and looking up as many reviews as possible.  But yet, no one had the same perspective that I had on this movie… and no one interpreted it the same way I did.

Jennifer, a skinny sexy model who can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight, is best friends with Jill, a normal sized chick who ends who binging and purging or starving for days… they are roommates and it’s a messed up relationship.

Jennifer is extroverted and sleeps around a lot while Jill is introverted and prefers to stay at home all day, but is an extra agent cook.  While Jennifer gorges on junk food, Jill starves herself all day until the middle of the night – which leads to regret, chewing and spitting, or purging. 

The friendship is very vioiatle and it focuses on people chewing and eating a lot – which, is actually quite disgusting. 

To me, unaccording to other critics and receivers… I believe that Jill and Jennifer are the same person. Jennifer is Jill’s inner “hungry” girl… while Jill is Jennifer’s inner “fat” girl (although they definitely did not chose an overweight actress to play the part)

There are lots of weird forced food and eating moments during the movie. Jill even locked Jennifer up and she escapes but the cops don’t even act like they are two people, just one… therefore why I think they ARE one person.

In the end, after she’s supposedly “dead”, Jennifer shows up to a casting call and they even say something of the likes of “oh it’s her again”… which makes me even more sure that that Jennifer and Jill are the same person.

I duno. Thoughts?

And so I sit here…

It’s 3:02AM EST time and I’m sitting here watching tv marathons and movies on iTunes and Netflix.  I just finished off a bowl of homemade nachos and guacamole and I’m about to go warm up some more spicy pulled pork I made earlier.  Has this become my life?  This could be the wine talking, or the wandering mind thinking… but this is definitely not where I thought I would be… a year ago, two, three, five, ten? What has happened?

It’s funny how things work. Weight gain made me sad. But I gained weight cuz I’ve been happy. But the weight gain makes me not want to move… so while I eat less, I move less. I’m still not happy with my body. But that could just be my eating disorder talking.  Always in recovery, never fully recovered.

You guys have been with me through so many ups and downs and yet you remain loyal.  So much gratitude.  Love, lust, heartbreaks. Breakdowns and highs. Parties and mournings.

The past year I have been basically mostly living in Taiwan and I’ve forgotten my love for cooking, almost.  I stopped caring a lot about things I used to be so passionate about and I have no real explanation for it… but it’s recently sparked up again.

I cooked duck the other day. And today I had a pulled pork burrito/taco night with pomegranate guacamole, spicy mango pico de gallo with roasted garlic and corn and an extremely spicy salsa verde… along with some yummy gooey blue corn chip nachos.  I started to feel alive again.  I started a cooking idea journal/notebook again…. mainly b/c I was planning to cook for C on his birthday… and while things got in the way, I still got MAD IDEAS to play on.

SO…. I have ideas of doing supper parties.  [And have talked with a chef friend or two about doing pop ups] – I want to, once I move out, host supper/dinner parties, first once a month, and then possibly once a week.  People can BYOB and tell me their diets…. or just leave it up to me.  Hopefully soon after team, up with chefs and cool wine people.

I have so many ambitions and ideas… I want to write, I want to travel, I want to cook, I want to go back to school…. and I want to film it all. I have a secret thing about wanting to be in front of a camera.

So maybe this is how this blog is evolving.  It went from food diary to healthy eating and recipes to eating out and traveling extravagantly …. and then just personal…. me finding my inner peace…. healing and now this.  My lifestyle. Ever evolving.

This blog is now: Finding the real Miss Tiffie.

Please join me in my journey.

FU

I lol’d

I got two letters for you

One of them is F
The other one is U

Just Believe…

It is so nice to be acknowledged of my growing skills.  Ever since learning I had a gift, my life has improved so much.  My close friends and family also see it within me, as has my teacher.  I’m praying more, meditating more, work has gone better than ever for me.  My health is doing better, my belief and my positivity has grown.

Before I had a kind heart, but a hurt one, a broken one and it took growing my gift to truly heal it.  Before I could smile on the outside but would be crying on the inside… but not I smile from within, and I can feel the warmth and the glow.

