Breaking down.. and picking myself back up

I had a rough week. I admit it. Rough, both mentally and physically and I’m sure they play a part in each.

Wednesday morning, I woke up around 5am as I have been lately, and I just lay there… my whole chest and up my throat felt stuffed with cotton balls and it was so hard to breath. I felt like I was having a panic attack for no reason… perhaps all the nightmares I’ve been having lately? …So I lay there for hours, until 2pm when I tried to get up for family therapy. I could barely move but still walked out to my dining room table to talk with her. What was going to be a few minutes, turned into the whole hour session… definitely a lot more at ease.

This has been happening a lot lately, lying there, can’t breath, can’t move, can’t sleep, can’t get up. I lie there thinking happy thoughts and singing songs in my head. Sometimes if I find the strength I play some on my iPhone. It helps, slower than a pill would, but mentally healthier in my opinion.

Back to the nightmares. I’ve been having nightmares, scary ones… and not just ghosts are creepy crawly creatures, but real life situations. Maybe I do watch too much true crime, horror movies and k-dramas, they all get combined into a very realistic type of scary in my dreams.

The other day I was telling my PT about a horror movie thriller I watched the night before… [She seems to enjoy me re-telling her stories of movies and true crime hehe, we have that in common because she shares a lot with me too]. And after, she asked me…

“Do you get nightmares after watching these movies?”

“Nope!”

To be honest, I don’t. But in my weird twisted mind, as soon as I close my eyes, every weird real life, things I’ve seen and watched get combined into my own new movie.

I should start writing more dreams down… since my neuropathy meds, sometimes I can’t remember my dreams as vividly as I used to… but lemme tell you, I’ve written down some crazy, long twisted plot turning dreams. Intense.

Sunday Funday.

Yet to come…

That’s what I keep telling myself [haha quoting from the new BTS song of course]… things can only get better right? I’ve had a horrible year, but it will only get better….

But why am I pausing?

And why do I sigh… while I hesitate to think of the next thing to write?

Whatever happens, I am blessed with great family, great friends, great people in my life. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping for the best for my dead zombie hip at the moment… and the double vision struggle is still real at the moment [just got back from eye doctor]

But on the upside… my demon Bengal fur baby keeps me happy on the daily, on the hourly, on the minute, and any second I want comfort for my anxiety…

Every time I ask for a 뽀뽀 [popo] she will kiss me, and she will even meow and want one in return… sweetest thing ever. Lately… for the first time in a long time… i miss being in a relationship… with someone other than a fur baby heh. I know i cut off guys and dating for a few years, but now i feel like maybe my life is lacking…

The other night I had a dream…

It’s funny, because apparently I met my soulmate… and he was perfectly okay with every single imperfection that I had… and wanted to help whichever way he could.

And when I told him I needed time… he was okay with it and said it didn’t matter because he would love me either way. Just wanted to help and be there for me.

I woke up smiling, and also longing for the feeling… I can’t remember the last time my heart fluttered in real life.

K-dramas don’t count, they’re even less reality than dreams when I sleep at night HAHA ;] Just saying…

I woke up today and realized… have I lost the feeling of being loved? And loving back?

The most exhausting day of my life…

Out of all the things I’ve experienced, for some reason today was the one that completely took the life out of me. I’ve dealt with a million horrible things, and yet this was what… not make me lose my will to live, but just made me… just be. I feel like a shell, lifeless… blinking just to know I’m still alive.

My little demon cat is keeping me sane. She can feel the energy though… and hugs me tightly, giving me kisses, staring into my eyes … and making sure I’m OK.

Like her big sister, Didi… she is keeping me alive…

What’s the best way to help with sleep and constant nightmares?

Lately, I have only been able to sleep for 30 min to an hour at a time… and most of them are from loooooooong nightmares. Not even scary ghost ones, but truly realistic real life situation types. I wake up confused, not knowing what I dreamt was real or not and where I am.

The past year I finally re-tried taking melatonin to help with the sleep but I find it helping less and less… yes I may sleep, but what feels like hours, I wake up a mere hour later… tired and distressed. I feel like calming music doesn’t help me anymore either…

I’m lost in my own rabbit hole… except I have no Wonderland.