Breaking down.. and picking myself back up

I had a rough week. I admit it. Rough, both mentally and physically and I’m sure they play a part in each.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 5am as I have been lately, and I just lay there… my whole chest and up my throat felt stuffed with cotton balls and it was so hard to breath. I felt like I was having a panic attack for no reason… perhaps all the nightmares I’ve been having lately? …So I lay there for hours, until 2pm when I tried to get up for family therapy. I could barely move but still walked out to my dining room table to talk with her. What was going to be a few minutes, turned into the whole hour session… definitely a lot more at ease.

This has been happening a lot lately, lying there, can’t breath, can’t move, can’t sleep, can’t get up. I lie there thinking happy thoughts and singing songs in my head. Sometimes if I find the strength I play some on my iPhone. It helps, slower than a pill would, but mentally healthier in my opinion.

Back to the nightmares. I’ve been having nightmares, scary ones… and not just ghosts are creepy crawly creatures, but real life situations. Maybe I do watch too much true crime, horror movies and k-dramas, they all get combined into a very realistic type of scary in my dreams.

The other day I was telling my PT about a horror movie thriller I watched the night before… [She seems to enjoy me re-telling her stories of movies and true crime hehe, we have that in common because she shares a lot with me too]. And after, she asked me…

“Do you get nightmares after watching these movies?”

“Nope!”

To be honest, I don’t. But in my weird twisted mind, as soon as I close my eyes, every weird real life, things I’ve seen and watched get combined into my own new movie.

I should start writing more dreams down… since my neuropathy meds, sometimes I can’t remember my dreams as vividly as I used to… but lemme tell you, I’ve written down some crazy, long twisted plot turning dreams. Intense.

Sunday Funday.