Today I did a reading for my dad, he was a bit reluctant at first but then he caved in.  He asked me questions only he had answers to and I answered them all correctly.  He now believes.  I also asked to heal a body part of his and prayed for Archangel Raphael, one who heals the body and health, to come to his side and to help him.  After the reading I was stunned that not only was, the usual Gabriel and Michael by my side but so was Raphael.  He had come to me when I called for him.

The more you believe.  The more you learn.  The more I open up my heart and my mind to the angels and the spirits I let them speak to me, talk to me, through me and the more I can help myself and others.

This card, also related to Arielle’s.  I am so glad that the angels are telling me that I have a gift.  I have only tried communication with the departed for a little while, but I also feel like “departed” loves ones also mean those who are not waling on earth, meaning all spiritual things around me.

There have been a few challenges that have come up but I have been strong and have been trying to beat through them.  It’s tiresome, hurtful and sometimes I just want to give up, but I know that I shouldn’t and deep down I don’t.  I was told, only I can help and make this work… to help heal a wounded soul is difficult.  But it’s a challenge I am willing to take on.

Oh ho ho. New people in my life, eh?  Today I did a tarot reading, a new way, with my teacher and my card came out as Lovers.  Will this be the year that I find “The One” and not the oh constantly “Wrong One”? Haha.  We shall see, but this card makes me smile.

But like I always say, it’ll come to you.  Yo don’t need to seek it out.  But I am always open to new, good, people in my life.

XOXO

Thursday, July 27 2016… All is well… I’m on the right path 

I’ve never had Archangel Metatron as one of the angels that I counted on [I think Supernatural might have been an influence haha]  But I do need to clean my chakras lately since a lot of negativity has been TRYING to influence me.  They haven’t, but they have latched up onto me.

It feels good to feel safe.  Worrying can take over someone’s life and change them completely…  I have recently taken upon a lot of new ventures in jobs and opportunities which may get crazy busy, but I absolutely love it.

Oh my Angel Gabrielle…. always there for me.  I don’t have much more to say than yes, I have my insecurities… I am scared sometimes and I have my doubts, but I know that I can trust on my angels, and especially my guardian angel, to help me out.

This just reinforces the fact that me taking on all of these new ventures was a great thing for me.  I just had a long day of work…. and just finished up some work on Blue Lotus.  I am extremely excited and I just have so many ideas and things I wanna do for the company!

I have not been afraid to express what I want for us and my lovely partner is so great to taking it in and accepting my advice and help.  This is the best partnership to happen and… seriously?!… We be #ladybosses or is it #bossladies?  Either way… Just doing what I wanna do, cuz I gotta do.  All of it.

#DoYouBlue?

This does happen a lot, and thank you for letting me being aware.  This happens a lot, it’s definitely something one should always think about.  Sometimes your mind can be clouded by the good advice that is right in front of your face.  Whatever it is that you want, go for it.  Don’t just always think about it, truly go for it, and it will come to you.

I know. I am your example. [insert me in a weird photo]

This is my spiritual gifts.  And it has been helping me a lot.  Learning that I have a lot more to me than I ever thought I have is jut an amazing thing.I can get what I want by knowing what I want, going for what I want, and REALLY going for it. Nothing can stop me.  I know it, NOTHING EVER can stop me.  And whoever tries to get in my way, be warned.

Learning all about the readings, healings and opening up to my natural gift has changed my life forever. I am more in touch with my spirituality, I don’t get mad, I might still wanna get even, but the anger has gone…. the hatred has lifted…. those are just petty things to me that are not worth my valuable time on this earth.

When I am upset, I go to my readings, my cards, my bible, my crystals… or I’ll message my teacher/mentor to talk to.  I am so grateful and thankful for my special gifts, it’s something I always felt in touch with since I was a young child, and I’m glad someone finally saw that in me and wanted to teach me how to use my “powers”.

I get what I want.  Because I deserve it.

