Want You Back.. and take me to Havana.

Just got back from Japan and I’ve been catching up on work and still eating my way around Taiwan <3 DUH.  I do miss Americuh tho… tho Trump makes is less missable [not trying to get political here]

SO… My obsession with 5 Seconds of Summer has been full-filled… after 1.5 years of being absent they released their new song, and now their new video…..  [btw my love of this song “Want You Back” has nothing to do with wanting anyone back. I don’t LOL.]

On another note, still obsessed with Camila Cabello’s Havana… cuz Oh Na Na… “Papi says he got malo in him” <3 wink wink – I chose the vertical version but the original video is hilarious and great too.

And End Game.  Taylor Swift. Ed Sheeran. Future. Enough said.

Bitches all be fierce. New long post [and long awaited] with a Q&A and possibly vlog post coming very soon!!!! Health is getting better, life is pretty good and I may have a little crush :] DAT IZ ALL. Oh yeah and I’ve been eating a TON again…. oops. Sorry scale and cute clothes.

Back to you….

I just don’t get it… why are people just liars and cheaters and fakes.  I am so sick of it.  People are so freaking selfish and I can’t stand it.  And I don’t know why I always forgive them and go back to them……………..  maybe I’m just that much broken.

Why do people say “sorry” when they don’t even mean it?  And why do people still fall for it?  It’s a never ending circle, it’s saddening, heartbreaking and yet inevitable and it just happens over and over again.  When will the cycle end?  For the lucky ones, it doesn’t happen, or it happens once or twice.  But for people like me, I shouldn’t have picked up that penny the wrong side up, it’s the story of my life.

At times, I just don’t know how to feel anymore.  Numb, I’ve said before, just numb.

I accept all of my problems and disorders and “crazy” that I have… and I feel like everyone in my life does too… well mostly… the true ones.  The ones who love me and accept me for who I am.

“I love it, I hate it…”  Guess I’m just a masochistic. LOL.

Like I’ve said before, I’ve got a Jet Black Heart.

[Bebe Rexha:]
I know you say you know me, know me well
But these days I don’t even know myself, no
I always thought I’d be with someone else
I thought I would own the way I felt, yeah

I call you but you never even answer
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you

[Louis Tomlinson:]
I know my friends they give me bad advice
Like move on, get you out my mind
But don’t you think I haven’t even tried
You got me cornered and my hands are tied

[Louis Tomlinson & Bebe Rexha:]
You got me so addicted to the drama
I tell myself I’m done with wicked games
But then I get so numb with all the laughter
That I forget about the pain

[Louis Tomlinson:]
Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you

And I guess you’ll never know
All the bullshit that you put me through
And I guess you’ll never know, no

[Bebe Rexha & Louis Tomlinson:]
Yeah, so you can cut me up and kiss me harder
You can be the pill to ease the pain
‘Cause I know I’m addicted to your drama
Baby, here we go again

Whoah, you stress me out, you kill me
You drag me down, you fuck me up
We’re on the ground, we’re screaming
I don’t know how to make it stop
I love it, I hate it, and I can’t take it
But I keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you (back to you)
Oh, no, no, I just keep on coming back to you
Back to you
I just keep on coming back to you

What makes you “normal”?

One of my best friends asked me “What is normal?” the other day when I said that I wasn’t “normal”.  I told him that being normal was weird, because what is normal? WHAT IS NORMAL?

I’m not normal, I don’t think I ever have been.  For a brief moment in my life I wanted to be… seriously, it’s hilarious.  I wanted to be a cheerleader and “popular” and date the cutest guy in school.  But I was far from it.  I was a geek, a nerd, an outcast, I couldn’t dress, I was super awkward, but I was me.

I was the girl who begged my mom to go to a school dance and when I finally got to go to one, everyone had someone to dance with except me…  no one would touch me with a ten foot pole.  Totally scarring as a pre-teen, totally glad I didn’t dance with any of those gross guys now.

But, look at me now.  My past made me strong.  And my own mind kept my strength up.

My mother asked me today why I look so unhappy all the time lately… I was playing some game on my phone… I told her, I had a “sadness”.  She asked me, “What right do YOU have to have a sadness inside you?”  I didn’t answer her.  I don’t need to.  I don’t need to answer to anyone why I have this sadness in me… It’s been in me since I can remember.  I have a sadness but also a light; Which is why I still live on, strong, with hope and optimism.

There’s a sadness that has always been there, but I blame no one for it but myself for letting it linger.  I want no pity, no worry, no “special care” for it.  I know what’s wrong with me, that’s why I’m okay with who I am and why I can handle myself and take care of myself.

I am a stronger woman because of this.  And just because I have sadness that overcomes and consumes within me doesn’t mean I don’t have happiness that keeps me continuing on in life.

ps. I look cute today.

img_4433

Yay to 5 Seconds of Summer tank top, Harry Styles necklace and Liam Payne makeup.  I just tried the eyeshadows and lipgloss but it was fun.  Someone needs to teach me how to do makeup because I’m lazy AF about it and I know nothing about contouring.  Amanda,  you makeup guru, help me!

Safety Pin

5-seconds-of-summer-5sos-ashton-irwin-band-Favim.com-2574899

Runaways, we’re the long lost children
Running to the edge of the world
Everybody wants to throw us away
Broken boy meets broken girl
You said you tried it all before
And it only makes it worse
Oh but this time, maybe this time
Two wrongs make it right

We’ll safety pin, the pieces of our broken hearts back together
Patching up all the holes until we both feel much better
Deleted things, I really meant, so now I’ll say the things I never sent
We’ll safety pin, the pieces of our broken hearts back together

Throwing rocks at your broken window
Only you can cure my sickness
Raise ourselves and a middle finger
Cause they all think we’re twisted
Once I had a little taste
Now I’m addicted to your fix
Oh yeah this time, maybe this time
Two wrongs make it right

We’ll safety pin, the pieces of our broken hearts back together
Patching up all the holes until we both feel much better
Deleted things, I really meant, so now I’ll say the things I never sent
We’ll safety pin, the pieces of our broken hearts back together

No more waiting, we can save us from falling [x5]
This time, maybe this time

We’ll safety pin, the pieces of our broken hearts back together
Patching up all the holes until we both feel much better
Deleted things, I really meant, so now I’ll say the things I never sent
We’ll safety pin, the pieces of our broken hearts back together

No more waiting, we can save us from falling