PTSD from dating the wrong peoples… no matter how infatuated you are with them, no excuses… When you see the signs, leave them ASAP!

I’ve dated quite a bit of guys, no shame, how else will I know who is my fit?… they were all differently in personality, backgrounds, names [it’s weird to date anyone with a name with someone you dated before] and appearances… or what they did in their careers, how they lived their life, etc. The only common trait was that they were all narcissists and extremely jealous.

They were all passionately unable to control their emotions.

Top 4 would be… and only one of them actually bother me still. And he’ll be #1.

#4. The first and perhaps only guy I felt “LOVE” He had anger management issues and was violent, it was a traumatic relationship but we both “loved” each other dearly even though we knew our personalities weren’t ever gonna work out. We were both young so I’m not gonna be detailed about it. He would always have a temper issue and was absolutely horrible to me, now when I think about it, it wasn’t love, just thought I was because we were both young. But he got violent towards me AFTER we broke up… he never hit me before, I got the pictures of the bruises and damage to prove it.

#3. He had some weird napoleon complex even though he was big & tall and came from a wealthy family and did well in life. He was constantly wondering about me “cheating” on him and ended up having weird outbursts, being crazy [like throwing a glass of alcohol off a rooftop in nyc], and it ended up with him acting violent and me leaving him…

#2. He liked me for so many years. For awhile he even harassed me because his girlfriend at the time knew he liked me… eventually after they broke up, we became really good friends – I’m way too forgiving to a fault – and my mom encouraged me to date him. He became irrational, obsessive, willing to risk his job to cling to me all day all night. We moved in together, but it was torture. He started become violent, angry, possessive, paranoid…so I left. The last thing he ever said to me was sent in the angriest, most hurtful email ever. Insulting me, my dog, my parents and he actually got almost all of my college friends to hate me. Thanks bro.

#1. The biggest mind f* of them all. Whirlwind romance. Kid was my hoobae from my college. We randomly met on a plane. Hung out. Ended up moving to Taiwan together [with tons of help from my mom I’m still convinced he used me]. He was insanely jealous, paranoid… and since he used to be extremely overweight he had some weird complex. Our fights were insane. He would get mad at me over the smallest things. Like if I accidentally bought lamb instead of beef [he ate both, I don’t eat lamb, cuz in chinese the characters are so similar] It ended the day he got mad at me after he was out all night til 4am… came back to our apt and started to grab things and chuck them at me. So I called the police on him.

I did try to “date” a little [no relationships] after him but everything just freaked me out, so I just stopped. It’s been quite awhile since I’ve even been on a date… I think the last time was a blind date a few years ago.

Why is it the thought of a relationship is absolutely terrifying? To be honest, I would love one…but I’ve loved myself a lot more being single for the first time in so long… but I do miss that feeling of love and being loved.

Ah, life.

Hi, therapist?

Insomnia vs Chronic Fatigue

For many years now I’ve been battling between the two. My chronic pain hasn’t been helping either, it either helps with not sleeping, or just continuously sleeping for long periods of time.

Sleeping at 30 min-1 hr intervals, waking up at specific times throughout the night and day… not knowing how much time has past… sometimes I feel like a zombie.

I am part vampire and part zombie. If you know me, you get the joke, but also know it’s not a joke.

I have 4cm of dead in my hip aka zombie and I’m anemic, vitamin D deficient aka vampire. I’m a night owl… but I also wake up at 4:30am.

I keep on living even though I’m in pain, because who has time for sleep?

I don’t know what I’m typing anymore.

Watch “My Brilliant Life”, it was amazing… appreciate every second of your life and everyone loving around you.

Goodnight friends.

“I’m here for the AC…”

The other day I went to the hospital for another appointment… does it matter for what? Not really.

I had gotten into a huge argument with my mother beforehand, I just wanted to go and get it over with. As I waited for the elevator, a sweet old gentlemen offered for me to get on first… and even clicked on what floor I needed to get off for me.

He then proceeded to talk about how glad he was it wasn’t so hot anymore [we recently had record breaking high heat lately…]. I returned his kind face with a smile and said “Today has been such gorgeous weather!!!!” He smiled back and nodded.

He then said, with a slight sigh, “I’m only here for the air conditioning!”

I smiled, and was going to say, “you should’ve gone to the movies instead…” but I eyed the floor he was going on and it was for outpatient some sort of therapy. So I just giggled with him, saying I was too and we parted ways.

“Have a great day!”

“Yes, you too!”

I realize meeting so many patients in hospitals, most of us stay so positive, happy, optimistic… it’s very uplifting when we talk and meet each other. We always wish each other the best and say the most unobvious uplifting things.

Bless his soul for making me smile within my heart that day… the smallest small talk made a big impact during my sad moment in life. Thank you!

Why do I not date anymore?

So after my last relationship a few years ago, I completely stopped dating. Why? No no no, it’s not what you think, I was just sick of it. Plus I’m saving myself for a K-pop Idol…

Jokes aside, what’s the point anymore? I’ve dated every single type of guy and I didn’t want any of them. Wait, hold up, that sounded stuck up… it’s not like that. BUT compatibility wise and everything, nothing ever added up. PLUS, I’m prone to finding guys with severe anger management/jealousy issues.

SO.

I will wait….

And wait…

And not get heart broken, or hurt – in many ways – until I meet the guy, if I ever do, that I should be with.

Contrary to popular ex-bf belief, I’m not a commitmentphobe. I’m a THEM-phone. HAHAHA….