This is the best card I’ve gotten today… “Look Inside Yourself” this is the first time I’ve used my fairy cards [I think, at least posted about it] and they are spot on.  I always have lived my life for others… and those others never cared for me.  I’ve lost so much time and life on not living just for me.  I am living for me… I’ve been looking inside myself and seeing WHT I want and going straight for it.  I have goals, and you should too.  Don’t forget to trust your gut instinct and don’t forget that YOU are IMPORTANT too, and even more so.

Look inside yourself…. and love yourself.

Change. Practice. Progress. Action.

It has been quite a change lately.  Since I have moved back to America, I totally changed… it really hit me, especially with all the drama that came with it afterward.

Change. Change.  Change.  It’s such a great thing, change.  I used to joke about how “I don’t like change” but in fact, I love it.  It was a joke to me because I love tradition, but not BAD “tradition”.  Negativity is a no-no, especially now that I’ve found my own voice.

And now, after spending a month and a half in Taiwan re-finding my spirituality, healing my soul, my past, and learning my new gift… I came back to Boston with so many new things.  Not only do I design, and do readings for people, I am now Co-CEO of Blue Lotus with one of my longest besties!

I am a whole new person, and a very go-go-get it one.

Practice makes Perfect, isn’t that what people always say?  So I’m just working hard at my new ventures.  Not only just job wise but even spirituality.  Do what  you do and do it well… get it done.  Just go for what you want, go for it, go for it, go for it, and you will get to it!

It’s crazy, I got this card again in the past few days… but it’s true.  It’s telling me that my progress is good, but I still have to keep going step by step.  I can’t rush it at all.

Honestly it was really crazy that these cards kept talking to me today.  And they are all related.  I just know, I need to know what I want and go for it, head on.  Slow and steady, we will always reach our goals!…. YES GOALS!  Don’t ever just have one goal in life, have many…. constantly…. and always go for them…. and even when you reach one, add another goal.  Or else, what is the point in life?

I dated a guy before, and he told me that he was content where he was.  No goals, told me I’d always be the breadwinner.  REALLY? Ultimately, I broke up with him on our anniversary.  Always have goals, always reach to be better, always DO BETTER!  You are great, but there is always a better you, even the Dalai Lama can improve.  And I’m sure, if questioned, he would say it too.

I hate drama and it does hurt my confidence.  I am blessed to be constantly surrounded by people who live by amazing honest lives.  Maturity.  Honesty.  Selflessness.  They remind me that people can be good and gracious… loving, caring, even despite all of the disasters in my life.  I forgive.  I strive to be one just like them…

I need to be me.  I am me.  Love me for me.  Accept who I am.  Because I do.

This is a secret joke between my “teacher/mentor” and I.  She had a student who always spent too much money when they got this card.  We had a chuckle.  Thanks, Archangel Metatron for reminded me of my love for children [and possibly spending too much money? FYI, I didn’t spend a cent today LOL] I say this has a lot to do with me and my furbaby Didi today.  We had a lot of time together today.  I love her, just like I would love all my babies.  Just like I adore all children.

OK it’s not midnight yet, hopefully I don’t buy anything online, HAHAHAHAHA.

XOXO

ps. I’m so hungry :[

Slowly and steady wins the race.

Today I picked the Clairsentience card.  Archangel Raguel said to me to “Notice your recurring physical and emotional feelings, as they signify Divine guidance.”  It makes made me super aware of my surroundings, things I constantly do over and over again, feelings and emotions, and also the actions of those around me and how it affected me.

It was important to constantly be aware of what’s around you at all times and what is going on.  Staying away from the negative will keep you in positivity – and never forget that you are constantly being watched over and guided spiritually.

Over a month ago, I was so full of negativity energy I couldn’t see clearly.  I was in such a bad place in my life and even took on everyone else close in my life’s negative energy, despite the outside smiles I was breaking inside and weighed down, but once I purged all of it out of my life – I literally feel lighter.  I was just so much more positive and happy in my life.

Slowly and steady wins the race.  I feel like my trip to Taiwan has really let me grow, change a lot, for the better.  I’m so much stronger of a person now and while I’m still on this journey since I’ve been back, I’m going in the right direction.

Step by step. Inch by inch.  No matter the crawl…. the more you go forward the farther you get in life.

Sorry I had to. Love you guys <3 NKOTB