Til next time…

I love myself and I’m happy with where I’m at.

Can you be an optimistic sad person?

I have always been the ‘glass half full’ type of girl. My whole life, after being bullied, abused, ridiculed, belittled, talked down upon, faced racism, sexism, been hated for just being me, etc… I always tell myself every morning, with a smile on my face, today is a new day.

OK, fine, I’m lying, I don’t always wake up with a smile on my face, or think that this new day will be any better… but I DO keep trying to tell myself that. Isn’t that a thing? Think positive, positive things will happen? BTW, a lie, but also I do believe think negative and negative things will happen.

I’m having an……………… OK streak.

I’d say bad but it’s not all that bad, it’s been awful but I have my good moments. With all the bad moments in life, I love to only remember the best, greatest moments. The best moments are the ones that made me glow and smile from within…. Nothing money or success or fame can buy. They’re the moments, usually the small ones that make me so happy to have lived my life as I have.

Never live in your negative past memories and thoughts, or you will be miserable your whole life. I’ve had so many bad things happen to me and have met bad people, but I only want to remember the good. You might think I’m being naive or stupid, or avoiding the bad… Not avoiding the bad… the bad happened, and I will avoid it ever happening again. I just don’t need to drown in my own sorrows, self-pity, woe, whatever it is.

Not worth it. I’d rather eat something decadent and worry about my waistline [haha]

This past year has been so rough for me, emotionally…physically, and the physical also influenced the emotional. Brave face, brave mind, brave heart. I’ll survive. Life goes on…

How?

How do you even begin to describe when you’re just having a “bad time”?

Today I had to explain to a guy who has “interest” in me that… uh well, I am who I am. From life, from experience… from everything. I don’t purposely ignore anyone, I shut off everyone in my life when I’m having “issues”, stress, anxiety.

Ah, life. How do I even begin? How does anyone?

I have so much going on right now…. But it was nice that talking to him made me feel at ease… like he actually really cared about me.

If he does or doesn’t, I thank him for making me smile today. Because, sometimes it’s all it takes, just a few words that make you feel somewhat significant in the world.

Side note: still one of my goals in life is to be a zombie extra in a movie/tv show so plz hook me up 🥳

I miss you…

What do you do when you miss your best friend and don’t know how to make the first move? It’s not that I don’t want to, but I don’t know what to say, in fear of how they feel towards me…

Is is a mutual thing? Not sure how to talk to the other first?

…………I miss you

Eating habits vs Emotions

As someone who has battled an eating disorder since… well most of my life… while it has been on and off… I’ve recently self-discovered what it’s like to be in control of my feelings towards foods. Fears and all…

It’s hard. Some days I don’t think of it at all and just eat what I want, whatever I want, how ever much I want… but then I have days where even a single grain of rice will terrify me.

Lately, I’ve been eating when hungry, and making sure that my meals are balanced. A lot has happened in this past year, to the point where I almost died, but being in rehab for my disability and my continual treatments and doctor work has really helped me get better.

It’s a beautiful thing for me to just enjoy life this way. I absolutely LOVE food and so having fear towards it was the absolute worst. Imagine rejecting the most delectable food because you feared it. It wasn’t because of weight gain or anything, it was a fear of losing control.

Recently a lot of things have happened in my life that has stressed me out completely. I’ve had a severe loss of appetite and also my taste buds seems too have changed [no, I didn’t get covid, knock on wood] I don’t sleep well and I have no appetite. The fear of my life long eating disorder creeping back up scares me, so I force myself to eat, even a bit, every day.

The struggle is real. I can eat a lot, a lot!!!! And I LOVE food, but I can also not eat, for days on end. Hence why I’ve got hospitalized last year, and why I’ve been sick a lot. As soon as I lose my appetite, if I don’t want to eat, I won’t.

This time it’s different… I make sure I eat, no matter how much or little it is. I eat to the point where I won’t feel sick… whether it be two bites or ten… whatever will keep me functioning. I think that’s why my shoulder, broken, should’ve taken 10 months to heal, did in 4. I ate incredibly well in Taiwan, gained no weight and was so happy eating my three huge filling meals a day.

I’ll admit, I lost weight when I came back … but come on, who wouldn’t… Taiwan food is the best! You can get anything delicious you want, whenever you want. BUT…

I’m still doing my best to make sure I eat. My veggies, fruits, protein and carbs, every meal. Even though sometimes I might feel “out of control” eating more of something delicious… like cakes and ice cream… I LOVE pie [and I found a whole pie in the fridge my mom secretly bought for me EEEE~~~~~~~ my favorite type of pie] I feel happy that I feel in control of my feelings and my life.

Maybe that’s what it has always been. No control over my life made me feel like I needed to control my food. Which is why it has always been so on and off.

Why am I writing this at 4 in the morning? I was watching YouTube food videos [hahaha…specifically Woongei… go watch him, he’s so cute and can eat so much… HAI BE MY BF!?!?!]

No but seriously. I need to stop having how I eat reflected on how I feel. Especially when I eat it makes me happy… I need to keep it that way.

What makes you happy? Music, Food… Gummies… Lollipops…My cat… dancing around my house… road trips… my piano… the beach…my blank is from when I was 3. Memories of Didi… the smell of autumn leaves, and the first snowfall of the season. Christmas… which is why I always have Christmas lights up and my mini Xmas tree… surprises. Anything so funny that I laugh til I cry…

I want to forever only cry from laughter and happiness and no more tears of sadness…